I am sitting here in the dead of winter, wearing shorts and a tank top, while having my big plush winter white robe within arms reach. I am both cold and hot,undecided if I need more layers or less.  My nose is runny, there is a slight tickle in my throat. According to the thermometer I have fever of 101. But I am not sick. I never get sick. Perhaps “this” is more of an allergy. Yes, that’s it. An allergy of something new. It will only be a matter of time before I find the cause of my allergy that is accompanied by a fever.

Typically, I have a kick ass immune system. Really, I do. I mean sure, I will call the kids in to school every now and then. I may even take a day off myself….but it is not because we are sick. And, if I were on the off-chance to admit I was sick, well then that would ruin my perfect record of never getting sick,so therefore I am not sick.

However, funny thing is, Sofia seems to have the same “allergies” I do.

I have had this “allergy” of sorts for about 24 hours. Earlier today, it was bad, and, going completely on “Jen Logic” I decided the only rational thing to do was to go to the store and pick up some odds and ends that my household needed. I figured the nice cool air would somehow open up my airways, while clearing up my “allergies.”

They were kicking my ass. The last thing I wanted to do was go to the store, but I had to. There is a method to my madness. I am about to paint a not so pretty picture for you. I had no makeup on. None. Under normal circumstances, I would never leave the house without makeup….or a bra. However, today, the main goal was to just get me up and moving, being somewhat productive. I threw on the first pair of jeans I could find that was not covered in cat hair. I grabbed the biggest sweatshirt I had to make sure it was not obvious that I decided to go braless. I then through on my petticoat jacket, just for extra measure. My body could not decide if I was too hot or too cold, none if it mattered to me. I had to be productive.

I get to the store and completely forgot it would be a madhouse due to last-minute Superbowl shopping. Great. This means I will run into someone I know.

While trying to grab a cart that refused to come out of its stall, I turn around and see an elderly gentleman riding one of the scooter things looking at me with a big goofy smile across his face. This is something I really do not need right now.

“Congratulations on your pregnancy!”

I look behind me to see who it is he is talking to.

There is no one behind me.

I look back at him, and with the voice of Satan I exclaimed “What did you just say to me?” Every other shopper who had the unfortunate luck of being in that foyer made a mad dash to the closest exit.

The elderly gentleman then looks at me as if I just made a joke or something. I do not even know this guy and here he is congratulating me on a non-existent pregnancy. What in the hell?!?!

I slammed the cart back into the stall, made my way over to this gentleman who thinks he belongs at the local comedy club.

“Let me give you a little piece of advice. Under no circumstances ever, unless you see a baby popping out with your own two eyes, you are to never congratulate a woman on being pregnant when you have no idea if she is pregnant or not!”

One would think that would have gotten the point across, right? One may even feel sorry for this elderly gentleman who encountered me on a not so good day. Just wait, because in about three seconds, you will be back on my side.

“I am sorry, you’re not pregnant, you just have a little weight to lose…….like I do!”

and the kicker, he said this while laughing! Am I being punked? Are there hidden cameras that will pop out anytime now?

I gave him the infamous “Jen Look” and proceeded inside the store with no cart and no self-esteem.

Perhaps it was the baggy clothes that made him think I was pregnant? Perhaps he had cataracts? I have no idea……..but what I do know, is after about fifteen minutes of research, I found out that in the US, a tummy tuck cost $5,463.00

Perhaps I do not really need a house after all.

~Jennifer

I adore teachers. I adore my children’s teachers. I am lucky enough to be in a position where I have an inside look every day of exactly what these teachers go through. It’s not always easy folks!

I am the mother of four. I have two sons who at their core, are good people. They will also send me to an early grave. I am also the mother of two incredible daughters. They are beautiful, inside and out. If you catch them on a bad day, they are not so beautiful. My 9 year daughter, Sofia, is my minnie me. Shy, sensitive, emotional and loves food. My 11 year daughter,Gracie, is feisty, set in her ways and was diagnosed with autism at the age of 9.

As a parent, especially the parent of a daughter with autism, a daughter who is not very vocal, and rather be by herself than be with anyone else, I pray for that “breakthrough” moment. I long to see the day when someone other than her siblings can just hit that spark and bring “something” out of her. I know it’s there. I also know it will take that special person who sees her as a little girl and not a little girl with autism to bring it out. Autism does not define her.

