Forgive me if my thoughts are a little scattered but as I write this I’m trying to gather them and make sense of how I’m feeling.
I just dropped my son (11) with his dad. I use the term “dad” very loosely so, keep that in mind as I try to figure this all out. Let me take you back about 13 years ago. “The dad” and I were together just a short time. We lived together for about 6 months and then we both decided it wasn’t working. As my luck would have it, a week later I found out I was pregnant. “The dad” made it to one prenatal appointment. One. I went through my pregnancy ALONE and eventually moved a good distance away. We lost contact for whatever reason and then 2 years later I get a phone call from “the dad” saying he wanted to meet his son for the 2nd time (first time was in the hospital). I agreed but had no expectations, which was a good thing.
The next 9 years, “the dad” would make an appearance every couple years but nothing consistent. I have bent over backwards to encourage and facilitate a relationship for my son’s sake. I have traveled to “the dad”. I have allowed “the dad” to stay at my home, so my son could spend time with him. I don’t tell you this because I want an award but more so to help me stop blaming myself. I did the best I could. I did ALL I could. I did a good job and I did it ALONE.
So now my son is almost 12 and old enough to know about his “dad” but to say they have a relationship is a bit of a stretch. I must add that his dad is not a bad guy, he just doesn’t make his son a priority. So, tonight as I watched the red lights fade away while my son left with his “dad”, I hope for the sake of my son that “ the dad’s “speech about “I’m going to do better and “I’m sorry, I want to be a better dad” is more than just words.
I haven’t spent much time away from either of my kids, so as I sit here at my laptop, I keep looking around, expecting to see him. I will tomorrow but I hope that my son knows that I always tried to be enough. I tried to be his father, provider, encourager, supporter, entertainer, but mostly, I tried my hardest to be a good mother.