I woke up this morning with a mixed feeling of defeat and hope. I had hope that maybe today would be the day things got better, however after the last two weeks why would today be any different?

I get very little sleep these days. I spend my nights searching Google for some sort of answers and understanding. Trying to implement new “tips” that are casually numbered 1-10 in a bold black font.

I have been down this road before. Sixteen years ago, my Google searches would be all about gastroschisis. There was never too much I could read. I wanted to read it all, armed with knowledge so I could fight for my daughter before she was even born.

A few years later, my Google searches would change to autism. Same routine, just a different topic. I would read all that I could, hoping I could be armed with the knowledge to fight for my daughter when she could not fight for herself.

Again, a few years after that it would be “epilepsy” that consumed my searches. I had to know everything, possible prevention, and hopeful for a cure so I could be prepared if and when the next seizure hit.

I know how to fight, I know how to advocate. The last 16 years have taught me that. And, if I may say, I am pretty damn good at it. Or I was, until now,

Looking back, I can see this has been going on for a very long time. It would come in waves. Once the wave passed, I would ride the current until the next one hit. Sometimes it would be a few months, other times maybe a year? It’s hard to understand some things as you are living it. It’s only now, the last week or so that I have a better understanding of my next battle. A battle that we have unknowingly fought for a very long time. A battle that I very much feel I am fighting for someone else, or maybe it is all of us?

There’s lots of stigma attached to it, which is maybe why it took me so long to realize what was in front of me? Or maybe just denial? Or maybe because I am such a fixer, I figured “any day now” everything would be fine.

It’s scary. It’s an evil monster who can take your life and the life of those around you. I can see how some people would not see Him until it is too late. He brings on feelings of worthlessness, and defeat. He shines an invisible mirror into your soul, and the only reflection looking back is emptiness. He makes you question everything you ever knew, and He will continue to do so until you get help. And, let’s not even talk about what can happen if one chooses to not get help.

Depression.

The silent killer.