It brings me happiness to tell you such a thing happened last week….yet not in the way one would expect.

Allow me to set the scene. My daughters and I were at the school, Sofia’s school. It was the end of the day. As the school bell rang and classroom kids say goodbye to their teachers, and head home to their families, my daughters and I were in Mr. Stewart’s classroom.

Mr Stewart taught Sofia in the third grade. He is an amazing  teacher who I fought hard for Sofia to have. His big personality is exactly what Sofia needed to help her break out of her shell. I volunteer in his classroom quite often, as Sofia has forbidden me to come anywhere near her class.

My girls and I are cleaning up the classroom, my perfectly imperfect dainty daughters who are total “girly girls” were all of a sudden intrigued when Mr Stewart asked them “Hey…do you guys know “Pull My Finger?”

Surely my girls would not be interested in THAT. No No No!

“What’s Pull My Finger?” they asked in unison. As I am standing there mortified in the corner, Mr. Stewart graciously gave them a clean version of what “Pull My Finger” is all about.

You would have thought he gave them the secret to Elsa’s magical Frozen attempts. Both of my girls, hysterical laughter. They wanted to know more, and even though it sounds like nothing, it was everything where Gracie is concerned. This was something she was interested in, this provoked an emotion. Other than her not talking, this, for whatever reason, put a smile on her face and laughter in her voice……..but still.

“Noooooo! What are you teaching them?!?!?”

“What any good Uncle should teach them!!!!”

This was now my cue to gather my belongings and my children out of there, in hopes that they would not pursue the “Pull My Finger” bit.

As we made the long walk down the hill to the street side parking, my darling daughters kept telling each other “Pull my finger.” After the tenth attempt Sofia exclaimed “It does not work Mom, nothing is happening!”

I asked myself “How much vodka do I have at the house?”

Gracie, as confident as can be, told Sofia “It only works on adults, duh!”

“Oh, we can try it on Dad!”

This was the part where I knew in the seven minute drive home, I needed to deflect. I mean I can see it now, Joe, my husband, asking the girls “How was school?” and they respond with “Pull my finger Dad!”

I thought I did a good job of deflecting. Asking both of the girls if they ate their lunch, if they have homework. Not so much. As soon as we pulled into our parking space, Sofia, as innocent as can be “Mr Stewart is such a good teacher, I cannot wait to tell Dad what I learned.”

And that was it.

Gracie and Sofia =1
Jen = 0

The girls about killed each other getting out of the car, seeing which one could get to Dad first. I, well, I stalled. There was a neighborhood cat outside that I may have spent a little too much time talking to.

As I make my way into the apartment, the girls are surrounding Joe. “Pull my finger Dad, pull my finger, Mr Stewart taught us this really cool trick but it only works on adults.”

The best part of all of this, is Joe is standing there, Gracie and Sofia on each side, both offering him their finger, and he is giving me “The Look.” We all know the one. Joe did not quite know exactly what he was supposed to say or do…….so he looks at me, he looks at me for “The Look.” The look that will either tell him to change the subject, or the look that will tell him “Yeah, there is no getting out of this one, just go with it.” I chose the latter, and because Joe is such a good Dad, he allowed the girls to “teach” him the Pull My Finger, bit.

Gracie and Sofia are loving it. They truly believe they are teaching their Dad something new. They are laughing so hard they are close to tears, which of course put a smile not only on my face but Joe’s as well.

You see, we do not have these moments often. To see Gracie, laughing, and happy, and feeling as if she learned the big secret of the universe, well, it was a special moment. She is typically so closed up. I know her mind is working but there is a disconnect. She will never let us in on what she is thinking……except in this moment, she knew it all. She had the world on her shoulders and she was loving it.

Joe and I finally had to tell the girls to “go practice Pull My Finger in your room, I bet it will work!”

And as they raced each other to their room, not wanting to turn on their t.v, not wanting to do homework, not shutting anyone out, all we could hear is laughter. Sweet, innocent childhood laughter.

Joe looks at me, I look at him, and he asked me what that was about. I told him the story, of how we were in Mr. Stewart’s class, and how Mr Stewarts does what he does best and made a connection with our girls.

And you know what happened after, that? Joe said to me “This is the first time Gracie has come to me on her own, she talked, she laughed, I knew she was happy.”

We had our breakthrough.

