Christin

Next to actually being in an abusive relationship, the hardest thing is to witness someone that you love and care about being abused both physically and emotionally.

I wanted desperately to grab Jen by her shoulders and shake some sense into her. I wanted to tell her to leave him. I remember having many conversations with her, telling her that she could do so much better than T. My pleas fell on deaf ears.

I never witnessed T physically abusing Jen. But as I said before, I saw the changes in her and it was if I didn’t know who my friend was anymore. I had to walk a fine line in this situation. I didn’t want to make her feel worse than she was already feeling, by pointing out the obvious but I also couldn’t stand by and watch her being mistreated. I felt helpless and I’m pretty sure Alphonso felt the same way. Our hands were tied.

T eventually came back to the apartment after our fight. He apologized for being an ass. I accepted, but I kept my distance. I didn’t want to be a part of his madness and mayhem.

One day Alphonso and I were out doing some shopping. Coincidentally, we ran into Jen and T at Wal-Mart while we were checking out. Jen didn’t look so good.

“What’s going on” I asked.

“The ex needs money and has agreed to let me see the baby, if I give him some money.” Alright. “We are headed to Denny’s, you want to meet him there?”

Jen looked nervous. “Yeah, that works”

So, Alphonso, T, Jen and I headed down the street to Denny’s to meet Jen’s ex.

We showed up and sat in our regular round booth like we did many nights.

Except this would not be like any other night.

Jennifer

Things were better between T and I. He just hit me that one time, and I forgave him. In my mind it was almost sweet he was that protective over me. I mean yeah, he had a temper with other people, but not with me. Aside from that one time.

Then, I was blindsided again. T and I went into work one afternoon. We were both working the closing shift. We are walking together, heading back to the time clock, and apparently this guy looked at me the wrong way. T turned to me and slammed me into a card table display. The customers behind us helped me up, and T took off. Management was made aware of what happened, and T was going to be fired. Walmart does not tolerate violence, whether it is with an associate, or a pallet.

I got myself together and started my shift.

Shortly there after the phone call came in from T. He had to turn himself in willingly, or he would be arrested.

I lied to my job and told them I had to leave because I was sick. The reality is I drove T to the police station so he could turn himself in. He needed me.

“I am so sorry, I will never hit you again.”

“Please do not leave me.”

“I just thought you liked the dude.”

Once again, I took him back.

I would say my rock bottom happened shortly there after. Christin had a girlfriend over, T and I were getting ready for work in the bedroom. He did not like what I was wearing and made it be known. Apparently my shirt did not cover my bottom, and because of that I was clearly asking for attention. He pushed me, he punched holes in the wall, he called me a whore, and told me “You just want to get fucked by a guy, you don’t care about me.”

When I came out of the bedroom, in a long, baggy shirt that covered my bottom, both Christin and her girlfriend had this look on their face. They were hurting for me. Christin would later tell me “Jen, I was rooting for you, I wanted you to come out of the room with what you wanted to wear, not what he made you wear.”

I was defeated. This was a battle I could not win. In that moment I saw it all. He isolated me, he controlled me, he would come up to work on his days off to monitor who I was talking to. There was certain people I was not allowed to talk to, and if I did, I would get my ass beat. It did not matter if it was at my job or not. At one point management had the police on speed dial. You could never be too careful with T.

But then, when I least expected it. T did something that changed my life forever, in a positive way.

In a very short time, while Christin and Alphonso were fighting their demons, and I faced the fact that I was in a physically abusive relationship, something happened that bonded us.

For a brief moment, we were all on the same side.

That one time.

Christin

Never having a constant father figure really damages a person. How does a woman know what to expect from her partner if she was never taught was is acceptable and not acceptable? How does she know her worth if no one ever showed her? How does she fill a void that has been missing for her entire life? The answer is she finds herself in a relationship that is all wrong, but she rationalizes it to herself and everyone around her.

That’s what Scotty was. He filled that void. Even if it was temporarily filled. The truth was he never really was mine. He took my time, energy and sanity, but he was never mine. The truth came out about his “friend” upstairs and his liking for Jen. Everyone saw it but me. I was always the last to know everything. Except for this time. T was the last to know that Scotty had hit on Jen.

