I have been an official gym member for about 9 days now. I finally bit the bullet and went tonight. For the first time ever. Schedules worked out where I had someone to go with, and because I know myself SO well, I knew if I did not go now, I would continue to find excuses to not go.

I picked up the kids from school. Joe and I made it home at the same time.

Joe ~ How’d it go today?

Me ~ Did you know you can make rice krispie treats in the microwave? Also, I am going to the gym tonight.

Clearly Joe was trying to hold back his laughter. I got all serious, borderline self-righteous.

“Here is the thing. I need to do this to feel better about myself, because lately I am not feeling too good about myself. I know we have a treadmill that is a nice makeshift coat rack, and I know we have access to a free gym at the complex, but I need to go with someone, because if I don’t, I will never go…..and if you have noticed the size of my ass lately, I need to go.”

As always, he was supportive and told me to do what I needed to do.

……

I made it to the gym before Wingman. As I was sitting in the parking lot waiting, I kept noticing all these beautiful people enter the gym. In a moment of weakness I asked myself…

“What the hell are you doing? You do not look like them, why are you here? You are not ready. They will laugh at you. You are a joke. I can’t go in.”

I was thisclose to texting Wingman “Sorry, I cannot do this, don’t be mad.”

Just as I was having those thoughts, Wingman showed up, and I figured I would look like a total wuss if I backed out. (And trust when I say he would not let me live it down.) I had to do this. I had to do it for me.

As Wingman was getting out of his car, I greeted him with “Just so you know, I saw like 15 beautiful people walk inside.”

He rolls his eyes, “C’mon, let’s go.”

……

Wingman ~ Do you have water?

Jen ~ No, do I need it?

Off to a great start!

Wingman shows me how to work the bike. FYI, there was a fan…..on the bike! I was good to go.

So we are biking. He is like on 5 miles, I barely hit one. I am wondering why his numbers are higher than mine, while totally enjoying the fan. Wingman looks around the gym, most likely out of boredom or annoyance, then says to me “I believe you have mistaken beautiful for skinny.”

(Long pause)

I was kinda speechless.

Again, “I believe you have mistaken beautiful for skinny.”

How much truth is in that? I am so guilty of believing those words. Somehow along the way I learned to equate beautiful with being skinny.

He was right, and I hate when he is right because he is ALWAYS right and it kinda sucks.

Wisdom comes with age I suppose.

……

I am so glad I did not allow my insecurities to control me. I got out of the car when everything inside me told me I was not good enough…..and you know what happened? I enjoyed it. I felt like I accomplished something. I felt like I was taking care of myself. The first step is always the hardest, right?

Naturally, I have a long way to go, but I will get there.

Most of the machines I used, I had to put the little pin on the “one” slot.

In time, I will build it up.

In time I will not only build up my strength, but my confidence as well.

Because I took that first step….and I made the time.

……

I came home and I felt good. I felt productive.

I have gained some weight. Ever since Gracie and her medical issues, I have gained weight. I do not know how to cope unless it is with food. Food = comfort. If I am sad, I eat. If I am confused, I eat. If I feel lost and hopeless and do not know how to make my daughter better again, I eat. All these feelings that I have been holding inside, have let their way out in the form of food, and it is now catching up with me. But not anymore, I will take control back.

Gracie ~ Mom, did you finish at the gym?

Me ~ I did…it was fun!

Gracie ~ How come you are not skinny yet?

So, I may not get my control back over night, but give it time. Come see me in 6 months and we will talk.