A few highlights about how I spent my New Years.

7:00 pm. My in laws drop on over (because my husband told them we need more towels which is a blog post within itself!) They come over, bring us some snacks, say hi to the kids. I am sitting at the table, while my husband and his parents are standing around the table. (was this my cue to stand up?) Anyway…this is important. My in laws are Samoan, they have a very heavy accent. The kind where you really need to pay attention to what they are saying, or else you (I) will get lost. I am at the table, trying to “look busy” because they are talking to Joe in Samoan, and for all I know they are telling him how I need to be a better housekeeper. All of a sudden my husband says “they want to do prayer before they leave”

No problem. Of course I do not know if I should stand up, or just sit straight up in the chair, but either way I get myself prepared for the prayer. I bow my head, close my eyes, and my father in law starts with the prayer…….or what I “think” is the prayer. He thanks god for Joe and I helping them out every now and then, he is thanking god for the family. All the while my head is bowed, eyes are closed, and I “might” be thinking this is a really long prayer. My father in law is talking, and talking and talking, and I cannot stop thinking how long of a prayer this is. I ever so slightly open my eyes, and low and behold my husband, mother in law and father in law are looking at me.

“What?”

“Are you ready for prayer Jennifer?”

Just between you and I, I thought we were currently in prayer, apparently not, and so began prayer again.

11:45 pm on New Years Eve. My husband, Joe, decided to call his family to wish them a happy New Years. No problem with that at all!! I just told him to hurry up because it is almost midnight. “Oh yeah, I will be fast.”

So he makes his phone calls, parents, brother, and his two sisters. Not one person answered their phone (well duh!)

at this point it is about four minutes till New Years. We turn on the tv to watch the ball drop in times square. Joe asks me why I think no one picked up the phone. “Well, because it is only a few minutes till midnight?”

10-9-8-7-

“Okay everyone, get ready, it is almost the new year”

6-5-4-3-

“here we go!”

2-1- HAPPY NEW YEAR

So..I wish Joe and the kids “happy new year”. I ask everyone what they hope the new year will bring, and Joe then ask me “When is it new years?”

Ummm, what???

“What do you mean?”

“When is it officially New Years?”

Yes, he is drinking, but he only had a glass of wine. This is not a case of him being drunk, this is a case of him being clueless.

“Well, remember a few seconds ago when I said “Happy New Year?” THAT would be when New Years begins.

“Oh @#*$, I missed it!”

“Well, yeah you did.”

“Happy New Year!” (and that;s when he gives me a hug and kiss)

So, officially, my new Year did not start until 12:07 am.

and I would not have it any other way.

(except I kind of would, but it makes me look nice to end the post on that note)

2012 will be my year for Blogging!!!

I know I have been slacking, but like I said 2012 will be my year. With that being said, I will leave you with an epic last post of 2011.

Pap smears!!

I am very pro-active with my health. I go to every appointment, make sure I am in tune with my body blah blah blah.

I was suppose to schedule my yearly pap smear right around Christmas, but, because my mind is all screwed up, I thought “Well I am just going to wait till the first of the year because god forbid the doctor finds out I have cancer, that would be a sucky Christmas”

yes folks, this is how my mind truly works.

So I scheduled my pap smear for January 5th. I am good to go….kind of.

I have had this doctor for eight plus years. He is awesome, and literally saved not only my life but my daughters. That makes me kind of loyal to him.

He has seen me at my worst, and at my best. I remember one time I was about 7 months pregnant with Sofia, went in for my usual checkup and he complimented my makeup.

Holla!!!!

And no, he is not some young hot doctor. He is older (late 60’s) and he hardly speaks English (Korean) but like I said he saved my life, my daughters life, and he said my makeup looked good, so he is a keeper.

After I had my oldest daughter, Gracie, I went in for my follow up checkup. “Oh Jennifer, it looks like you have some extra skin you need to lose”

So glad he pointed that out to me, otherwise I would have had no idea.

I lost the weight, went in for another pap smear a year later “Oh Jennifer, you slimmed down quite a bit, I would like to see you gain a couple pounds”

I took that as a compliment.

Then, just as I was feeling all good and sexy about myself, I get pregnant again.

Figures.

I go in for my third month pregnancy checkup. “Jennifer, you are not gaining enough weight, this needs to change”

Again, took that as a compliment, but realized that I had to gain some weight. Being that I was carrying a life inside me and all.