I see it now.
It took some time, some confusion.
Slowly, it all came together
I fill a void.

One of many you have you have designated to unsuspecting people.
Each one of us is there to fill something.
If you could have us all in one person, you probably would.
However, we all know that is not how this works.

The one with the stimulating conversation,
The one who is like you
The one who is not

The fun one
The pretty one
The “I feel sorry for you” one

I see them all because my blinders are off.
I see them better from a distance
And behind the last, there is me.

The unsafe one.
The one who makes you think
The one who may make you question everything you have already known

How far can the boundaries be pushed?
How safe can it be before it is not safe anymore?
Sometimes, you do not want to care about safety.

Sometimes, I feel the same.

I can see my role
Because we are one in the same
and I have already given you a role too.

Jennifer

If I had an eraser I would erase just you.
Your mark made impression in my lines that I want to undo
Maybe I could hit backspace a time or maybe two
Whiteout could be the ultimate trick
To wipe you out completely, flick by flick
Like you never existed on the pages in my book
I wouldn’t have to think about the time you took
Selfish and greedy, deceitful and needy
You would be the one thing I wish I could forget
I would go back to the day when our eyes first met
I would erase that too
There is no doubt, If I had an eraser, I would erase just you.

Christin.

Jen & Christin’s Top Ten ~ What we wish (some) guys would understand.

Jennifer

1. If a woman is with you, whether as a wife, a girlfriend, or you and she share a friendship, she is with you because she wants to be with you. She has found something in you that she enjoys. Do not overthink it, do not question it, just go with it.

Christin– Oh, this is a good one! I think in a marriage or relationship, a friendship is a key factor in how you relate to one another.

2. Women need more daily communication than men do. When a man wakes up, he may shoot his girl a “good morning” text, and continue on his day. He is caught up with work, family, whatever the case may be. MEANWHILE, the woman is spending her day checking her phone, seeing if she missed any texts, and has already convinced herself that a breakup is coming. Now of course not ALL women are like this, a majority are. If a man can maybe find twenty seconds in the afternoon to shoot his girl a “thinking about you” text, then that goes a long way….and odds are, she will show you her appreciation in any number of ways.

Christin– I have something more to add to this. If she texts you, text her back within a reasonable time. No, a week later isn’t reasonable.

Jennifer~ It’s like that one movie I made you watch many years ago. “He’s Just Not That Into You.” A must see for anyone out there dating.

3. We all know about the “three-day rule” and we all think that is a stupid rule. If a first date has been had, and you kinda wanna see where this may go, text her. Do not make her wait the three days… because, even though we know about the “three day rule” you run a very high chance of not hearing back from us.

Christin– You already know my thoughts on this. 3 day rule= a damn fool

4. Physical affection is great if done correctly. Grabbing body parts in public are a turn off, putting your hand on the small of our back, is a turn on.

Christin– Agreed. This is better saved for another, more private time.

5. Do not allow you ego to get in the way if we offer to pay. If we offer, take us up on it. Odds are it is more about us than it is about you, we just want to feel like it is equal, care about us enough to allow us to do that.

Christin– I like this one. I think us women like to pay sometimes. However, women if you find yourself paying EVERYTIME, you got a scrub on your hands and if that’s the case you need to be like TLC and make sure he doesn’t get no love from you.

Christin

1. NO DICK PICS! Most women don’t want to open up their email or text to see a picture of your “man parts”. Not only is it disgusting but it also is a disdainful show of disrespect. This vulgar display doesn’t make women want to jump into bed with you, it makes them want to jump out of their bed and wash their eyes out with soap. Just don’t do it,men.

Jennifer~ Ewww. D-pics are gross. I am not speaking from experience. I have never had one sent to me, and for that I am grateful. If you want to send us a pic, send us a pic of your cat or dog….we will be puddy in your hands.

2. Listen!! When a women wants to tell you a story or about their day, listen to them. Don’t pretend to listen because we know when you are, but really listen to what they say, how they feel and maybe, just maybe, muster up a response of some sort. If you can’t find a response at least nod and make eye contact. It’s simple guys, we don’t ask for much.

Jennifer~ And…if I may add……if you feel the need to yawn because you had “a hard day at work” be a little discreet about it!

