No matter the outcome, it will be my fault.

August 6, 2015August 6, 2015 ~ Vodka Calling ~ 9 Comments

My 14-year-old son is driving me crazy. Completely out of my mind pour me a drink even though it is only 5 o’clock crazy!

He made, what I consider to be an impulsive decision, and he pretty much refuses to listen to my line if reasoning. I am very torn on how to handle this.

I can either trust him, give him his wings, and trust that he knows what he is doing.

Or…..and my personal favorite,

I can explain to him that he needs to trust me on this one, even though he thinks I am old and have no clue to what I am talking about.

My son is getting ready to enter his freshman year of high school. He does not want to go to his “home” school. That would be too easy.

He wants to go to another school across town that has the better football team. Yes, a better football team.

I mean is this a thing now, or just with my kid?

My husband and I discussed this for hours on end and came to the conclusion that if this is what he really wants to do, we will make it happen. By “make it happen” I mean take him to and from school.

I will spare you all the gory details but basically what we are looking at, is either my husband or I will have to drive our son to and from school. A school that is under construction. A school that will not be finished being under construction until the year after my son graduates.

Basically he will be spending his entire high school career in a portable.

But hey, this school has a great football team.

His “home school” is within walking distance from our house, but apparently, in my sons words “has a crappy football team.”

Fine. Okay, his passion is football, we will make it happen.

HOWEVER…..a few things to consider.

In either school, he has to try out. He will either make the team or not.
What if he tries out at the school that has the better team and does not make it, because, you know, they are a better team and have really good players?
But….what if he tries out at the school that has a “crappy” team and totally shines because he is a good player. At least a better player than may be currently on the team.

As a mother, I just do not feel he is thinking this all the way through. I do feel he is being impulsive. I feel he is looking at the destination, and not the journey.

And, to be selfish, I am cringing at the fact how much gas it is going to take me to get him to his new school and back every-single-day.

More importantly, I do not want him to regret his decision. Even though I know regrets are a part of life.

I just hope what I think is an impulsive decision wont come back to bite him.

But…who am I kidding, either way I will somehow get blamed.

This post was inspired by Mamma Kat’s Writing Prompts…go check her out.

http://www.mamakatslosinit.com/2015/08/writing-prompts-for-08-06/

It’s not good-bye, It’s See you later!

July 29, 2015July 29, 2015 ~ Vodka Calling ~ 3 Comments

This blog post is more for me than anyone else.

I want to document tonight. It is important to me. Sometimes I like to look ahead into the future. Not always concentrating on the here and now. That can either be a character trait or a character flaw. The jury is still out on that one. For now, we will call it a character trait.

My brother left for his four month deployment tonight. As I am writing this, he is on his 14 hour flight to a location that for obvious reasons I cannot disclose.

Because of the time difference between him and I, I was lucky enough to be able to text with him up until the plane took off. Talk about an emotional roller coaster.

The good news. He will not be strapped to a wall for 14 hours like he originally thought (military aircraft.) The picture he sent me of the plane….pretty fancy! Lots of room. I would say more room than on the commercial first class flights. He has an aisle seat. We all know aisle seats are the best. Also, there are a few attractive people on the flight that caught his eye. Hopefully he is sitting next to one.

The bad news. There happens to be a few babies on the flight. Babies who are already crying before the plane takes off.

This makes me laugh. I needed to laugh. The last text he sent me as he was boarding was “I love you so much, talk to you soon.”

Oh no. No no no. I could not have our last text message for four months be an “I love you text.” I know I am crazy, but I needed him to say something funny. I needed to laugh and not cry.

This is where the babies come in. Thank you babies for bringing a little bit of laughter into my emotional night…..and it’s okay if you need to cry for a bit. We understand, you’re a baby! Hopefully, when I am able to talk to my brother again, one of his stories will involve “crying babies @#*$(%& on my flight!”

I need that. I need to laugh and not be sad.

I know there are a lot of military families out there who probably want to punch me in the face right now. “Really, you’re sad about a four month deployment, talk to me when your husband is gone for two years at a time.”

I get it, I really do. You military spouses do it all. You are are my hero, because I already know I would not be able to do it.

This is new ground for me. This is my baby brother. The little boy who used to come hang out in my room while we would listen to Bryan Adams’ “Everything I do, I do it for you” is now on his way to the middle of the ocean. I need help on how to get through this.