I fully took advantage of the m&m’s, Big Macs, and just about anything else that had carbs.

Went in for my fourth month pregnancy checkup. “Jennifer, you are gaining too much weight, you are only suppose to gain 45 pounds and you are already at the twenty pound mark, you have five months to go still”

Well crap!

Five months goes by, I gained weight, lots of weight, but refused to let my doctor tell me exactly how much weight I gained because I am no fool.

Had the baby, went in for my follow up checkup “Jennifer, looks like you still have some loose skin you need to lose, you should try sit ups.”

What a novel idea.

Another year goes by, baby is now one. Time for my pap smear. “Yes Jennifer, you have not been doing those sit ups have you?”

Just kill me now.

Three more years go by. “Very good Jennifer, you have been doing sit ups (totally have NOT been doing sit ups) I would like to see you maintain this weight”

Doctor obviously has no freakin idea what he is talking about, I need to lose at least twenty pounds.

And now, here we are. January 5th, time for another pap smear. And even though I weigh slightly less than my last weight he told me to maintain, that is just not good enough. I want to be ten pounds less.

If I can just lose five more pounds before January 5th then I will be one happy girl….and hopefully will hear the words “I need you to gain some weight” which I will not do but every girl wants to hear they need to gain some weight. (right??)

Most people want to lose weight to make themselves feel better, maybe even for their husbands, or some new guy/girl that has caught their eye. Not me folks, I want to lose weight for my gynecologist…..who is not even hot.

Yep, I never claimed to not have issues, but it is fun! My new challenge, lose five pounds in eight days. Can totally be done.

Then I will report back here with my gyno’s response.

And this folks was my last epic post of 2011. Stay tuned for 2012 for some serious blogging…unless of course my gynecologist informs me that I have cancer, then that will throw my plan all out the window.

Happy New Year!!

The other night I was talking on the phone to my very good friend of over 10 years, Christin. To make a very long complicated story short (although one I will revisit in another post) here are the basics. Christin is a single working mother of two children. She has also had the worst luck with meeting the right person.

I am on the phone, listening to her latest story about this idiot she was interested in. Her and the idiot had recently reconnected on Facebook, and for reasons that we still do not know the “why” to, the Idiot deleted her…and as you know in Facebook world, that is a big no no.

Also, I was drinking my vodka and diet ginger ale while we were talking.

We talked for a long time.

You do the math.

In the course of this conversation, I got fed up with the Idiot and took it upon myself to make a dating profile for Christin on POF.

Now a days, that seems to be the norm for meeting people, and well, it could not be much worse than her current situation.

So I am on the phone with her, drinking my vodka, occasionally asking her “Hey, what’s your email address?” blah blah blah blah blah “Hey, what year were you born again?” blah blah blah blah blah “and you like bigger guys, right?”

Never once did Christin ask why I was asking her all these questions…..and she was sober!

Done!

Christin is now the newest member of POF (plenty of fish). This will be fun, I will screen all the morons and send the good ones her way.

Christin and I hang up the phone, I have a few more drinks, and sleep.

The next day, I am doing my usual running around, kids school, laundry, dishes, OH CRAP!!!! I never actually told Christin what I did. This was a phone call I was not looking forward to make.

I get Christin on the phone, and she is done! D-O-N-E with the Idiot, and there was my perfect se-gway “I am glad you’re done with him because I kind of forgot to tell you something last night”

I end up confessing to her that I mad her a dating profile. She laughs, which is why her and I have been such good friends over the years. Just think of us as the modern day Lucy and Ethel (and if you do not know who Lucy and Ethel are, then get out of my blog!)

Now, in my opinion the best part of the story is coming up, so pay attention.

After we hang up, and I realize she is not mad about what I did, I figure “What the heck, let me go look to see if she has anyone interested in her.”

She had 8 emails in her POF email account!!

I get myself all comfy at the computer, start reading some of the emails and quickly delete, delete, delete. Lots of schmucks out there.

And then I see this picture that I recognize…wait a minute….is that who I think it is?? I check out the profile, oh my god, it IS who I think it is (and even though this would make for a way better story, no, it was not my husband). It is Christins ex from a few years back!!!

How funny is this?! Christins ex found her on a dating web-site and emailed her.

I am cracking up, I mean I cannot make this stuff up. I grab the cell and dial up Christin,

“Hello”

I can barely talk straight I am laughing so hard

“Christin *laughing” honestly *laughing*these things only happen to us *laughing*”

“What did you do now?!?!?!”