3. It’s the small things that matter. Women don’t want diamonds everyday (ok, maybe we do) but the small things like a handwritten sentiment or a card from the dollar store goes a long ways in connecting with a women. Other small things that mean a lot are putting away the dishes, putting the toilet seat down after you use it and of course, instead of placing YOUR clothes next to the empty hamper, you actually place them INSIDE. Thanks guys!

Jennifer~ Picking the kids up from school, taking them to school, cooking dinner, putting gas in your car, getting an early start on laundry, letting her sleep in, and most importantly….chocolate.

4. PSA: The 3 day rule no longer applies! That’s right men, you no longer have to wait 3 days to text a lady back after a first of second date. You can do it an hour after the date, the next day or even right after the date. Let her know you had a great time and would like to take her out again without making the poor women incessantly check her Facebook, text, Instagram, email, Pinterest or phone. There is no need to play it “cool” or hard to get, because let’s face it, if you don’t call her, someone else will.

Jennifer~ Yep! I guarantee while you are trying to play it cool NOT calling her, your girl is venting to someone else about “why is he not calling me” then before you know it, homeboy took your girl, want to know why….because he called her!

5. If you are married, going through a divorce or “separated”, please don’t waste our time. There are too many uncertainties when dating a man who is “waiting for his divorce to be finalized”. This could be code for “my marriage sucks and I need an ego boost” or I just want to see if I still “have it.” Don’t ask us out, don’t befriend us, JUST DON’T. It will get complicated and chances are when you go back to your wife and your divorce doesn’t go through, we will be the one in therapy, not you.

Jennifer~ The only time any of the above would be okay would be if the girl is in the SAME EXACT SITUATION. Then you two fools need to work that one out on your own.

Four days into 2017 and I am finally getting around to posting the first blog post of the new year. Between Christmas break, getting my kids back on somewhat of a schedule, trying to buy a house, and just life in general, I feel I need at least three more hours to my days.

There is a woman I know. A beautiful, strong, brave, courageous woman.  She is a few years younger than I am. She has three beautiful daughters. The youngest daughter is in first grade and the oldest is a third grader. This woman has an equally strong, brave, courageous husband who is a very proud father to these three beautiful girls. These are good people, one of the very few I enjoy being around.

Hospice is coming into the picture. This beautiful strong courageous family have been fighting the fight of their life, and sadly, it looks like this particular battler is over. It’s horrible, and if I allow myself to think about it too long, then I break down. None of this is fair and I just do not understand it. What do you say? What is there even to say?

So I blog…or try to anyway. I try to make sense of it all. I try to understand the ridiculous that I see on pretty much a daily basis, and then I look at the real world around me. It’s pretty messed up. I feel for this family. I have absolutely no understanding of what they are going through, yet I have seen the physical effects of cancer take over a person. I have seen this woman’s heart-break, while simultaneously seeing her have the strength of 1,00o men.

The pictures. The pictures were perfect. There was a photoshoot. A perfect, beautiful photoshoot in a not so perfect situation. A keepsake, for the girls I can imagine. The pictures will be their most treasured possession. As beautiful as the pictures are to look at, it was also heartbreaking. I want to know why this is happening? I want answers. I want the family, along with many others out there, to be wrapped up in never-ending love and support, enough so that the power of it all is enough to tell the cancer to go Fuck Off, and the cancer listens.

Not too long ago on Facebook my dad made a comment on a news story that somehow showed up on my feed. I do not remember the exact details of the story, but my dad’s comment was one that will remain with me  always. He said “When he closes his eyes for last time here, he will open them in the arms of Jesus.”

I have to take comfort in that, but more importantly,my hope is that this family takes comfort in that too.

I will wake up tomorrow, not having enough sleep. Safe to say that one of my three kids will be late to school, and my “To Do” list will barely be touched on, and at the end of the day, I will tell myself “That’s okay, so many people out there have it worse than I do.”

Which ironically, has been this families mantra through their fight of a lifetime.

~Jennifer

On this Christmas Eve of 2016

I sit and  reflect of what the past year has seen

Many highs and lows all along the way

Yet we managed to make it through the endless days

It’s not always easy, we were not promised that

But we are never alone, that is the only fact.

My oldest son AJ had to move back home

Due to his psycho ex’s true colors really being shown

He had a setback , but is now where he should be

Living with his parents, keeping me company.

I love having my kids all under one roof

Even though at times we have to  all call a truce.

