I messed up. Granted it does not happen often, but this was pretty bad.

My younger sister is pregnant with her first child. As soon as we found out she was pregnant, my mother, my other sister and myself have been bombarding “Pregnant Sis” w/ baby names, especially girl baby names because everyone believes “Pregnant Sis” will have a girl. Some of my personal picks are…

Anninston Hope
Kennis Tru

and that’s about it. Unusual names, but nothing like Apple or Pear, or even Squash.

My mother and other sister enjoy the more common names, Lacy, Faith, Madison, etc.

Anyway….none of that matters because every name we come up with for the baby, “Pregnant Sis” happens to have an ex boyfriend who had a sister who had a boyfriend who kicked his dog and the dogs name was Anninston.

You see?!

So the other day “Pregnant Sis” calls me out of the blue w/ exciting news. She has FINALLY decided on the name for her baby assuming the baby is a girl.

“Okay, tell me what is it?….Wait…do I need vodka for this?”

“Pregnant Sis” took a quick little “sigh” and told me

“You may actually need a drink for this.”

Well considering it was only noon, I could not drink. Perhaps in hindsight if I had had my vodka the following events would not have happened.

I am on the phone, outside on our balcony, talking to “Pregnant Sis” who is so excited to tell me the name she and “Baby Daddy” picked out for their daughter. I anxiously await. “Pregnant Sis” takes a deep breath then as proud as she could she reveals the names. Yes, I said names, first, middle, and a hyphenated last name.

Silence. I was speechless for about two seconds and then the uncontrollable laughter set in. Yes…I, the older and wiser sister laughed….uncontrollably.

Just kill me now!!!

“I knew you would not like it”

As I am trying desperately to catch my breath, I tell “Pregnant Sis” to give me a second, let the name sink in. It did not work.

I am the worse sister ever!!!

And now “Pregnant Sis” will not answer my calls.

So, in the hopes of “Pregnant Sis” reading this blog, I want to here by publicly apologize to you for laughing. Any name you decide on for your baby is perfect!!! The name is a little bit quirky just like you…and that my dear is a compliment!!

I know you, my faithful readers are just dying to know exactly what kind of name had me busting out laughing. I cannot say. I actually have other family members who on occasion read this blog and “Pregnant Sis” wants to be the one to tell everyone the name. As soon as she gives me her okay, I will reveal the name. Then you all can tell me what a cute name it is and how I am a horrible sister who lacks creativity.

If I had only had my vodka none of this would happen.

Tommy’s crossed arms answered my question before he spoke.

“She called again didn’t she?” I asked, there in the open doorway,one hand on my hip, the other clutching my bag and briefcase. I already knew the answer, I just needed to hear him say so.

He just stood there, trying as hard as he could to not look guilty. The right side of his mouth was clenched in a way that lead me to believe he was biting the inside of his cheek. His stiff tense arms resting on his chest, while leaning against the fridge. The eyes, those crystal clear blue eyes, always a sure giveaway to when he was lying. Tommy can make you think he is looking you dead in the eye but he isn’t. He is looking at the space right between your eyes. A little trick he had taught me when I had my first public speaking assignment.

“Look Jess, I did not have to tell you she called, I’m just being honest with you”

Angrily I threw my coat on the table, although it looks as if it made it to the floor. I don’t care.

“Actually you did not tell me, I guessed, and where was this new form of honesty six months ago?”

I walk towards my desk, not really having a reason to be there, just not wanting Tommy to see my eyes slowly starting to form with tears.

“Don’t start with me Jess”

I can hear the annoyance in his voice as he makes his way to the fridge to grab a Coors.

“Don’t start with you? You are the one who brought this person into our life, and you better be the one to get rid of her, or else I will.”

This was a writing prompt from

our task….

This week, focus on dialogue and body language to set a scene or move a story forward, limiting your use of narration. You have 450 words, beginning with the line: His crossed arms answered her question before he spoke.

If you are writing memoir this week and find the opening line too restrictive, incorporate the idea of crossed arms as close to the beginning of your piece as possible.