“Well, I think Nick found you on POF”

“JENNIFER!!!!!!!!!!!!”

My husband and I decided to have a “chicken cook-off,” which basically means both of us think we know how to cook chicken better than the other.

We are in the kitchen, together, with knives. Not cool.

The Husband is in the kitchen “preparing the chicken.” Not too sure I know what that means. I saw garlic, Italian salad dressing, onions, and something liquid that was brown.

While “Yours Truly” over here broke out the milk, flour, my secret seasonings and I went to work. No need to “prepare” anything. I Got This!!

I dip the chicken into the milk, then my flour mixture….I can see The Husband eyeing me.

“What you’ve got going on over there?”

“Nothing, it’s a secret, why, are you worried, because you should be, Boo-Ya!”

(classy kind of girl I am)

We get back back to business. He is putting his chicken into a Ziploc bag to marinate it, I am doing the milk, flour mix to mine. Who needs to marinate, I am ready to go.

As I butter the pan, I see The Husband sneaking a taste of my flour mixture, the same flour mixture that already has the raw uncooked chicken in it.

“Ewwwww, oh my god what are you doing?!?!?”

“I just wanted a taste, why…are YOU worried?”

“The only thing I am now worried about is you will get salmonella poisoning…….there
is raw chicken in there!”

The Husband looks at me, not sure if I am messing with his head or not, he looks at the mixture, still not convinced there is raw chicken in there.

“Oh-for-god-sakes…just look!”

I take the tongs, pull the raw chicken out of the flour mixture he just tasted.

“See, I told you!”

“Oh @&#&!”

As he makes a mad dash for the kitchen sink to rinse out his mouth.

Yeah, that was my night.

However, I DID win the chicken cook off.

and, The Husband, just may be in the ER right now.

But, I still won.

Allow me to get up on my soap-box for a moment.

I have been a loyal fan of Glee. I love Glee, even Rachel.

Many times after an episode, my husband and I will try to do karaoke to the songs we just heard. (and I stress the word try)

My personal favorite is the Rachel/Quinn duet to “Unpretty“

Love it!!

However, the past few episodes have left me with the “Really, are you serious?!” kind of feeling.

I do not like the Puck/Shelby storyline. Actually, it goes beyond me not liking it, as of now, I will say it is done in pretty poor taste.

Puck (18) is in love with Shelby (his teacher…and also the lady who adopted his baby)

I know he is in love with her because he told her he was in love with her….and, also, they kissed. A pretty passionate kiss for a show that is suppose to be “family orientated”

I am the first to admit I can be a prude at times.

But….so far…..unless something dramatic happens here pretty soon, I feel the Glee writers are glamorizing the teacher/student relationship.

Not cool! Especially in light of the Penn State scandal now.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Am I being a prude and just need to suck it up? Do you feel Glee is taking it too far? Talk to me!

The other day I read an article online that said push-ups are the absolute best exercise to do if you want nice arms. And, because I read it online I knew it just HAD to be true. Right?

So I had a plan in place to make me have Demi Moore arms like she did in Strip Tease.

Also, part of my new found plan was to multi task.

My new plan was that every day that I had to use the restroom whether I was doing my makeup, taking a shower, or cleaning the bathroom that no one else knows how to clean except me, I will do a set of “sink push-ups”. Hands on the counter, feet spread apart, Demi Moore arms here I come.

Well…..apparently I did not google enough information on how to do a proper push-up….on the sink. My pathetic attempt at 15 lousy push-ups led to a sore neck/back.

Whatever, I will not give up. Mind over matter. Surely I can overcome freakin SINK PUSH UPS. I mean it is not even a real exercise, I made it up, and because I made it up I can either keep it alive or cave in. I was not going to cave in to something I made up because I am too lazy to do a real push-up.

But that is not the worst of it,

because I am now trying to multi task, the following events took place.

I go to take a shower. I get the water ready, have my face mask on, strip down to my granny panties and sorry excuse of a bra and realize “Crap! I need to do my sink push-ups” (Demi Moore arms here I come!)

Sure, the bathroom is fogging up because my shower is going, sure, my face is green in my feeble attempt to try the latest face mask in keeping with the fountain of youth, sure, I have like zero clothing on right now, I can knock out 20 sink push-ups real quick.

