Seizures.

As many of you know, Gracie, my 15-year-old daughter has both epilepsy and autism. She has been on meds since March, after a very long stressful day of multiple seizures. The current goal, is for Gracie to be one-year seizure-free, without adjusting the meds, before we can start weaning her off of them.

Early this morning, like 4 am early, both girls come to get me. “Mom, Gracie thinks she is going to have a seizure!” This is typical for Gracie. Thankfully, many times she knows when one is coming. She takes the necessary precautions to make sure she is in a safe place if and when the seizure hits. So, at 4am, Gracie and I found ourselves watching old episodes of “Roseanne” on my big comfy sofa.

I was watching her but pretending not to watch her because she hates being watched. I am also a crazy paranoid mother who sucks under pressure so I do not know how to not watch her. I am waiting. I already texted Joe, who at this time is already at work. He wants to be updated as well.

I keep asking her “How do you feel?” “Do you feel any better?” “Do you still think you are going to have a seizure?” Gracie usually has a rapid heartbeat and feels dizzy right before a seizure, so I try to do what I can to assess the situation.

Everything seems fine. There is no seizure, which is exactly what we want. No seizure, but something is not adding up to me. I need to delve a little bit deeper.

“Gracie, can you tell me what you were doing before you felt like you were going to have a seizure?”

“Sure!”

“Like, now. Can you tell me now what you were doing before you felt like you were going to have a seizure?”

“Yes. I was watching videos of people having seizures.”

“Ummm, what?”

At this point I am confused, yet everything is making sense.

So basically, Gracie wanted to see videos of people having seizures. Since she is the one always having the seizure, she never sees what she looks like. She was curious, did a quick youtube search, found some videos of people (and I believe one dog) having a seizure. It freaked her out. It freaked her out because it’s a freakin seizure and no matter how you try to make it sound pretty, it just isn’t. Because she is no so freaked out her heart starts to beat fast- Boom, she thinks she is going to have a seizure when in reality she just needs to NOT watch videos of seizures and 4 freakin a.m in the morning.

Also, she put in a request for eyeliner, because apparently having the right kind of eyeliner will make any seizure better. That is what I call “Gracie Logic” and many times, I just have to go with it.

 

~Jennifer

Day 10: The Video

I finally saw the video of my son, AJ, reuniting with his “dad” after 19 years. It’s only a 37-second video, but I have probably watched it at least 37 times. You see my son walking down a long empty corridor. (From what he told me, airports are so empty now) Because I know my son, I knew his long stride confident walk was also filled with nervousness. A tall, much older, much heavier person emerges from the sideline. Immediately I knew it was The Ex. I knew this because who the hell else would be walking up to my son, right? As soon as AJ saw him, he settled his one suitcase on the ground, and then they embraced. A long, silent embrace. It was both bittersweet and slightly weird to see.

Together, they walked out of view of the camera to the other family members waiting in the corner. That was it.

My son looked happy, and strangely at peace. All these years my son was very vocal about not wanting to see his dad. I thought I was doing the right thing by respecting his wishes. Maybe I should have forced it? I have no idea. Most likely not. Maybe in some strange way, his dad is what has been missing in him all these years? Maybe my son had an emptiness to him that I had no idea went back to his dad? All I know is in that 37-second video clip. AJ looked happy and at peace.

This new chapter of our book is only a few pages in. Who’s to say how this chapter or the next will end? All I know for certain is everything has played out just the way it was supposed to play out. And no matter what, I will offer unconditional love to my son. Whether he needs me from afar or close by.

~Jennifer

Day 8: “Dreams”

Ever since my son left for Virginia, I have been having very weird, scary dreams. I have always had kind of off-putting unusual dreams, so in a way, this is nothing new. Except it is. These dreams are at the next level. I would wake up shaking, confused, not knowing where I was. These dreams always involved some sort of cheating, usually by me. And for reasons that I am unclear of, always involved my husband, ex-husband, and an assortment of other random guys. Like, WTH?!

I am sure there is some psychotherapist out there who would have a field day analyzing my dreams from the last week, I, however, do not have it in me. I almost felt like the leading lady on “Nightmare on Elm Street” who was afraid to close her eyes because Freddy Kruger would make an appearance.

Now if you remember, thankfully, my son called me yesterday. It was what I needed just at the right time. I needed to hear his voice to make sure he was okay.

