Thursday night. As always, it’s hectic. I am rushing to get everything ready for the following school day.
Everyone is slowly starting to wind down. This is my opportunity to go take a shower in peace, and I desperately need to take a shower in peace, mainly to do some maintenance….if you know what I mean.
About 45 minutes later I come out of the shower, kids are asleep and husband is watching t.v. I grab my drink, my phone, and my notebook and plop down next to him on our sofa.
Husband~ You smell nice
me~ thank you
and then he goes back to watching TV, and I play words with friends on my phone.
About 15 minutes later he reaches over and gently rubs my leg.
Husband~ your skin is so soft
Me~ thank you
and he goes back to watching TV. I make a second drink and continue to play words with friends.
Another 15 minutes passes
husband~ it’s getting late, are you ready for bed?
Now, I am thinking to myself “huh, it’s only 10:30. very rarely do we go to bed at this early, what’s going on???
and then it clicked.
Me~ Oh! I get it, yeah….sorry…….we cannot have sex tonight.
Husband~ but you shaved your legs….and took forever in the shower.
Me~ that was not for sex…..or for you….you know what I mean.
Husband~ actually, I don’t.
Me~ Don’t you remember, I have my pap-smear appointment tomorrow. You know the drill!
Husband~ Oh that…..I’m in the wrong profession
Me~ Well duh!!
And that was that. How funny that he thought he was going to get sex just because I shaved my legs. Please! It is still winter over here.
Now……fast forward to today. My pap smear.
Everything is going good. My good ole Dr, who I have been seeing for 8 years now is super fast. I mean he is in and out of there before you can even blink.
Love this guy. And for what it’s worth, he literally saved my life and Gracie’s life. So I figure the least I can do is shave my legs for the man….right?
After the exam he tells me to get dressed and he will be back in to talk with me. Well what the hell does that mean? He has never needed to talk with me before. I have always had a clean bill of health. Great. Just great. Something is wrong……cancer. It has to be cancer, it has to be cervical cancer because he said my boobs felt fine (well duh!) Now I am going to have to go home and break the news to Joe, I have cervical cancer. I should have had sex with him last night. Agh!!! Why Meeeeeeeee????? Will I need chemo??? I have always wanted to try a hot pink wig, maybe now is my chance….and OMG what I am I doing to myself?
yes folks….this is how my mind works.
So.. here I am sitting in the chair. Biting my nails, shaking my legs, trying to prepare myself for “The Talk”
Finally….he comes in. Okay……I am ready. Whatever it is, I am sure it was caught early enough, I can totally beat this.
DR~ Jennifer, I just have a few questions few you?
Me~ “sigh” okay, shoot……
DR~ How long is your menstrual cycle?
Do you ever experience pain?
Especially during relations?
Do you have regular bowel movements?
Again, I am thinking to myself……this must be worse than I thought. What kind of questions are these? I have a normal menstrual cycle, no pain, what the hell is relations? And,,,girls do not poop!!!!
But somehow, I did not think he would take me seriously. He is old school Korean…..if that matters.
I answer all the questions, and once again prepare myself. The news is coming. Maybe he needs to do further testing. Maybe I need to see a specialist, maybe……
Dr~ Well, Jennifer, I wanted to let you know that in August, I will be retiring. I have enjoyed having you as a patient all these years. You have been a pleasure. I can recommend a new Dr to you if…..
Me~ THANK YOU JESUS!
Dr~ I’m sorry?
Me~ Oh! Well, okay first….I thought you were going to tell me I had cancer or something, but now……really….your retiring???? What am I going to do?!?!?! Why do you have to retire? I mean I know your 70 and your wife probably wants to spend time with you but what about your patients? Do you know how hard it is for me to trust a new Dr…….should I have brought cookies or something? Ugh…this is just too much for me!
And this folks, is a classic example of how I have a tendency to make everything about me!
Who wants to pour me a drink?