Everything was going fine, me,granny panties and bra, green face, on my 5th sink push-up, oh yeah, I got this. I am amazing, I thought up a new exercise all on my own, this will become the new “it” thing to do, someone will write a book about me, I am awesome….and then…..and then…I made the god awful mistake of looking at the full length mirror that is right next to my bathroom sink.

I do not know if I can recover from the vison I saw in the mirror. It was bad, real bad. Things were not where they should be, I saw things at angles that should be banned, it was bad. Picture a beautiful balloon…..that is now deflated and just barely trying to hang on.

Oh god I need help.

Diet starts tomorrow.

Again.

Michael Vick,

Oh boy do I have issues with you,you may need to grab a drink before you read this.

So, your hand is bruised? Awww, poor baby. A bruised hand that leaves your Sunday home game against the 49ers in question. A bruised hand that is not even your THROWING hand. I mean really????

Now, if I may, lets take a look back to everything you did to your poor innocent animals when they could not perform well. Oh where do we start…drowning, electrocuteing, strangling your animals because they could not perform well?!?!

Hmmmm. Do I see a little bit of karma here.

I am a die hard NY GIANTS fan (you know, the team that kicked your @ass Sunday) I would LOVE for one of my guys to go after you because you did not perform well….or better yet, one of YOUR own guys.

I mean that’s what you did to your animals….right????

Suck it up. A bruised hand that is not even your throwing hand…..if nothing else do it for your innocent animals that have suffered and lost their life because of YOU!!!

You need to seriously find some way to make some kind of amends. Right now, you are not there. What’s more important to you, you keeping your job or you keeping your respect?

Respect is earned, you have a lot of work to do.

~Jennifer

The husband had just come home from burying his family dog. A dog that weighed at least 150pounds. The husband needed a much needed shower, and possibly a drink.

After his shower, it was my turn to go get ready, hair, makeup, you know the routine.

While I was in the bathroom, minding my own business, trying every attempt imaginable to get my makeup to make me look younger, I innocently noticed my husbands wallet sitting on the edge of the counter.

I do not remember the order of the next few events but it went something like this.

1. “Somehow” the wallet fell off the counter.
2. I scrambled to pick up all of its contents as fast as I could
3. One of the items in the wallet stuck out at me.
4. I possibly had a mini breakdown.

My husband works in a job where he works closely with vendors, think Frito Lay, Coke, Pepsi, that one popular bread company. Mainly food and beverage vendors.

He does not work with any vendors who deal with “Deep Massage”

and this is where the mini breakdown may have come into play.

This particular “business card” was for Deep Massage by Tracy.

Uh-huh!

Now, since I am the type of person who never thinks logically under stress, I had all types of scenarios going through my mind, and most of them are x-rated.

But…I trust my husband. I knew there had to be some logical explanation on why he had a business card from Tracy that offers Deep Massage.

I just had to figure out what it was.

I quickly finish up my makeup, thinking of the best way to approach this. I mean he just buried his dog, it’s not like I can come storming out of the bathroom ready for a show down.

Well, I guess I could.

Because no matter how much I tried to tell myself I was over reacting, there was no good reason in my mind why he would have a “Deep Massage” card from “Tracy” in his wallet.

So, in pure Jen form, I leave the bathroom ready for a confrontation.

I know, I know.

My husband is sitting on the sofa playing the stupid x-box (there’s something new, right?)

“Yeah, so do you want to tell me why you have a card in your wallet from some female that is offering a deep massage?!?!?

He starts laughing!! I thought maybe he would try to play dumb like “I have no idea what you are talking about” or the ever popular “Oh that is so old, I have had that in there since before you and I met”. Anything would have been better than laughing, because laughter tells me he knows exactly what I am talking about.

“What’s so funny? Your laughing, you’re seriously laughing right now, your wife just found a deep massage card in your wallet from a female and your laughing….and still playing the x-box!”

He finally gets a clue and turns off the game.

“No no, it’s not like that, Tracy is a guy”

“Yeah, how dumb do you think I am, there is a web site on here, I will go check it out now”

“I hope you do, I used to work with Tracy at the old store and when he left the store he gave me his side business card to contact him if the new store ever decides to hire him….I am sorry, I should have told you about that…plus…Tracy is a guys name”

Now I am not sure if I should feel relieved or dumb. I am thinking the latter.