I am so proud of him.

I am also worried for him. That’s more on me and my overly protective issues. He totally has this. This is what he wanted and he made it happen. I am also kind of jealous of him. It has taken me, what, four years to write a book, and this guy decided he wanted to join the Navy and made it happen in like a three month time period. Time for me to step up my game!

Recently, I have been a little bit sad because him and I have not had one on one time together. I cannot remember the last time him and I had a drink together, had a meal together, sat down and ate junk food while gossiping together. It has been a long time.

He called me today. As he was doing his last minute packing, getting ready for his flight tonight, he called me. It was perfect. Although we were not face to face having our drink, it felt we were. He made me laugh. He made me laugh so hard. No one can tell a story like he can. In his next life, he needs to be a comic.

So yes, I am sad. I am going to worry, I will most likely stress myself out when he does not answer an email in what I deem a timely fashion, but I am so freakin’ proud. And…once I get over my own demons, I know my brother totally has this.

Anyone would be honored to know my brother. I am not just saying this because he is my brother (honestly, I am not.) He is the least judgmental person I know. He is fair, he is loyal, he will tell it like it is without making you feel stupid. He is going places. Literally and figuratively.

In four months from now, when his ship comes home, I want to be able to look back on this blog and remember how I felt. I want to be able to look back and say..

“Well, that went fast!”

“Soooo, tell me your funny ship stories.”

“So, when do you get leave?”

“So, remember, Seattle 2016, be here or be square.”

I cannot wait to be able to nag him on the phone.

I already miss him. Right about now he is probably over some ocean with screaming babies who are messing up his game.

Anthony, I know you will not read this anytime soon, but when you do, please know that I could not have asked God for a better brother if I tried. You are truly one of a kind.

You do what you gotta do, and in four months, we will be here waiting to hear it all.

I love you always, kick ass.

Last?

July 22, 2015July 23, 2015 ~ Vodka Calling ~ 6 Comments

A few weeks ago, my sister and I were able to fly to Texas to surprise my brother who is on his two week leave from the Navy. We were able to pull the surprise off without any problems, which is pretty shocking.

My family and I had a wonderful visit. Spending time together, talking about the past and what may or may not happen in the future.

Saying good-bye was tough. After his leave is over, he will start his deployment. Communication will be minimal. Our family is so close, the reality of not talking to one of us for months at a time is just something we are not used to.

Yet, it comes with Navy Life.

Two nights ago, as my brother was packing up the last of his belongings, getting ready to start this new chapter of his life, my father posted this picture.

I lost it. This is it. He is really leaving. We have no idea when we will see him again. We do not even have an idea on when we will be able to talk to him again.

It’s hard.

I keep asking myself. “Was this the last visit?” “Was this the last time we are able to just sit and talk?” “Was this the last time we would share a meal together?”

Lots of “Lasts” running threw my mind.

And, as if I was not already an emotional mess, yesterday, this beautiful, powerful picture of my father saying good bye to my brother at the airport showed up on my Facebook timeline.

Good byes are hard.

Saying good bye to a love one is harder.

Saying good bye to a love one who is starting their naval career is the hardest thing.

There’s just too many “lasts” without knowing what the future holds.

This is a writing prompt from Mama’s Losin’ It please go http://www.mamakatslosinit.com/2015/07/boyz-ii-men-serenaded-me/ to check out her weekly writing prompts.

10 Days into Summer Vacation…..

June 27, 2015 ~ Vodka Calling ~ 2 Comments

Summer Vacation is not for sissies. Mainly those of us who are stay at home moms. For the record, I have been both a stay at home mom, and a working mom. Both are hard. However, it is my opinion, especially that I am in my own 10 days of Summer Vacation, that being a stay at home mom while the children are on summer break is one of the hardest job there is. A job I may add that I do not get paid for…..hugs and kisses do not count. Anyone who says hugs and kisses are payment enough, need to spend a day with my kids.

I do love being able to sleep in. That is a nice change that lasted about two days. Can anyone explain to me why my children feel the need to wake up earlier than they would if they were going to school? It has to be some kind of conspiracy. (At my expense.)

Also, they are constantly hungry. Every time there is “down” time I hear the glorious words “Mom, I am hungry.” Okay really, you just ate ten minutes ago, you are not hungry.