“I’m going to blow up his fucking car” were the words that came from T’s mouth. And I believed him. He was serious as a heart attack. I wanted to see Scotty just one more time. I went to his house and proclaiming “I need to talk to you…this is serious” I updated him on how T found out about his proposition to Jen and how T was threatening serious bodily harm to him and his car. I used this as an excuse. Anything to see him just one more time. Just one more time. I wish I could say that was the last time I saw Scotty, but it wasn’t. But not because of me. Meanwhile, there was tension in the apartment.

I began to see personality traits in T that I didn’t like. He didn’t like when other people had an opinion especially when it didn’t coincide with his own. Alphonso took the silent approach when it came to T. I don’t know if he was intimidated or just chose to not say anything. But that wasn’t the case with me. If he was being disrespectful, I would call him out. But one night, he took it too far. Scotty and I were done. I was in a bad mood. T was on a roll tonight.

“So tell your boyfriend, he better watch his back”

“He’s not my boyfriend, so why don’t you tell him yourself”

I was really not in the mood to deal with this.

“He better never come back here again”

No shit. He was definitely not coming back here.

“You have really bad taste in guys, Christin”

Finally I had enough of him lecturing me about what I needed to do or say.

“T, shut the hell up”

Yeah that didn’t go over very well.

“What did you say”

I was done.

“You heard me, I didn’t stutter.”

At this point he got up and started walking towards me.

“What are you gonna do? Not a damn thing” I spouted. Feeling a bit nervous but still in control.

He began to raise his voice and at that point I was intimidated.

“You need to leave. You are not on the lease, so you have to go”

Jen stayed silent. Now I was raising my voice.

“If you don’t leave, I am calling the police.”

It’s almost like he was daring me. As I picked up the phone and began dialing 911, T ran out the back balcony and jumped over it. 3 stories and all. Jen disappeared out the door. A few minutes later, the cop was at the door. I explained what had happened and she took a report.

Everyone was gone.

I sat down and realized maybe this wasn’t where I needed to be. I loved Jen and Alphonso like family but maybe it was time to branch out on my own.

Jennifer

The first time I was hit by a man, was two years earlier. It was my husband, from my first marriage.

In my mail box, were questionable pictures of another woman. She addressed the package to my husband. I opened the package, with my mother in the car. We were blindsided.

I confronted my husband that night, and he punched me in the eye. He punched me so hard I blacked out for a good five minutes. When I came to, I kicked him out. He left willingly.

The next three days were spent in hiding. I had a pretty ugly black eye.  If my family saw me, they would kill him. I also felt I would have been such a huge disappointment to them, by allowing this to happen. It was as if I was a guest on my own Jerry Springer show. The shame and humiliation I felt back then, is a feeling I would never forget.

On day three, my mother came over without calling. There was no more hideing. She took one look at me and broke down. I was determined right then and there to never hurt my family like that again.

Two years later, when I found myself in the same prediciment, it was as if I was reliving the past. How could this happen again? What was it about me that attracted these type of men into my life? Surely someone does not get hit twice, by two different people without it not being their fault.

“I promise you, I will never hit you again.”

“I thought you were looking at a guy.”

“I do not know what came over me, please do not leave me.”

And that is all it took. I fell for it. He needed me, and I needed to be needed.

When things started to go bad for both Christin and I at the same time, it was easier for me to want to save her, and not myself.

In my eyes, I was not worthy, yet, she was.

 

 

Christin

The truth was I didn’t see any red flags. Or maybe I just didn’t want to see them.

I suspected that Scotty was using drugs but didn’t know for sure. I had seen him act in a ways that weren’t normal such as driving erratically or sometimes the way he interacted with others. I never saw anything but it was always in the back of my mind. It didn’t matter to me because I could fix him. I would take his brokenness and single-handedly put it back together.