This was very new to me. I am a beginner and would appreciate and kind of constructive criticism….just be nice!!!

After this, I do believe my vodka is calling!

I keep my cell phone on me at all times. I have two main reasons for this, well, make that three.

1. I have OCD

2. My house phone is down (even though my husband and son “promised” they knew how to fix it.

3. I worry if something bad happens to someone in my family I will miss the call (especially since my house phone is down, see above!)

With that in mind, I will tell my story.

Tonight, like any other night, I did my usual routine. Check and reply to emails, feed kids dinner, find some way to disrupt my husband and his x-box game, make a drink and take a shower. This is my routine every night, and my cell is on me at all times.

I got as far as grabbing my pajamas, head to the bathroom w/ my drink in hand, turn on the water, start to get in and then I get the text from my 17 yr old niece.

Niece~ we have a problem

now see, this is exactly why I have my cell on me 24 hours a day, there is a problem.

Me~ What’s wrong?!?!?!

Niece~ The football game on Friday starts at 6:00 not 6:30

Granted this problem only applies to my niece, but still, it is a problem.

Me~ That’s not a problem, you will be home earlier

Okay, all is good on her end, she is just your typical 17 yr old teenager who believes everything is a problem, on with my shower!

About 4 minutes later another text.

Here lays the problem. I am already in said shower, shampoo in hair. My cell is safely beside the sink. What do I do? Is it my niece again with another “problem” or is it someone else with a real problem. Will I ever be able to forgive myself if it is someone with a real problem and I ignored this text because I was too busy enjoying my new Moroccan oil shampoo (awesome by the way). Of course I will never be able to forgive myself.

I ever so carefully reach from the shower to the counter where my cell phone lay, being careful not to allow any water to drip on it. My entire body is in the shower while my right arm with cell phone in hand is hanging over the toilet.

I already know what you are thinking, I closed the lid.

Niece~ So when you get a chance you have to go look at my facebook page, my uncle posted this awesome looking truck on my page.

Perhaps I should have ignored this text.

Me~ After shower.

Once again I make the long familiar reach from the shower to the sink.

Another text.

Oh-for-god-sakes!!

Niece~ Oh you freak, were you talking to me while in the shower?!?!?!

Well you kinda have to laugh here don’t you?

Me~ Well…that was not obvious was it?

I waited just a few more seconds or two before I laid the phone back down on the counter, and then, I just had to send one more text. I mean this was too good not to send.

Me~ that awkward moment when you realize the person you are texting is in the shower.

I still have not heard back from my niece.

So…Hollywood, here we come!!! Shall I expect the contract in the mail??

A few highlights about how I spent my New Years.

7:00 pm. My in laws drop on over (because my husband told them we need more towels which is a blog post within itself!) They come over, bring us some snacks, say hi to the kids. I am sitting at the table, while my husband and his parents are standing around the table. (was this my cue to stand up?) Anyway…this is important. My in laws are Samoan, they have a very heavy accent. The kind where you really need to pay attention to what they are saying, or else you (I) will get lost. I am at the table, trying to “look busy” because they are talking to Joe in Samoan, and for all I know they are telling him how I need to be a better housekeeper. All of a sudden my husband says “they want to do prayer before they leave”

No problem. Of course I do not know if I should stand up, or just sit straight up in the chair, but either way I get myself prepared for the prayer. I bow my head, close my eyes, and my father in law starts with the prayer…….or what I “think” is the prayer. He thanks god for Joe and I helping them out every now and then, he is thanking god for the family. All the while my head is bowed, eyes are closed, and I “might” be thinking this is a really long prayer. My father in law is talking, and talking and talking, and I cannot stop thinking how long of a prayer this is. I ever so slightly open my eyes, and low and behold my husband, mother in law and father in law are looking at me.

“What?”

“Are you ready for prayer Jennifer?”

Just between you and I, I thought we were currently in prayer, apparently not, and so began prayer again.

11:45 pm on New Years Eve. My husband, Joe, decided to call his family to wish them a happy New Years. No problem with that at all!! I just told him to hurry up because it is almost midnight. “Oh yeah, I will be fast.”