Oh and the “down time.” Now, for the first few days I kept the kids busy. I was all in my “Yes, I am going to be on of those Pinterest moms and keep my children active and creative. They will not sit in front of the t.v all day long.”

Yeah. Screw that. I was able to last two days until the little monsters wore me out. Last week I was actually excited because I found a new park we could go to. Guess what? I was the only one who liked the park. So, we left. We went to another park. Guess what? They did not like that park. They sat on the bench and would not go play. Do you want to know why? Because they were hungry. Of course.

Then I told myself “Okay Jen, you know what, boredom is good for the kids. They need to learn how to entertain themselves without relying on me.” That lasted about 45 minutes. Granted those 45 were glorious. However it swiftly ended when their form of “entertaining themselves” involved throwing their ball off of our balcony so they could see how far it would go. Do you want to know how far the blasted ball went? All the way to our neighbors car. I know this because of the neighbors car alarm. That was fun to explain.

So then I had one of my not so brilliant ideas. Brownies! Score, right? Brownies are food, we know by now that my children love food. I can also throw a cooking lesson in there. Surely this would keep them busy. Guess what? Brownies only take 10 minutes to make.

I will say tonight was the best night ever. Want to know why? The Disney channel was premiering Teen Beach Movie Two. This is a thing with my kids. They love the first Teen beach Movie, which I have seen more times than Frozen, if you can believe that. All day long all they could talk about was Teen Beach Movie Two. It was a great day. Then, between the hours of 8 and 10, complete silence. other than their burst of laughter from their room as they were watching the movie. That was kinda cute, although it did not last long.

As soon as the movie ended, I am greeted with “Mom, that was the best movie ever, what are we going to do tomorrow?” God help me.

Then, the icing on the cake. My son got attacked by a stray cat. Like seriously attacked. You can see the bite marks on his arm. I am talking puncture wounds. Of course we do not have peroxide. I believe the girl’s used it for some kind of science experiment. My son, being the clever soul he is decided to use mouth wash on his arm “because it has alcohol in it.” Yeah, no it does not. Do you know how I know this? Because it clearly says on the bottle “Alcohol Free.” I did not even have the energy to tell him that he smells like toothpaste for nothing.

Anyone want to take a gander on what my husband suggested he use instead? My vodka!!! Seriously. My husband was washing Vinnies arm in vodka. So, now instead of smelling like toothpaste, he smells like a drunk. Of course.

Oh yes, I forgot to mention. My husband has also been on vacation this week, which is another blog post all in its self.

This is why I drink people, speaking of, I do believe….

Vodka is Calling.

Bravo Zulu

May 17, 2015 ~ Vodka Calling ~ Leave a comment

Yesterday, May 15, 2015 my younger brother graduated from Naval Boot Camp. He is now at his “A School” location and the emotions are overwhelming.

There is a large enough age difference between my brother and I where it is hard for me to draw the line between “Cool Older Sister” and “Neurotic Surrogate Mom.”

The past 8 weeks have been quite the adjustment, to put it mildly.

I went from talking to him numerous times a week, to nothing. Before Boot-Camp, I would call him whenever I needed (which was often.) I was always able to catch him just when he got off work. We would talk on the phone as he was driving home, him hitting up Starbucks or McDonalds. If my own personal household was annoying me (yes dear children of mine, I am talking to you!) I would call him for a quick “break.”

There were many late nights when he would call me, as he was driving home from a late night get together and did not want to fall asleep at the wheel. We would be so engrossed in conversation, he would miss his turn a time or too. I love those days.

As much as I am happy for him, and so very proud, a part of me feels I am in mourning. I wont have those days again will I? He is so busy now with school, those days are gone. Whatever free time he may have will most likely be used to study or sleep. I lost a part of my brother, and in turn, a part of myself.

I want to say it is okay. Because out of all of us siblings, he is the one that truly set out to do what he wanted to do and is succeeding. Many props to him.

But, I lost a part of him.

Look, I know that no matter where he is at, whether it is A School, or a third world country, he will always be my brother, I also know because this is a part of life, that I lost the daily communication. I can no longer call him in the middle of the day asking for advice. I can no longer call him because I have about 15 minutes to kill. I can no longer talk to him when I want to talk to him, when I need to talk to him. I never realized how hard this would be……for me. Which just goes to show exactly how selfish I can be.