I remember a phone conversation with my mom. “Mom, I think he’s using drugs…what can I do to help him?” I thought my mom could help me to help him because she, herself had been in recovery for 12 years at that time. “Christin, you can’t help anyone that doesn’t want to help themselves” Well I was going to make him into the man he had potential to be. I would be the one to turn things around for him.
Scotty was spending more and more time in the apartment above ours. Babysitting for a friend of his, that’s what he said. As days and weeks went on, I think I finally figured out what was going on. I didn’t have the balls to ask him, but I put 2 and 2 together. He was seeing “his friend” that lived right above me. It was ok though. I would win. So I tried harder to make him happy. I jumped through hoops and tried to impress him more. I made sure I did everything right. Because if I did everything right, he would love me.
Until I broke one night.
I went out salsa dancing with my friend Shawn and her husband. They dropped me off around 2am. To my surprise, there was a familiar blue Audi parked next to mine. I’m not sure if it was the alcohol or just the weeks of suppressed anger but I took my keys which were connected to a lanyard and begin swinging at his car. I didn’t care if he heard me. I didn’t care what happened. I just wanted him to pay for all the lies. As I smashed his car with the keys, each hit scraping off paint, I felt a sense of empowerment. I was in charge now. Had it not been for Shawn and her husband grabbing a hold of me and the keys, I’m pretty sure I would have continued to smash his car up.
Scotty never said a word about his car. But I’m pretty sure he knew it was me.
The next day Alphonso and Jen needed to talk to me. They looked serious and that made me nervous. “Christin, we have to tell you something.” Ok. Jen was hesitant. “Don’t be mad.” OK. “Scotty asked me out” Wait, what? “I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you”
My first instinct was to be mad at Jen. How could she do this? She was just jealous of me and Scotty. She wanted Scotty. And Alphonso. He didn’t have anybody so he didn’t want me to be happy. How could they do this to me?
I felt broken. My best friends were against me. Scotty wanted my best friend.
I felt so alone.
I didn’t know Jen was feeling the same way.

Jennifer

It had been a good night. Learning to play darts and just driving around. Sometimes those are the best of nights. Not having a destination in mind. Our plans would be to continue hanging out at the apartment, while waiting for T to get off of work. Christin just had to make a quick run to the ATM.

It was around 11 p.m and pouring down rain. My kind of weather. However, my hair would not agree. Christin said she would run into the store real quick, while Scotty and I waited in the car.

I was sitting in the middle of the backseat, for no other reason other than it was easier to talk, while keeping an eye on Christin from the comfort of the car.

Scotty and I had a good relationship. We both knew we had to like the other. I was the BFF of his girlfriend, and he was my BFF’s boyfriend. It was easy to get along with him. He had a good sense of humor and tended to take charge of situations. Never any red flags until that one rainy night when Christin went inside to the ATM.

He turned around and grabbed my hands. I assumed he would be making one of his jokes about how I need a ring on it or something. Instead, he told me “You know Jen, you and I have so much more in common with each other than we do with Christin or T, if it does not work out, I would like to take you out some time.”

This can not be happening. Thankfully, Christin made it back to the car just in time. I sat quietly in the back trying to process this. I needed Alphonso. He would know what to do.

A few days later, I still had not made a decision on if and when to tell Christin. She was so happy with Scotty, I did not want to be “that girl” that comes in and ruins it. Maybe I misread?

T and I were driving down near Redondo. A two lane road filled with twist and turns that takes you on a scenic route of Puget Sound. Beautiful beach houses over looking The Sound were on my left, and the crystal clear water was on my right.

I was mesmerized. I could not look away. Who would want to? One day I wanted to have a house over looking Puget Sound. A view on a cold snowy day is more than I could dream.

It happened so fast.

My head slammed into the passenger’s side window. I felt numb and dizzy. Did we have an accident?

“What the fuck are you looking at? Are you looking at him?”

T was screaming at me. And then it all clicked. There was no car accident. He took my head and slammed it into the window.

My heart sunk.

I was once again broken. In the span of five minutes most, I was broken.

The worse of all, I knew it was my fault.

I asked for it.

I pushed his buttons.

Christin

Scotty was different than anybody I had ever dated. He was white and had tattoos. I had never dated a white guy, so that was something new. He was a little rough around the edges and exuded confidence. He had a charismatic way about him and could walk into any place and strike up a conversation with anyone. Initially, I think that’s what attracted me to him. He was a bad boy but not too bad, but just bad enough.

Our second date, he picked me up in his Audi and took me out to dinner. After we were done eating, he decided to take me to this gravel parking lot where he proceeded to drive insanely crazy, doing donuts with rocks flying everywhere. As ridiculous as it sounds, it was fun but I sensed the possibility of danger. And that was even more exciting.