So he makes his phone calls, parents, brother, and his two sisters. Not one person answered their phone (well duh!)

at this point it is about four minutes till New Years. We turn on the tv to watch the ball drop in times square. Joe asks me why I think no one picked up the phone. “Well, because it is only a few minutes till midnight?”

10-9-8-7-

“Okay everyone, get ready, it is almost the new year”

6-5-4-3-

“here we go!”

2-1- HAPPY NEW YEAR

So..I wish Joe and the kids “happy new year”. I ask everyone what they hope the new year will bring, and Joe then ask me “When is it new years?”

Ummm, what???

“What do you mean?”

“When is it officially New Years?”

Yes, he is drinking, but he only had a glass of wine. This is not a case of him being drunk, this is a case of him being clueless.

“Well, remember a few seconds ago when I said “Happy New Year?” THAT would be when New Years begins.

“Oh @#*$, I missed it!”

“Well, yeah you did.”

“Happy New Year!” (and that;s when he gives me a hug and kiss)

So, officially, my new Year did not start until 12:07 am.

and I would not have it any other way.

(except I kind of would, but it makes me look nice to end the post on that note)

2012 will be my year for Blogging!!!

I know I have been slacking, but like I said 2012 will be my year. With that being said, I will leave you with an epic last post of 2011.

Pap smears!!

I am very pro-active with my health. I go to every appointment, make sure I am in tune with my body blah blah blah.

I was suppose to schedule my yearly pap smear right around Christmas, but, because my mind is all screwed up, I thought “Well I am just going to wait till the first of the year because god forbid the doctor finds out I have cancer, that would be a sucky Christmas”

yes folks, this is how my mind truly works.

So I scheduled my pap smear for January 5th. I am good to go….kind of.

I have had this doctor for eight plus years. He is awesome, and literally saved not only my life but my daughters. That makes me kind of loyal to him.

He has seen me at my worst, and at my best. I remember one time I was about 7 months pregnant with Sofia, went in for my usual checkup and he complimented my makeup.

Holla!!!!

And no, he is not some young hot doctor. He is older (late 60’s) and he hardly speaks English (Korean) but like I said he saved my life, my daughters life, and he said my makeup looked good, so he is a keeper.

After I had my oldest daughter, Gracie, I went in for my follow up checkup. “Oh Jennifer, it looks like you have some extra skin you need to lose”

So glad he pointed that out to me, otherwise I would have had no idea.

I lost the weight, went in for another pap smear a year later “Oh Jennifer, you slimmed down quite a bit, I would like to see you gain a couple pounds”

I took that as a compliment.

Then, just as I was feeling all good and sexy about myself, I get pregnant again.

Figures.

I go in for my third month pregnancy checkup. “Jennifer, you are not gaining enough weight, this needs to change”

Again, took that as a compliment, but realized that I had to gain some weight. Being that I was carrying a life inside me and all.

I fully took advantage of the m&m’s, Big Macs, and just about anything else that had carbs.

Went in for my fourth month pregnancy checkup. “Jennifer, you are gaining too much weight, you are only suppose to gain 45 pounds and you are already at the twenty pound mark, you have five months to go still”

Well crap!

Five months goes by, I gained weight, lots of weight, but refused to let my doctor tell me exactly how much weight I gained because I am no fool.

Had the baby, went in for my follow up checkup “Jennifer, looks like you still have some loose skin you need to lose, you should try sit ups.”

What a novel idea.

Another year goes by, baby is now one. Time for my pap smear. “Yes Jennifer, you have not been doing those sit ups have you?”

Just kill me now.

Three more years go by. “Very good Jennifer, you have been doing sit ups (totally have NOT been doing sit ups) I would like to see you maintain this weight”

Doctor obviously has no freakin idea what he is talking about, I need to lose at least twenty pounds.

And now, here we are. January 5th, time for another pap smear. And even though I weigh slightly less than my last weight he told me to maintain, that is just not good enough. I want to be ten pounds less.

If I can just lose five more pounds before January 5th then I will be one happy girl….and hopefully will hear the words “I need you to gain some weight” which I will not do but every girl wants to hear they need to gain some weight. (right??)