I remember when I met him for the first time. He was only days old, I was a clumsy pre teen never holding a baby before. When he was placed in my arms my body clinched up. “What is this thing? I thought it was going to be a girl.” That lasted a whopping three seconds. Then I fell in love. I fell in love with this little baby and I knew right then and there, even as a little girl myself, I knew I would always watch out for him. I would do whatever I could to make sure he was okay. He was my little baby brother.

Halloween. I do not usually dress as a cow girl.

My brother, totally stealing my lollipop.

As I went on in life, had a few kids myself, my brother was there for them.

My brother on the left, with my oldest son. Important to note, my son is now 21 living on his own. Are you kidding me??

Yep. This is just too much for me. Brother on the left, son on the right.

See. I popped out a few more kids. My brother is holding my daughter. The cute little baby you saw in the previous pics, he is standing next to my brother. My youngest son with the curls, he is now 14. Him and my brother have a very strong bond that I am forever thankful for. Cute girl in the wheelchair, she is my niece.

And somewhere along the way, as I was living my life, so was he.

My brother, being sworn in to the United States Navy.

I do not know how to mourn the loss while celebrating his new life.

My family is scattered all across the United States. Distance sucks. For the past four years, we always planned to get together here in Seattle.

As much as I am holding out hope, these visits will not happen again. Because, you know, he will most likely not be here in the states.

Yet, he is doing what he wants to do. How do I come to terms with this? He is living his life, and for now, his life does not include the daily phone calls.

I am in mourning. It will never be the same.

One of my favorite songs ever is by Stevie Nicks “Touched By An Angel” has the most powerful lyrics.

“Everything was the same, Except that everything was different”

That just about sums it up.

Bravo Zulu.

I miss my brother.

I miss not being able to talk to him when I need to.

It’s not about me, it’s about him.

A part of me needs to let go, I just do not think I am strong enough.

Guilty! (but not really, this really was not my fault)

May 14, 2015May 14, 2015 ~ Vodka Calling ~ 7 Comments

I really think I am messing my kids up. To the point where I need to put a pay pal account up for their future therapy.

I am not exactly sure how this happened, but somehow my 10 and 8 year old daughters believe that once you become an adult, you will no longer have to pee or poop.

Yeah. I seriously have no idea where they come up with this.

10 yr old~ Mom, when do you stop using the bathroom?

Me~ Umm, what?

10 year old~ When do you stop going pee and poop?

8 yr old~ When you are a grown up.

Me~ Okay….what?!?!?!

10 yr old~ Okay so what age?

8 yr old~ When you get older, just a little bit older, when you are done being a teenager. That is when you do not pee or poop anymore. Grown up people do not pee or poop. I know this because I am so very smart.

Me~ WHAT??????

10 year old~ Okay good. I can’t wait.

Me~ Can’t wait for what?

10 year old~ Pay attention Mom, I cannot wait to not pee or poop.

8 yr old~ Me too!!!

Me~ Ummm, who told you guys this?

Both girls in unison~ YOU DID MOM, DUH!!!

Me~ What?????!!!!????!!!

10 year old~ When you bought me that gross book about pads and tampons and underwear, and the stupid body changing, you told us no more pee or poop.

Me~ No, no I did not! What? When? What did I say?

10 year old~ You said when we have to use the pad or the other thing we will not have to pee or poop.

Me~ Okay……I think maybe you misunderstood.

I told you I am messing them up! I am not even sure how this happened. I put so much thought and care, and sensitivity into buying the American Girl book that explains the body changing and all that good stuff. I was actually quite proud how I handled the whole puberty thing.

And now? Now it looks like I somehow convinced my daughters that after you are a teenager you no loner have to pee or poop??

So yeah. I will be accepting donations for their much needed therapy that will most likely happen in the very near future.

This was another writing prompt from the infamous Mama Kat

http://www.mamakatslosinit.com/2015/05/writing-prompts-for-05-13/

My brief moment of joy.

April 30, 2015April 30, 2015 ~ Vodka Calling ~ 2 Comments

I was 20 weeks pregnant with my first daughter when we found she had gastroschisis. Basically, her intestines formed outside of her body, upon birth, she would be taken to the NICU for surgery.