Do you want to know what I dreamed about last night? Jeremy and Audrey Roloff from “Little People Big World.” We were celebrating Christmas, and Jeremey and Audrey were having a slight disagreement. I had to be the peacemaker.

You guys, I do not even watch that show so I have NO IDEA where this is coming from!

If I do not dream about kittens and puppies, or Brad Pitt and Adam Levine tonight, I just may need to throw in the towel…or have another shot of vodka.

~Jennifer

Day 7

He finally called! It has been one week since he left under some not too good circumstances. I honestly had no idea if or when I would hear from him again, If you have been reading these posts, you guys already know that. But, he called, and I am so thankful.

Now, during the conversation, there seem to be a couple discrepancies over the last twenty-six years. I believe those will work its self out in time. No need to go down that road just yet. He said he has been gaining weight, I told him “That’s because your stepmom knows how to cook and I do not.” We got a good laugh out of that. He enjoys the country life, although it has been an adjustment for him, and there is a dog. A dog is cool because he has always wanted a dog.

He wants me to resolve things with my sister because “If it weren’t for her, none of this would have happened” and that is exactly why I need more time. I need for her to admit where she went wrong, and she was wrong by not giving me the “heads up” that she put AJ and his Dad in contact. I am not asking for much, but I need her to see that. I did not expect her to ask permission, I feel as her sister at the very least I was due a “heads up.” I explained that to AJ, and for the record, he understands my side.

Thank you guys, all of you who gave me hope and told me to hang in there. Thank you for allowing me to vent. Like I told my son, the story is not over, we are just on to the next chapter. There’s plenty more to be written.

Now if you are still here tomorrow, I can tell you about how I may have had something to do with my daughter slicing her finger (almost) off.

~Jennifer

Day 5

A family member gave me an update on my son today. “He is doing good, waking up every morning and helping out on the campground. His Dad is going to fix the motorcycle so AJ can find a job.”

It was a weird day today. Just all over the place with my emotions. I had a great conversation with my sister. Not the one I am not speaking to at the moment, but the funny supportive sister. I was giving her the above update on AJ, her nephew.  “It’s been four fucking days, of course, everything is good!” Told ya, she is pretty funny!

My sister and son have a pretty close bond.  Back in the early years, my son and I would go over to their apartment everyday to hang out while my ex was at work….or the strip clubs. My sister and her husband would let us all come over when there was never any money for food or diapers. My son and my sister’s daughter were the closest of friends. They played together, ate lunch together, and pretty much drove us crazy tag-teaming us with their antics. They are only 5 months apart, so you can imagine all the fun chaos those two brought on. From day one there was a close bond between my sister and son. She truly loves him, and although she is so supportive with me, and lets me vent to her, nothing will ever take away the bond she feels toward her nephew. Nor should it.

I also got word that my son’s stepmother reads this blog. I told ya, my family is nuts! I do not mind her reading the blog, it’s a public blog. Anything I write here I would say to anyone in person. Four days ago I was told that the stepmother wanted to reach out to me. I was hesitant. I mean what is there to talk about? Pretty much nothing unless she has a good pot roast recipe she can send my way. I am sure she has already heard I am a horrible cook. And I am, I can own it! Anyway, after some convincing from a family member “Jennifer, let me give her your number. She will reach out. She will put your mind at ease. What do you have to lose?” I am all like “Okay, Cool!”

I have yet to hear from her. So, I am going to put it out here. “To The Mrs., if you do in fact read this blog, please feel you can reach out. Whether it is through message or text. I do not want anything from you other than the assurance that my son is okay. As a mother yourself, I hope you would understand that.”

Moving on.

My youngest son, Vinnie (19) told my husband and me “Ya know, I think AJ did not know how to say good-bye, that’s why he left the way he did.”

He makes a good point. My two boys are not on the best of terms right now, so for Vinnie to come at it objectively, it makes sense. I have no idea if that is the reason or not, but it does make sense.

We are going over to my sister-in-law’s house tomorrow. They have no idea what is going on with AJ so obviously, that will come up. I am a little nervous, a little hesitant. I know I will cry. I am still emotional. And, just talking about it brings on the tears, but we can’t avoid it. Thankfully, I have plenty of vodka.

Anyway, as always, thanks for listening. I hope all of you are doing better than I am…and if you are not doing good, I am here to listen too.