Most people want to lose weight to make themselves feel better, maybe even for their husbands, or some new guy/girl that has caught their eye. Not me folks, I want to lose weight for my gynecologist…..who is not even hot.

Yep, I never claimed to not have issues, but it is fun! My new challenge, lose five pounds in eight days. Can totally be done.

Then I will report back here with my gyno’s response.

And this folks was my last epic post of 2011. Stay tuned for 2012 for some serious blogging…unless of course my gynecologist informs me that I have cancer, then that will throw my plan all out the window.

Happy New Year!!

The other night I was talking on the phone to my very good friend of over 10 years, Christin. To make a very long complicated story short (although one I will revisit in another post) here are the basics. Christin is a single working mother of two children. She has also had the worst luck with meeting the right person.

I am on the phone, listening to her latest story about this idiot she was interested in. Her and the idiot had recently reconnected on Facebook, and for reasons that we still do not know the “why” to, the Idiot deleted her…and as you know in Facebook world, that is a big no no.

Also, I was drinking my vodka and diet ginger ale while we were talking.

We talked for a long time.

You do the math.

In the course of this conversation, I got fed up with the Idiot and took it upon myself to make a dating profile for Christin on POF.

Now a days, that seems to be the norm for meeting people, and well, it could not be much worse than her current situation.

So I am on the phone with her, drinking my vodka, occasionally asking her “Hey, what’s your email address?” blah blah blah blah blah “Hey, what year were you born again?” blah blah blah blah blah “and you like bigger guys, right?”

Never once did Christin ask why I was asking her all these questions…..and she was sober!

Done!

Christin is now the newest member of POF (plenty of fish). This will be fun, I will screen all the morons and send the good ones her way.

Christin and I hang up the phone, I have a few more drinks, and sleep.

The next day, I am doing my usual running around, kids school, laundry, dishes, OH CRAP!!!! I never actually told Christin what I did. This was a phone call I was not looking forward to make.

I get Christin on the phone, and she is done! D-O-N-E with the Idiot, and there was my perfect se-gway “I am glad you’re done with him because I kind of forgot to tell you something last night”

I end up confessing to her that I mad her a dating profile. She laughs, which is why her and I have been such good friends over the years. Just think of us as the modern day Lucy and Ethel (and if you do not know who Lucy and Ethel are, then get out of my blog!)

Now, in my opinion the best part of the story is coming up, so pay attention.

After we hang up, and I realize she is not mad about what I did, I figure “What the heck, let me go look to see if she has anyone interested in her.”

She had 8 emails in her POF email account!!

I get myself all comfy at the computer, start reading some of the emails and quickly delete, delete, delete. Lots of schmucks out there.

And then I see this picture that I recognize…wait a minute….is that who I think it is?? I check out the profile, oh my god, it IS who I think it is (and even though this would make for a way better story, no, it was not my husband). It is Christins ex from a few years back!!!

How funny is this?! Christins ex found her on a dating web-site and emailed her.

I am cracking up, I mean I cannot make this stuff up. I grab the cell and dial up Christin,

“Hello”

I can barely talk straight I am laughing so hard

“Christin *laughing” honestly *laughing*these things only happen to us *laughing*”

“What did you do now?!?!?!”

“Well, I think Nick found you on POF”

“JENNIFER!!!!!!!!!!!!”

My husband and I decided to have a “chicken cook-off,” which basically means both of us think we know how to cook chicken better than the other.

We are in the kitchen, together, with knives. Not cool.

The Husband is in the kitchen “preparing the chicken.” Not too sure I know what that means. I saw garlic, Italian salad dressing, onions, and something liquid that was brown.

While “Yours Truly” over here broke out the milk, flour, my secret seasonings and I went to work. No need to “prepare” anything. I Got This!!

I dip the chicken into the milk, then my flour mixture….I can see The Husband eyeing me.

“What you’ve got going on over there?”

“Nothing, it’s a secret, why, are you worried, because you should be, Boo-Ya!”

