A Sons voice on depression…

The following is an entry from my son, in a “stream of consciousness” format. If you have followed the blog, then you know who he is. If you have followed my personal Facebook page, you know it has been a rough few days.

Come to find out, my son enjoys writing. It is his escape, his outlet. We have a lot of work to do. With is permission, he allowed me to post his stream of consciousness thoughts. There are no easy answers now, over time there will be. For now, I am going to give him my little space here on this blog, and write it all out.

~Jennifer

Journey to the End

Day 2 now. Hell of a lot worse then yesterday

Or was it two days ago?? It’s all blur.
The thoughts finally kicked in. Like I knew they would. Check off step one and two. Scratch that step 2is in progress.
My mind is experiencing lots of changes. Emotions too. God I wish they didn’t have to exist. Don’t understand how people will all of a sudden start to worry when they witness something traumatic.
Only spoken bout this for  years now.
Night terror bout a week or two ago same dream that has occurred for the last 8months.
                             Only dream I’ve had.
Everything happens for a reason. And people only stay in you’re life for seasons.  Thought about why this is going on came up with 3 reasons.
                  1.karma 2. Lesson. 3. Punishment.
Been high for the last three weeks. No signs of deterioration of my mind. Really wanna drink though I know what that will do to me.
The visions, movies,voices, sounds. All still in my head. You know the kind where insecurities are in charge.   And constantly beat a excruciating pain full vision that only hurts you.
I’m serious if it wasn’t for a specific someone I be gone. No doubt about that.
I can’t help but to wonder whats waiting at the end of all this. How much of me  will there be left. Will I know who I am? Does anybody know who I am anymore?  I think not.
My body is in pain. From the episodes.
Worried about work. No clue what’s going to happen. If I do get cut. Ill add that to the list.
Day2 I may have learned something about my self. The screams that came out if my mouth were horrifying. I heard pain. Loneliness. And confusion.
                 Day 3. Show me what you got…
              Day 3. I went back to the crime scene not sure why but something in me told me to. Maybe I wanted to relive those moments.
                 That horrible traumatic experience. It was odd almost paranormal. I could almost see the emotions that i left begin to Orbit around that one specific table. I sat on the that table where her and I once made love on not once but a few times.
                     As I walked away 4hours later replaying step by step what happened everything from me calling her out on seeing some one. And ending with me telling her this is good-bye.
At that point she started to cry. A big part of me hopes she will contact me when she has had her fun and ready to settle. Though by then it may have been to late. For her….and my self. thoughts of suicide continue to beat there way in my head getting louder and louder trying to block any other positive thought left in my head. I’m starting to think how I would do it.
      overdose or grab a gun……  Happy 6year anniversary Shaina I still love you.
                          Day. 4……
Just Something Else

 

The future is a tantalizing subject for me.
            I’m not sure what it’s in store for someone like me. And I’m not talking about finding a home being stable with money. It’s a bit deeper than that.
Being a socially awkward person has hit me in a way that I feel I can’t go back and re do. With a severe lack of social skills what does one do to go meet some one new.
That has been a thought of mine for a while now.and while it’s not a huge thought at the moment it will occur as time goes on.  It’s hard not to think about and it’s easy to put aside.
They say everybody has a soul mate. And if I had one wish just one I don’t need the other two. I would ask to know where she is I don’t need a name or a picture I just wanna know someone is out there.
 When shaina kicked me out of the apartment back in July I went sober that weekend. I found my self with a purpose and I was willing to do whatever it takes to keep that close to me. I even started to pray a few times.
First time I prayed I ask for strength to get through the break up and being back at my parents. When I went back to work I was answered. My work gave me weekends off  same days Shaina has off. As time went on I tried going to church with her and really trying to prove that I was different. And honestly I thought I was getting some where.
Fast forward a little bit and. I prayed for the second time. I had asked for the Lord to help Shaina get through what she was going through.
Poor woman couldn’t talk to any of her family cause nobody couldn’t stand the topic of my self be brought up in the house. I saw the pain she had I understand what it’s like to feel that way. So I had asked the Lord to help her by any means necessary. Even if it doesn’t have me in the picture. The very next day not even 24 hours she decided she didn’t want to try anymore. Boy did that hurt.
Before I continue I need to say i had asked her to make me a promise. Nothing crazy and perfectly reasonable. I ask once she moved on to another man to please let me know so I can back off cause I was still trying to prove my self to her. I was ready to have kids the very next day with this women.
So one day we meet at my go to place to get away from everything and just be on my own. I’ve been going to this place for as long as i can remember. I’ve had great times and wonderful laughs. Also I had bad times got in to fights break ups ect…. it’s a very special place to me. The phone call leading up to us meeting there was off. I had the vibe that something was wrong very wrong. On the walk there listening to my music on the highest volume it can possibly fucking go.
I approach the table I saw her at exchange a few words and I called her out. Are you seeing some one. The look she gave me I will never forget so wide eyed I could see it through her sun glasses……..
I’m going to stop right there this was not supposed to turn into what happened with her and i………… to give anyone any closure who actually may stumble on this. I wasn’t the same person after that day. A side of me I never seen before took over. And God it was hell……….
AJ
pizap.com14716509180821

 

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3 thoughts on “A Sons voice on depression…

  1. There is so much I want to say, but worried I’m not going to say the right thing and upset you more or make you more upset or angry. But know this.. I have been in your life from day one and will not go anywhere. You are like my son. That’s the love I have for you. I’m here. Always. I love you my nephew.

  2. Wow…. Wonderfully , hauntingly , beautifully written…
    Terrifying, frightening, depressing, ominous….
    I will worry… I will pray…. I will cry…
    I want to make it all better and know that I can’t….
    You are mine… More importantly , you are Gods’……
    I have no brilliant answers…. All I have is ears to
    Listen….
    And a heart to love.

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