Blah.

I still have not heard from my son. Not that I expected to. I know he needs his time, so I am going to try as hard as I can to respect his wishes.

As I mentioned before, my family and my ex’s family are so closely intertwined. A few of my family members have said to me, and rightly so “I do not want to get in the middle. I do not want to pick sides” Absolutely! I would not want it any other way.

The thing is at this stage of my life, I do not need anyone to be on my side when it comes to my child. Know what I mean? This is my child, my firstborn. In many ways, he and I grew up together. I do not need nor want my family to feel they have to pick sides.  I was the one who raised him, I was the one who experienced all of his “firsts” with him. I know his favorite bands, I know the size of his pants, I know his taste in girls. 19 years. So, in my mind, there is no side other than mine.

I was pretty hard on myself today. I can see this becoming a daily thing, but it’s good. I will be okay. I have been looking back on the last 19 years and questioning everything I have done. I could have done more, I should have been better. I worked too much, I did not work enough. I don’t know. You guys know how it is, especially if you are a parent. Right or wrong I think it is human nature to look back and have guilt and many unanswered questions.

At the end of the day, if he chooses to never talk to me again, as long as he is alive and happy. That is all I want for him. That is all that matters.

Again, thank you guys for listening and offering advice. I know we are all going through our own demons. My story is not the only one out there, so for you to take the time out and let me vent, thank you.

~Jennifer

 

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