The one where I almost killed an elderly gentleman.

I am sitting here in the dead of winter, wearing shorts and a tank top, while having my big plush winter white robe within arms reach. I am both cold and hot,undecided if I need more layers or less.  My nose is runny, there is a slight tickle in my throat. According to the thermometer I have fever of 101. But I am not sick. I never get sick. Perhaps “this” is more of an allergy. Yes, that’s it. An allergy of something new. It will only be a matter of time before I find the cause of my allergy that is accompanied by a fever.

Typically, I have a kick ass immune system. Really, I do. I mean sure, I will call the kids in to school every now and then. I may even take a day off myself….but it is not because we are sick. And, if I were on the off-chance to admit I was sick, well then that would ruin my perfect record of never getting sick,so therefore I am not sick.

However, funny thing is, Sofia seems to have the same “allergies” I do.

I have had this “allergy” of sorts for about 24 hours. Earlier today, it was bad, and, going completely on “Jen Logic” I decided the only rational thing to do was to go to the store and pick up some odds and ends that my household needed. I figured the nice cool air would somehow open up my airways, while clearing up my “allergies.”

They were kicking my ass. The last thing I wanted to do was go to the store, but I had to. There is a method to my madness. I am about to paint a not so pretty picture for you. I had no makeup on. None. Under normal circumstances, I would never leave the house without makeup….or a bra. However, today, the main goal was to just get me up and moving, being somewhat productive. I threw on the first pair of jeans I could find that was not covered in cat hair. I grabbed the biggest sweatshirt I had to make sure it was not obvious that I decided to go braless. I then through on my petticoat jacket, just for extra measure. My body could not decide if I was too hot or too cold, none if it mattered to me. I had to be productive.

I get to the store and completely forgot it would be a madhouse due to last-minute Superbowl shopping. Great. This means I will run into someone I know.

While trying to grab a cart that refused to come out of its stall, I turn around and see an elderly gentleman riding one of the scooter things looking at me with a big goofy smile across his face. This is something I really do not need right now.

“Congratulations on your pregnancy!”

I look behind me to see who it is he is talking to.

There is no one behind me.

I look back at him, and with the voice of Satan I exclaimed “What did you just say to me?” Every other shopper who had the unfortunate luck of being in that foyer made a mad dash to the closest exit.

The elderly gentleman then looks at me as if I just made a joke or something. I do not even know this guy and here he is congratulating me on a non-existent pregnancy. What in the hell?!?!

I slammed the cart back into the stall, made my way over to this gentleman who thinks he belongs at the local comedy club.

“Let me give you a little piece of advice. Under no circumstances ever, unless you see a baby popping out with your own two eyes, you are to never congratulate a woman on being pregnant when you have no idea if she is pregnant or not!”

One would think that would have gotten the point across, right? One may even feel sorry for this elderly gentleman who encountered me on a not so good day. Just wait, because in about three seconds, you will be back on my side.

“I am sorry, you’re not pregnant, you just have a little weight to lose…….like I do!”

and the kicker, he said this while laughing! Am I being punked? Are there hidden cameras that will pop out anytime now?

I gave him the infamous “Jen Look” and proceeded inside the store with no cart and no self-esteem.

Perhaps it was the baggy clothes that made him think I was pregnant? Perhaps he had cataracts? I have no idea……..but what I do know, is after about fifteen minutes of research, I found out that in the US, a tummy tuck cost $5,463.00

Perhaps I do not really need a house after all.

 

~Jennifer

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