In the early hours of the morning (4am to be exact) I was startled awake by the sound of Joe yelling.

“Oh fuck this shit! Hell no! This is bullshit!”

Joe turned on what seemed to be every single light in the house. I am trying to figure out if I am dreaming or….or what else could it be?

He is not calming down. I decided there was just no way I can fake being asleep….and to be honest I am now kind of annoyed because I WAS in a good sleep.

“What is going on?!?!”

Joe is looking at me, or shall I say looking through me. He is pretty heated, and I know something is up.

“The fucking cat! The fucking cat jumped off the ledge and took a piss on me!”

This is where we need to contain our laughter.

“What????”

Joe is still all over the place. Yelling, cursing, grabbing blankets off of the bed, grabbing new ones from the linen closet, and I am just sitting there trying to make sense of what is happening.

It is now 8pm and I do not completely understand the happenings of this morning, other than one of my cats jumped down from a ledge and peed on Joe. I brought up the very important fact that at least the cat did not pee on the bed. For some reason Joe was not impressed by that fact.

……

11am. I am now ready for the day! Because I feel pretty bad for finding the whole cat peeing thing funny as hell, I told Joe I would run some errands for him. Because of our recent move, one of these errands Joe wanted me to do had me going in an area I am not too familiar with. That’s okay though. As long as I have very specific directions, I can do it. It will be no surprise to anyone who is reading this, that I did in fact get lost….but it was not my fault.

He had me going somewhere on 356th and Pac. Hwy. That is where the store was supposed to be. Guess what, there is no store over there. Somehow I ended up on 376th and Pac. Hwy, and nothing looked how Joe told me it would look. Just a long stretch of road, and no stop lights. Well now what?

I remained calm, and decided to just backtrack. With the car windows down and one of my favorite songs blaring from the radio (You Shook Me All Night Long) I was kinda having fun. I mean yeah I had no idea where I was going, yet still it was relaxing. I totally rocked this whole being lost thing. Of course I never found the place, but does that really matter?

……

Next up, Wal-Mart! I despise Wal-mart but love the their prices, so I had to find a happy medium. Nothing too exciting happened there. I mean I found two bar stools that I was determined to buy, whether they would fit in my car or not. So that was a success.

In the check-out line, there were these three huge guys in front of me. The only items they were purchasing was beer and condoms. Just a typical Saturday night I am sure. I tried to manuever my way between my cart and the soft drink cooler because I was thirsty. It was a tight fit, because like I said before, these guys were huge. I am sucking in my breath, opening up the cooler and grabbing a drink. I needed five. One of the guys thought it would be a perfect opportunity for him to grab a drink as well……and it was, until I somehow managed to drop all five sodas which in turn made the door close on his arm. Oh well. A gentleman would have held the damn door open himself……but hey, at least he bought condoms.

……

I make it back home. I explain to Joe that he sucks at giving directions, but I did buy him new boxers like he asked, so yay me! We do some cleaning, I do some “cooking” and everyone goes off and does their own thing, which leaves me to jump on Facebook!

So here is the thing. I have a family member who is upset, mad, whatever adjective works best in this scenario at my niece and I. This family member is so miffed at my niece and myself that she refuses to comment or “like” anything my niece and I post. I honestly would have had no idea this was going on, but my family does not know how to keep secrets, so word got back to me.

As I am scrolling through Facebook, I see that this family member gives a clear-cut dig to my niece and myself. Hmmm. Shots fired? I decided to do the right thing and ignore her comment, but felt the need to correct the spelling on her ever so obvious dig.

……

I also decided that it is time for me to write a book. Well, a new book separate from the Vodka Calling book that will never see the light of day. I feel that I have a story to tell, and not many people are privy to this story, and well, what the hell do I have to lose, right? So there’s that.

This is me. Getting ready to write the first words to my new book.
Or…this is me getting ready to jump on Facebook. It can go either way.

Jennifer