(classy kind of girl I am)

We get back back to business. He is putting his chicken into a Ziploc bag to marinate it, I am doing the milk, flour mix to mine. Who needs to marinate, I am ready to go.

As I butter the pan, I see The Husband sneaking a taste of my flour mixture, the same flour mixture that already has the raw uncooked chicken in it.

“Ewwwww, oh my god what are you doing?!?!?”

“I just wanted a taste, why…are YOU worried?”

“The only thing I am now worried about is you will get salmonella poisoning…….there
is raw chicken in there!”

The Husband looks at me, not sure if I am messing with his head or not, he looks at the mixture, still not convinced there is raw chicken in there.

“Oh-for-god-sakes…just look!”

I take the tongs, pull the raw chicken out of the flour mixture he just tasted.

“See, I told you!”

“Oh @&#&!”

As he makes a mad dash for the kitchen sink to rinse out his mouth.

Yeah, that was my night.

However, I DID win the chicken cook off.

and, The Husband, just may be in the ER right now.

But, I still won.

Allow me to get up on my soap-box for a moment.

I have been a loyal fan of Glee. I love Glee, even Rachel.

Many times after an episode, my husband and I will try to do karaoke to the songs we just heard. (and I stress the word try)

My personal favorite is the Rachel/Quinn duet to “Unpretty“

Love it!!

However, the past few episodes have left me with the “Really, are you serious?!” kind of feeling.

I do not like the Puck/Shelby storyline. Actually, it goes beyond me not liking it, as of now, I will say it is done in pretty poor taste.

Puck (18) is in love with Shelby (his teacher…and also the lady who adopted his baby)

I know he is in love with her because he told her he was in love with her….and, also, they kissed. A pretty passionate kiss for a show that is suppose to be “family orientated”

I am the first to admit I can be a prude at times.

But….so far…..unless something dramatic happens here pretty soon, I feel the Glee writers are glamorizing the teacher/student relationship.

Not cool! Especially in light of the Penn State scandal now.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this. Am I being a prude and just need to suck it up? Do you feel Glee is taking it too far? Talk to me!

The other day I read an article online that said push-ups are the absolute best exercise to do if you want nice arms. And, because I read it online I knew it just HAD to be true. Right?

So I had a plan in place to make me have Demi Moore arms like she did in Strip Tease.

Also, part of my new found plan was to multi task.

My new plan was that every day that I had to use the restroom whether I was doing my makeup, taking a shower, or cleaning the bathroom that no one else knows how to clean except me, I will do a set of “sink push-ups”. Hands on the counter, feet spread apart, Demi Moore arms here I come.

Well…..apparently I did not google enough information on how to do a proper push-up….on the sink. My pathetic attempt at 15 lousy push-ups led to a sore neck/back.

Whatever, I will not give up. Mind over matter. Surely I can overcome freakin SINK PUSH UPS. I mean it is not even a real exercise, I made it up, and because I made it up I can either keep it alive or cave in. I was not going to cave in to something I made up because I am too lazy to do a real push-up.

But that is not the worst of it,

because I am now trying to multi task, the following events took place.

I go to take a shower. I get the water ready, have my face mask on, strip down to my granny panties and sorry excuse of a bra and realize “Crap! I need to do my sink push-ups” (Demi Moore arms here I come!)

Sure, the bathroom is fogging up because my shower is going, sure, my face is green in my feeble attempt to try the latest face mask in keeping with the fountain of youth, sure, I have like zero clothing on right now, I can knock out 20 sink push-ups real quick.

Everything was going fine, me,granny panties and bra, green face, on my 5th sink push-up, oh yeah, I got this. I am amazing, I thought up a new exercise all on my own, this will become the new “it” thing to do, someone will write a book about me, I am awesome….and then…..and then…I made the god awful mistake of looking at the full length mirror that is right next to my bathroom sink.

I do not know if I can recover from the vison I saw in the mirror. It was bad, real bad. Things were not where they should be, I saw things at angles that should be banned, it was bad. Picture a beautiful balloon…..that is now deflated and just barely trying to hang on.

Oh god I need help.

Diet starts tomorrow.

Again.