“Tracy is not a guys name, it is a girls name”

Yes, I am well aware that Tracy can be both a guy and girls name, but right now it is more important for me to save whatever kind of dignity I may have left.

My husband, is still laughing for some dumb reason.

So, in my best hissy fit mode, I dramatically get on the computer and type in the web address that is on the card.

Uh-oh.

Hmmmmm.

Well, Okay, Tracy is indeed a male

and……

it also seems that Tracy is gay.

I look at my husband, who is STILL laughing, I look back at the computer screen

“Okay, so now do I need to worry that you may be switching teams on me?”

Yeah, I just do not know how to stop.

Another long day at work.

I do not ever think I will get used to coming home to a quiet house. No one to cook dinner for, no husband coming through the front door tired from his long day at work. Even Edward, my black lab, no longer welcomes me with smelly dog kisses. He will just look up at me from his favorite spot on the sofa and then just as quickly go back to sleep.

My youngest son left me a message, I will call him back tomorrow. It’s too late to call him now.

I miss my husband, I miss my kids, I miss how my life once was.

“Edward…you hungry? Ready to eat?”

Nothing.

Who am I kidding, do I really feel like cooking right now? Truth be told all I want to do is take a shower, curl up on the sofa and watch The Notebook. Before my husband passed away, the movie of choice was Braveheart. He hated The Notebook, always said “no guy is like that”. Me, I always hated Braveheart, and now I would give anything to be able to watch it with him again. Since his passing, I have not been able to watch it. I would only watch it as a favour to him, as a “Even though you are gone, I still watch your movies” but, not yet, it’s too soon. I’ll stick w/ The Notebook so I can picture him up in heaven rolling his eyes at me.

The shower felt good, vodka would feel even better. Maybe I have some in the fridge.

My kitchen is clean, too clean. It does not feel like a lived in kitchen. There are no dirty dishes in the sink, no notes on the fridge, no spilled koolaide on the counters. My kitchen is depressing. Perhaps it is time to sell the house. I know the kids want me to keep it, but being that they all live out of state, I could sell the house and they would have no idea.

I decide to skip dinner, instead, I head over to ever familiar spot on my dvd rack. We….I mean I have over 75 dvd’s. A collection my husband and I started a few years ago. The top rack has our favorites, Braveheart, The Notebook, Goodfellas, Legends of the Fall, Transformers, you get the point, and certainly you can tell which movie belongs to who.

I miss my husband.

I’m going to do it, I’m going to watch Braveheart. It’s time. Hesitantly, I take the dvd from the case. Just doing that brings tears to my eyes. I can already feel my husband looking down on me “What?? are you really going to watch it? So all it took was for me to die to get you to watch my movie?”

Laughter and tears, an interesting combination. As I open the dvd a piece of paper falls out. It gracefully makes it’s way under the t.v stand. On my hands and knees I try to reach it, it is just barely out of my reach, and then, just before giving up, I am able to grab it.

No. No. No. No. No. No.

This piece of paper is a letter my husband wrote to me, actually, not just a letter, that does not do it justice. This was the letter where my husband proposed to me.

“Dear Jess,

I know you’re in the other room getting ready for our big night out. I also know that as history has proven, I am going to be here for awhile waiting for you to get ready. I just have one question for you. Would you please do me the honour of becoming my wife? Check yes or no”
and then, on the very bottom, after the little “yes” and “no” box, there was a new note, one that had been written more recent.

“Dear Jess,
If you find this, I just want you to know that I told you so, I told you that eventually you would watch Braveheart on your own. You would come to enjoy it and see it for the classic work of art that it really is, and I love you. I love you in life and I love you in death, and one way or another, I will find a way to show you how much I do love you, now go watch the movie”
Edward comes over to me. He senses what is about to take place. He lays his head on my lap, and I bury my head into his back. I needed this, I had forgotten all about the proposal letter. In fact I had thought I lost it some years back. He knew. My husband knew what I needed and at just the right time. God how I love him. Even in death he is still going to try to one up me, even in death he is letting me know he loves me.

Edward and I must have sat there a good 45 minutes. Me crying and Edward trying to lick my tears away. I got it out, I got it all out. I safely tucked the letter back in the case,then I made my way to the sofa, grabbed my favorite quilt, sat back and truly watched Braveheart for the first time ever.

This was a writing prompt from The Red Dress Club
You or your character find a forgotten letter or card from someone important in your life–whether good or bad. What does it say? How does it affect you or your character? What is done with it?