One day I pulled into our car port. His car was parked in the next parking spot. I got excited because I thought he was there to see me. I ran up the 3 flights of steps and opened the door, expecting him to be there. He wasn’t. So, I decided to give him a call. “Hey, I saw your car in the carport…” Scotty replied “Oh I am babysitting for a friend of mine.” Well ok then. I didn’t know he had a friend that lived in the same apartment building. So I believed him. I didn’t have a reason not to.

The weekends consisted of Jen and I with Scotty and T, sometimes Alphonso chose not to go. He felt like a 3rd wheel, I could understand why. Jen and T were connected at the hip. Scotty and I were getting to know each other and could be found playing pool or deep in conversation. He was easy to talk to and we had a lot to talk about. He had two young daughters that he was estranged from due to his ex-wife. I could tell that this was a painful subject for him and didn’t ask a lot of questions.

There was one night Scotty, Jen and I decided to go out. T had to work until later that night so it was just the three of us. That night it was pouring down monsoon rain. Scotty took us to this little joint down in Redondo, neither Jen or I had ever been. He taught us how to play darts without the dart ending up on the ceiling or in the back of somebody’s head. Scotty and Jen got along really well which made me happy. But that was Scotty, he got along with everyone. We left because we had to pick up T from work. But before that we stopped at the ATM so I could run in and get some cash. We picked up T and headed back to the apartment. We all stayed up until 4am playing cards, drinking and talking. That was how we spent our weekends for the most part.

It was good.

While it lasted.

Jennifer

I spent my mornings making phone calls after phone calls, plotting my revenge on my ex. It was exhausting, and I felt I was hitting dead-end after dead-end. My parents told me to just give them the word, and they would pay for my older son’s plane ticket to come back to Seattle.There was only  a few more pieces of the puzzle to fit, then the plan would be in motion.

Christin put all her energy into work. She had met a new friend, and was starting to hang out with her more frequently. It never took away time from the three of us.We were closer than ever, yet became a little more independent on our own.

Alphonso was a bit distant, but this was not unusual for him. He was always very moody. It was either a good day or bad day with him. No in between. We would either be at the bar having drinks, or he would be locked up in his room working on his sketches.

I met a guy at work. Tall, Islander, bulky. All the girls were after him, yet he took an interest in me. I did not believe it. Why me? Surely this had to be a joke.

T and I started hanging out in a group setting. After work, a group of us would go to Denny’s to unwind. We laughed, talked, and for the most part got to know each other pretty well.

One day he asked me if I wanted to “hook up.” I had no idea what that meant. There was about a six-year age difference, I just figured “hooking up” was some new catch phrase or something that pertained to dating.

We started dating exclusively. He was everything I ever wanted. Everything I was looking for. He was protective, he was giving, he was helping me with my revenge on my ex. His “help” came in the form of “Tell me where he lives and I will have my guys go handle him.” We did everything together. We worked the same shift, had our lunch and breaks together. It was fun. It was adventurous, it was dangerous. He introduced me to a world that I was not familiar with. The Islander culture, music, food. It was all so new to me. I felt so secure and confident with him.

T introduced me to his family, who for the most part loved me. There were a few concerns from my friends, but I knew Alphonso and Christin would love him. They had to love him. I needed them to love them. He was now a reflection of me. If my two very best friends in the entire world did not love him, I did not know what I was going to do.

All Christin and Alphonso wanted for me was to be happy. That is all we wanted for each other. That was our bond. We had seen the demons, we wanted to see each other come out on the other side.

T made me happy. He gave me something that I did not know I was lacking, he made me feel like I could accomplish anything. He was so very protective. If anyone looked at me the wrong way, he went after them. He had it all, looks, charm, and guns. In my eyes, he was my saviour. He made everything okay, he fixed it all. I was quickly falling for him, and falling hard. It was a nice change.

Christin had met Scotty around the same time I met T. We were both equally caught up in our guys. It was that new feeling, the butterflies you get when you know you are going to see them. The waiting for the phone call, checking to make sure the phone is working. Making sure you put extra effort into your outfits (Thank you Alphonso!) Christin and I were on the same path. We took different crossroads, but ended up in the same place.

In more ways than one.

Christin

After the initial meeting in the living room, T became a permanent fixture in the apartment.