That bag thingy, you see there hanging above her, that would be her intestine. Simple gravity gradually eases the intestines back in, then surgery closes the “hole” up.

And that was the easy part.

At 6 months she started therapy. She had tummy issues and completely skipped the crawling stage. Walking and talking came extremely late. She would go on to have occupational therapy, and speech therapy.

Over the years, my husband and I knew “something” was off. Something was just not clicking. I would bring my concerns to her school, to her pediatrician, to anyone who would listen to me.

It seemed odd to me that she lacked emotion, would not make eye contact. She always seemed to be in her own little world and she was content with that.

“Maybe it is a phase, lets check her again in six months.”
“She is progressing slowly, at least it is progress.”
“She will not be like this for the rest of her life.”

Well, Today, even for a brief moment I felt joy. Today, my daughter was officially diagnosed with autism.

Today I have been validated.

http://www.mamakatslosinit.com/2015/04/writing-prompts-for-04-30/

What is an unpleasant experience you had eating?

April 22, 2015April 23, 2015 ~ Vodka Calling ~ 9 Comments

As a recovering bulimic, (all though I prefer to say my bulimia is in remission) one may think that every experience I had eating was an unpleasant one.

Not even close.

Bulimics love to eat. The ritual of a binge/ purge is a reward, a really good high. We love eating. I mean you would have to enjoy eating in order to become a bulimic. What may have started out as an easy way to try to lose weight turned into a ritual of meal planning, binges, closely followed by the purge.

Even going out to eat was magical. I could eat all the good stuff knowing that I would come home and get rid of it all. No one ever suspected a thing if I ordered the biggest hamburger on the menu. All I had to do was throw in a side salad for good measure. I had many many tricks.

However, once I got my bulimia under control, what was once a wonderful magical high, became very unpleasant. We all have our trigger foods. For me, if I have a trigger food, (which is basically all the good stuff) my brain would play tricks on me and tell me “It’s okay, have all you want, you will get rid of it.” Pre-recovery, I was like “Heck Ya!” Post-recovery not so much.

One of the hardest things about recovery is going out to eat on special occasions. The trigger foods are limitless. Every table you see, someone will be eating something that if you are not careful your brain will try to convince you “Go ahead, just this last time.” It really does not work that way. If you are not careful you will go through about 2,000 “last times.” The key is to keep away from the trigger foods, and as you can imagine that is hard to do when you are in recovery. But it can be done.

I remember one time, as a family we decided to visit a nice seafood restaurant for the first time. The menu was complete hell to even read. Everything was triggering me. I was sitting there, silently praying for the strength to order something that would not trigger me. Then, a member in our party says “Hey Jen, did you see the seafood platter, that looks good.” Game over. I knew from that moment on, I was going to order to seafood platter and come home and purge. What should have been a nice evening out with lots of family, turned into me analyzing how much time I had before my food would digest. How am I going to find time to purge when I would not even be returning to my own house for the next three hours. I was pre occupied. I could not focus on anything that was going on around me, well, other than the delicious seafood platter that was large enough to feed two. That I was focused on.

Now a days things are a lot easier than they were in the early days of recovery, but it is still hard. I just know how to be better now. I will take a look at the menu online before we go out. I will go over it with a fine tooth comb and find something that I know I will enjoy without triggering me. It does get easier, but it never quite goes away.

This was a writing prompt from the wonderful Mama Kat. I would encourage any bloggers to check out her weekly writing prompts.

Writer’s Workshop

5 Reasons Why I Will Never Take My Kids To The Grocery Store. (Ever Again.)

April 19, 2015April 19, 2015 ~ Vodka Calling ~ Leave a comment

I had to go to the grocery store today. A practice I usually try to avoid on a Saturday afternoon, while my husband is at work and I am left to my own devices in dealing with the kids. We needed cat litter. There was just no way around it. I had to go. For some unknown reason, my kids love the deli food. I figured that would be how I bribe them. “If you are good, you get to pick out whatever kind of deli food you want.”

Yeah right. That lasted a whopping 45 seconds.

So I give to you 5 Reasons Why I Will Never Take My Kids To The Grocery Store. (Ever Again.)

1. I will spend more money. I will buy them the 4.00 box of cookies (cookies that are not even on my list!) just to keep them occupied while I make my way to the cat litter aisle.