~Jennifer

 

 

Blah.

I still have not heard from my son. Not that I expected to. I know he needs his time, so I am going to try as hard as I can to respect his wishes.

As I mentioned before, my family and my ex’s family are so closely intertwined. A few of my family members have said to me, and rightly so “I do not want to get in the middle. I do not want to pick sides” Absolutely! I would not want it any other way.

The thing is at this stage of my life, I do not need anyone to be on my side when it comes to my child. Know what I mean? This is my child, my firstborn. In many ways, he and I grew up together. I do not need nor want my family to feel they have to pick sides.  I was the one who raised him, I was the one who experienced all of his “firsts” with him. I know his favorite bands, I know the size of his pants, I know his taste in girls. 19 years. So, in my mind, there is no side other than mine.

I was pretty hard on myself today. I can see this becoming a daily thing, but it’s good. I will be okay. I have been looking back on the last 19 years and questioning everything I have done. I could have done more, I should have been better. I worked too much, I did not work enough. I don’t know. You guys know how it is, especially if you are a parent. Right or wrong I think it is human nature to look back and have guilt and many unanswered questions.

At the end of the day, if he chooses to never talk to me again, as long as he is alive and happy. That is all I want for him. That is all that matters.

Again, thank you guys for listening and offering advice. I know we are all going through our own demons. My story is not the only one out there, so for you to take the time out and let me vent, thank you.

~Jennifer

 

Another day…

Most of you know I work in a Special Ed classroom for 3rd-5th graders. This “lockdown” and “social distancing” has been very challenging to not only my coworkers but our students as well. Today, we did a drive-by kinda thing for once of our non-verbal students whose birthday is today. The big 11! It made my heart happy watching her come out, surprised by us all. She was jumping and skipping. That’s how you know she is happy. Her mother is amazing, invited us into her beautiful home where we were welcomed with a wonderful meat and cheese platter. You guys, the driveway alone is nicer than my apartment, and probably about the size of my entire complex. You can only imagine what the inside looked like. I am standing there taking it all in, my student, my coworkers, the beautiful impeccable home where you could eat off the floor. I had that same fleeting thought, the same thought that has made an occasional appearance the last few days. “Is this where I went wrong with my son? I never had much money.”

Because my luck is the way it is, it was no surprise that my son messaged me while I was at my student’s birthday party. “Do not call me, do not write me, I will reach out when I am ready. You are a liar. You telling everyone I do drugs was wrong”

Well then. Let me give you a very quick backstory. My family is very intertwined with biodad. Trust me, you do not want the gory yet juicy details. If you remember the show “Jerry Springer” then you are pretty much caught up. My youngest sister has always been close to my ex. They are family. She lived with him and his girlfriend at one point. I get it, I really could not care any less. I am used to it. As long as boundaries are not crossed.

It is my opinion that my sister is very “Pro Ex” even more than she is “Pro Sister” Fine. I get it, this really is not anything new. Well, when my son informed me that after 19 years of no communication, he now wanted to go live with him, I called up my sister. My sister and I are close but not AS close as she seems to be with my ex. I called her because I needed to find out that the ex was on the up and up. I needed to know my son was telling me the truth. I told my sister everything that I had experienced with my son. I told her about the meth, I told her that my own son admitted that to me. I told my sister that my son had friends telling me all sorts of things. And, I told my sister “I am not telling you this to tell the ex, I am just telling you so someone has all the information.”

Naturally, my sister tells the ex.

Naturally, my ex tells my son.

This is what provoked the message from him today.

Yay me!

Oh, and my sister was the one who put my son and ex in contact. Now that’s cool and all. He is 26 and needs to make his own choices. However, the fact that I had to find out from my son and not my own sister that she was indeed the one who put them in contact, well, that stung. When I was talking to her on the phone, mad, sad, scared for my son, one would think that would have been the perfect opportunity to say “Hey Jen, just a heads up, but I was the one who told AJ how to contact him.”

So, I am mad. I am hurt, I am so damn annoyed at everything. I know she reads this blog, I have no idea how she is going to feel after reading this post. I am not at a place where I can talk to her just yet, but I sure as hell can write and vent.

Hopefully, a year from now, everything will look different. Hopefully, all of the main characters will have grown and learned from this, myself included.

But for now, I need to go through this anger and pain in order to eventually heal.

~Jennifer