A Series of Unfortunate Events

The kids and I spent a nice relaxing day doing nothing. With it being President’s Day, there was no school. That meant we were all left to our devices. No schedule to follow, no place we had to be, no need to get all dressed up and no need to wear a bra. It was perfect….until it wasn’t.

On days when the kids have school, I need a blow horn to get them out of bed. Today, they were up at 5am. I am sure they planned this. I stumbled around, making coffee for myself, and breakfast for the kids. I politely told them “I am just going to lay on the sofa for just a minute.” I was out for about twenty minutes when they woke me up with a life and death emergency. Gracie was breathing too loud and Sofia could not handle it.

I was then able to defuse the situation, “Gracie, do not breath on your sister!” and decided I was going to watch a movie. The only time I get the t.v to myself is when Joe is at work. I was going to take advantage of having the tv for a good few hours before he came home and started watching his conspiracy theory shows. I made myself a nice comfy bed on the sofa, lots of blankets and cats to keep me company. My hot coffee on the end table, while I had bacon cooking on the stove. It was perfect….until it wasn’t.

Another emergency. This time the emergency involved a pillow case that was coming off of a pillow. It was horrible….so say the kids, and I was needed to fix the pillow case asap. I am now wondering why it is the kids do not have school on Presidents Day?

Back to the sofa I go. One of my all time favorite movies awaits. “Goodfellas.” I have seen this movie a million times and pretty much have the entire script memorized. Ray Liota, Robert DeNiro, Lorraine Bracco, Joe Pesci and many others. Who would not want to spend a lazy Monday morning with these guys. It was perfect until it wasn’t.

Enter my 23-year-old who has moved back home. “Mom, you did not wake me up for work! Did you not know I was here?!?”

Well, no. I did not know he was here and I did not know it was my responsibility to wake him up for work. I spent a good ten minutes sitting there listening to him complain that he was now late for work. I pointed out the fact that the sooner he stops complaining and gets ready for work, the less late he will be. Right?? Why must I explain these things?

I now needed something more than even”Goodfellas” could accomplish. I needed a bath. A nice long hot bubble bath where I could relax…and write. Write in peace without worrying about who was breathing on who. Without worrying about who overslept, and without worrying about Vinnie. Wait…..Crap! Where was Vinnie? I cannot take a bath, Vinnie is not even home and AJ is leaving for work. The girls will jump out a window if I leave them alone.

So now I must wait for Joe to come home, take his shower and then I will be able to finally take my bath. I may not have any hot water, but hey, beggars cannot be choosers.

I cooked an amazing roast for dinner, rice and corn as a side. Of course no one ate it. I made the rounds and asked every single person “Do you need the bathroom? I am taking a bath and I will be long. No one can bother me. No one. Unless there is a fire, or blood. Only then can you bother me.”

Of course Joe and the kids look at me as if I am loosing my mind. Sure, I am the crazy one in this scenario. I had the go-ahead. I was able to take my bath in peace. Everything was perfect until it wasn’t.

Funny thing. I have not quite figured out how to write in the bath without the tablet getting wet. Also, having a cat in there with me is not as cute as it sounds. Why is he looking at me like that? And why is he scared of bath water yet sees no problem drinking from the toilet?

Screw it. I’ll just jump on Facebook while in the bath. That will relax me, while killing time. I am scrolling through my feed, reading the usual “I hate Trump” “I love Trump” post. I was able to get a firsthand look on what a handful of friends were having for dinner….and then it happened. Somehow during my scrolling and “liking” of certain post, I accidentally hit the “Live Video” feature on Facebook. Now, keep in mind I have no idea what this “Live Video” feature does, other than posting a “live” video at the moment…..in real time.

Oh holy hell what did I do?! WHAT DID I DO????  No-no-no-no no this cannot be happening to me. I cannot post a “Live Video” of me in the bath with my cat drinking toilet water in the background. Kill me now just kill me now!

Facebook makes it too damn easy to make a complete fool out of yourself. With this “Live Video” feature, there needs to be a second screen that pops up. A screen where you have to answer a series of questions before you are “live.”

  1. Are you appropriately dressed?
  2. Is all laundry and dirty dishes out of video range?
  3. Is there any nudity?
  4. Are you in an embarrassing position?

Depending on how you answer the above questions then you are now ready to go live. If you answered incorrectly to any of the above, your phone is now locked until you fix what needs to be fixed.

Now, being that my account is still active on Facebook and I did not receive any phone calls or text messages that fall under “Jen, what the hell are you doing” I am assuming that I was able to stop this “Live Video” feature in the nick of time. Because between you and me, a Facebook Live Video of yours truly in the bath, is not exactly something that can be unseen.

And I was now officially done.

it was the perfect bath….until it wasn’t.



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