Then there is Vinnie who can be a challenge at times,

He does nothing for free, always trying to make a dime.

Football is his passion, what matters most to him

even on the days when his grades are a bit grim.

A good head on his shoulders he will go places in life

I just need to get through these teen years without pulling  a knife.

Gracie is headstrong with a strong bit of sass

If you cross her on the wrong day she may just kick your ass.

She loves her minecraft, and drawing as well

If you interupt her alone time, she will tell you to go to hell

She overcame her struggles with minimal fight

To know her is to love her, she makes everything seem right.

Sofia, my minnie me, so full of compassion

has many times left me asking her “How exactly did this happen?”

She loves her cats and loves her food

Nothing like McDonalds to put her in a good mood.

The emotional one, who always tries

I am telling you this kid, she has nine lives

Then we have Joe who is  “living the dream”

Puts in his hours, coming  home to a queen.

He never asks for much, is content as can be

as long as you don’t walk in front of his  precious tv

Our first goal for the new year in 2017

is to buy a house and a dog, and everything in between.

I am still the same, still chugging along

some days you will find me singing my song

to the tune of some cats, and the GIANTS too

Here’s hoping for a playoff spot, what more can we do?!

Writing is where my passion always lays

it is where you will find me on the not so good days.

If you are bored and find yourself wanting to do some stalking,

Come on over and find me at Vodka Calling.

To all who is reading this, here is my wish for you

Health and happiness, to last the year through.

I thank you for being a part of my life

Whether in person or facebook, it is all quite nice.

So gather your loved ones, and hug them tight

Merry Christmas to all

and to all a good night.

~Jennifer

2016 was a good year for us.

The only downfall was the loss of our cat, Princess.

She was with us for all of ten years,

the day she left us we were all in tears.

Thank God the good parts outweighed the bad,

a lot of laughs and fun we had.

We took a few trips here and there,

on our camping trip I think I even heard a bear!

Kaidon decided to try a new sport,

he traded in running down the football field to bouncing the ball down the court.

Overtime he got better and better,

if he continues to improve he will surely get a letter.

Although his sports changed, his quirky sense of humor stayed the same.

He enjoys playing tricks on me and his sister, she’s always running after him and yelling his name!

His report card is all A’s and B’s,

his teacher even tells me “what good work she sees”.

On his off-time you can find him in front of his video game,

I try to play a game with him every now and then, only for him to tell me “Mom, you’re so lame!”

Kharizma has continued her love of volleyball this year,

I enjoy sitting on the hard bleachers and making sure she hears me cheer.

Make-up has become one of her main passions,

she even has become very “knowledgeable” about the latest fashions.

She spends her free-time with her friends

and they enjoy hanging out chatting about the latest trends.

She is now about 3 inches taller than me,

which comes in handy when we have to put the star on top of the tree.

She enjoys debating with Jason and me, she even went on a rampage when Trump got elected…all I heard was “I’m moving out of the country!”

As for Jason, work keeps him really busy.

From what he tells me, being an engineer sounds like it could make me mathematically dizzy.

Numbers and equations is what he does all day,

no wonder he acts like his brain is a fray.

He tries his hand at poker every now then, let’s just say the aces don’t usually end up in his hand.

He coaches the kids’ sports every once in a while,

until he broke his hand trying to run a mile.

I try to tell him “your army days are done”

but he doesn’t listen and insists on trying to do everything he did when he was 21.

I had many exciting things happen for me in 2016.

My good friend Jen and I started writing a blog together called “Vodkacalling”.

On the phone, you can find Jen and me late into the night,

trying to make sure our blogs are “just right”.

Our crazy ideas add up one by one,

but some day we know our book will make it to New York Best Seller #1.

I spend my days in college classes,

where I learn Math and English with the younger masses.

I sometimes look around at the kids who are 20 and 21,

I remember that age, even it was back in 2001.

My kids keep me busy and completely drained,

the closer they get to teenagers I fear I will be declared legally insane.

My cat Daisy keeps me company when everyone is out,

believe it or not, when she hears me open a tuna can she begins to shout!

Before I forget, I have to mention my Seattle Seahawks team,

this year I just know we will be wearing that SUPERBOWL RING!

2016 was good year for us and I hope it was for you too!

2017 will be even better … don’t forget to celebrate the NEW YEAR with a glass of coke and maybe splash of vodka too!

~Christin