2. I will somehow get injured. I figured my 10 year old could push the cart. It would (hopefully) keep her occupied, make her feel as if she has a very important job to do. This only works if I bypass the toy and candy aisle , while making my way to the kitty litter aisle.. Otherwise she will get distracted and ram the cart into my heel. Having a grocery cart rammed into your heel is right up there in pain wise as stepping on a lego.

3. I will waste a lot of time. What should be a quick 20 minute trip, has turned into an hour and twenty minutes. I mean why must we spend 10 minutes just deciding on a juice?!? I have cat litter that I need to buy!

4. I will get embarrassed. One would think by the ages of my kids, I am passed the stage of “getting embarrassed.” Nope! When my kid decides to do a cartwheel in the frozen food aisle and her shoes come flying off her feet and slams into the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream case, heck yeah I get embarrassed. Plus, I love this particular store. I would also love to not get kicked out of it. Especially before I have a chance to buy my much needed cat litter.

5. I will forget to buy something that is on my list. You know, like the cat litter.

Shattered Dreams

April 16, 2015April 17, 2015 ~ Vodka Calling ~ Leave a comment

I never talk about my age.

Well, I do, but most likely it is me lying about my age. The closest you will ever get to knowing how old I am, will most likely be through this particular blog post. (Or if you catch me while watching The Real Housewives of New York and the vodka has taken over)

I grew up in the age of the Hair Bands. Oh how I loved my Hair Bands. Warrant was my very first concert in Virginia Beach. When my friend Jodi asked me if I wanted to go to the concert I was nervous. I had never been to a concert before, but I loved me some Warrant (She’s My Cherry Pie!) I would play the tape (yes, I said tape, another clue on how old I am) over and over again on my boom box. (Shut up.) When I had asked permission from The Parents to go see Warrant in concert (side note, I knew they would say yes, if memory serves me correctly, they had just returned from The Rolling Stones concert) I was greeted with “Of course you can go, just be prepared, you will either love it or hate it, there is no in between.”

Guess what. I totally loved it.

That summer, seeing Warrant at the Boathouse started a very long list of concerts that would quickly come. Montley Crue, Skid Row, Aerosmith, Deff Leppard, Nelson (you get extra points if you remember Nelson.) I had found my calling. This was all I wanted to do. Go to concerts, all summer long.

Skid Row was my favorite. To the point where one day in The Parents kitchen, while everyone was getting ready for dinner, I excitedly told them how I plan on marrying Sebastian Bach and I wanted to be a groupie. You could hear crickets. I wanted to be a groupie. Little ole virgin me had just announced to The Parents over dinner that my main goal in life was to marry Sebastian Bach, but first I must become a groupie.

I always wondered why they did not support me in this new endeavor of mine.

You may be shocked to hear I have lived a very sheltered life. I was 17 when I had my first boyfriend. I was home schooled. I was the shy girl who had no friends. So of course it made total sense that I should become a groupie, right?

Fast forward two years.

Funny thing. Did you know there is a difference between being a groupie and being a roadie? Well neither did I. Just to be clear, there is a huge difference. Prostitution to be exact. Imagine my surprise when I found out a groupie enjoys the company of men, well, enjoys the company of the band members…..okay, to be clear, a groupie is someone who will sleep with whoever it takes to meet the band members. This totally explains why The Parents were not supportive of me being a groupie, right?!

I do have to wonder why they did not think to correct me. Why no one thought to tell me “Jennifer, perhaps you mean roadie, someone who helps the band set up their equipment, and not a groupie, which is another name for a whore.”

Were they waiting for me to find out on my own? Did they know I would be totally embarrassed telling everyone I came in contact with that I was going to be a groupie for Skid Row? Or……and I had not even thought of this til JUST NOW, maybe they did not know the difference? Okay, I am reaching aren’t I?

Perhaps it was my determination to be a groupie and later, Sebastian Bachs wife, that led The Parents not to clue me in on what a bad bad idea this was. Perhaps The Parents thought this was a “teaching moment” for me, and perhaps they figured if I was that determined to be a groupie and Sebastian Bachs wife, then maybe I first need to learn what exactly a groupie is.

Another funny thing. I ended up getting pregnant just two years later. At the tender age of 19.

Unfortunately, it was not by Sebastian Bach.

And, I never became a groupie….or roadie.

Shattered reams I tell you, shattered dreams.