Jennifer

 My guilty pleasure is watching the Real Housewives franchise. I kinda feel the New York gals need to switch it up. I also kinda feel I would be the PERFECT addition to their cast. Assuming I lived in NY of course. Hey….maybe there needs to be “The Real Housewives of Seattle” franchise? I am totally on to something. Someone put me in touch with Andy!

The Real Housewives of ______application.

Name: Okay, do you want a legal name or the name we prefer? Because my legal name is Jennifer Pedro, but I prefer my maiden name Jennifer Ortolano, and well, as you can see, I am sure no further reason is needed.

Age: Again, do you want my real age or can I just throw a number out there? Let’s go with 35. That’s a good number.

Gender: Female….most of the time, unless you piss me off.

Height: I really do not understand why these questions are so hard. I 100% believe I am 5″7 but for some reason, people think I am 5″5. Those people are wrong.

Weight: SERIOUSLY?????

E-mail: Jenniferortolano@gmail.com (this address only accepts fan mail)

What city franchise of the Real Housewives would you choose to be in? Why? New York!!!!! I am originally from Queens, and the NY gals each bring a special kind of crazy that I can relate to. Ramona, I am talking to you….and Sonja….and okay, depending on the day, maybe Bethenny too.

What is your highest level of education? Define education? I mean “Life Experiences” count as education…right?

Where were you born? Pay attention, please! (My impression of Danielle from Jersey) Queens, NY.

Where did you grow up? Is hell an acceptable answer?

Do you have siblings? How old are they? I do!! I come from a blended family, which I am not allowed to talk about, so, this stays between us. I am the oldest (and wisest) However, we all lie about our age (see above) so I cannot give you an accurate answer on how old we all are.

Have you ever been arrested, charged, or convicted of a crime of any type? Don’t be embarrassed… even Teresa “went away” for a while…If so, please give details: No! I mean there is always time, especially if I am picked for your franchise, but as of yet…..no.

Have you ever filed for bankruptcy or Chapter 11? No. Although, Teresa has taught me that perhaps I should?

Have you ever auditioned for or been a performer, participant, or contestant on a reality show such as the Real Housewives? If I had, do you really think I would be applying for your show?

Do you drink alcoholic beverages? Is this a trick question?

What’s your favorite drink? Between the hours of 7am and 5pm coffee. Between the hours of 5pm -1am vodka and diet.

Have you ever been married or engaged? Well, yes. First marriage to a douche…think Simon type of douche, although Tamra is kind of psycho, so can we really blame the guy?Second marriage still going strong……unless I join your show, then the odds of me being divorced in a year just went up about 20%.

Do you have any children? My oldest is 23 (who still lives at home, can you help me with that? I also have a 16, 12 and 10-year-old. My 12-year-old has autism and epilepsy. I will not be using that as my storyline, ya know, the way Jacqueline used her son.

Are you genuinely looking to get married and why? Well, since I am already married, I am gonna go ahead and say no, I am not looking to get married.

Which spouse would you choose to have on any of the Real Housewives shows? Easy! I do not remember his name, which speaks volumes, but Heather from NY, her husband. Her husband actually reminds me so much of mine. My current husband, not the douche.

Please describe your ideal mate in terms of physical attraction and in terms of personality attraction. Brad Pitt.

How many serious relationships have you been in and how long were they? I have a feeling this question will come back to bite me in the ass.

What happened to end those relationships? They were psychopaths.

What have you not found but would like to have in a relationship? Like, are you trying to cause a fight?

What are your hobbies and interests besides watching The Real Housewives? Write. I love to write, about anything and everything, which I usually do on my blog.

Do you have any pets? For example: Lisa Vanderpump has 2 mini horses, 2 swans (Hanky and Panky), countless dogs including Jiggy..Do you have more or less than her? I have nine cats, and if I had my way, I would double that amount. Yes, I am literally the crazy cat lady, and make no apologies about that.

What accomplishment are you most proud of? (We don’t care if you if have successfully sang a one hit wonder with auto-tune…ehh emm..The Countess and Kim Z.) Ummm, isn’t that why I am applying for your show….so I can have an accomplishment? I mean, aside from my kids and all.

blog-jen

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