My first impression of him was that he was young and slightly immature. On the other hand, he was fun and always ready for an adventure. One day shortly after meeting T, Jen summoned a meeting with Alphonso and me. She looked nervous which made me nervous. “So, would it be ok if T moved in?” Alphonso and I looked at each other. We decided to vote. Alphonso and I voted T in. We were back to a foursome.

A few days after moving in, T came and asked me if I could take him to his old place to get some stuff. I obliged. T and I took a 20 minute drive to his old house. We went in and I sat on the couch thinking he would just grab some stuff and we would be on our way back. All of a sudden I hear the shower going. I sat there for about 20 minutes and then he came out wearing a towel only. I was slightly uncomfortable and embarrassed at the same time. I tried to play it off like nothing, but my intuition was telling me to get out of there. We left shortly after but I never did tell Jen. I knew this guy made her happy and that was something that I hadn’t seen before.

Life went on with the four of us. T was always the life of the party these days. He always had to have his Samoan music blaring in the apartment. Jen, Alphonso and I frequented the bars a little less because T wasn’t quite 21 yet. We had get-togethers in the apartment with Scotty in attendance. Scotty and T got along good, too. Things were good for the first month or two, until changes began to happen.

I began to see subtle changes in the way Jen would dress or the way she would act. She began to wear long sweaters which I had never seen her wear before. She began to isolate herself more often from Alphonso and me. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. But something wasn’t right. One thing I did know, was that T was very protective of Jen. I have to admit, I was envious of that aspect of their relationship. He was overprotective and made sure everyone knew that that was his woman. I think she liked that about him too.

I can’t remember if it was one specific thing or many occurrences put together, but something led me to talk to Alphonso about the changes in Jen. We both agreed that maybe it was time to take her to the side and have a real heart to heart talk. There was only one problem. T was there all the time. They were together all the time. So now we would have to figure out when and where we could get her alone.

Alphonso and I knew there would be a time, but we just had to wait patiently until we had our chance.

Christin

Just as quickly as it became the four of us, it was now just the three of us.

Pat came back into the apartment but it was never the same. There was tension and we all felt it. He stayed for about a week or two after the fallout, then just like that he left.

I was happy he was gone, but that feeling wasn’t mutual with everyone else in the apartment. Alphonso and Pat had become close. They were friends and often times, Pat would take Alphonso lunch or walk him home. So, when Pat left, Alphonso became a little withdrawn.

Life amongst Alphonso, Jen and I returned to somewhat normal.
We all began to branch out and meet new people. I made some new friends at work, including a girl named Shawn. She and I clicked instantly. She began telling me about her brother, Scotty. She kept insisting on setting me up with him on a blind date. I declined several times. I wasn’t ready to officially move on from Freddie. It had been almost a year, letters and calls from him had dwindled to nothing.

But after a few months of Shawn badgering me about going out with her brother, I agreed. The plan was to meet up at a local bar. Classy, I know. Alphonso was in charge of doing my make-up. Jen was going to help me pick out something other than my jeans and sweatshirt. I was nervous. No, that’s an understatement. I was a wreck. We all took some shots before leaving the apartment. They said it would help. It did not.

We showed up at the smoky bar. I saw Scotty before he saw me. With Jen and Alphonso by my side, we all walked over to him. The closer I got, I realized I was in trouble. He had big blue eyes and a friendly smile. I was going to settle for a handshake and he came in for a hug. I hugged him back and without a doubt, I was hooked.

We all hung out that night drinking, playing pool and having fun. Scotty and I found ourselves talking in his car. Next thing I know, he leaned in kissed me. A few minutes later, Jen and Alphonso are banging on the window, telling me it’s time to go. It sure was. We said our goodbyes, but not before he asked me out on a second date. I said yes.

The next few days, all I could talk about was Scotty. I couldn’t wait until our upcoming date. I still didn’t know a lot about him, but from what I saw he seemed like a great guy. My only reservation was the age difference. He was 29 and I was 21. Age was just a number, right?

I wasn’t the only one meeting new people.
One morning I got up to leave for work and we had a new visitor. There was Jen and Alphonso with a tall, Samoan guy. They introduced him as “T”. Once again, I figured he would be gone when I got home.
I was wrong….again.