” Anxiety, I will transform you into something useful and productive. I will not bow down to you”
It was a normal morning. Wake up around 7am to get Sean ready and get him on the bus for school. I give him a hug, tell him I love him and I send him off. I always watch him get on the bus then I go back inside to start my day. I go in and as I open the door I hear an ambulance heading the way Sean’s bus was going. This is when my anxiety kicks in, I’m already assuming the worst and my heart drops and I start crying. I try to tell myself I’m being silly. He’s okay. I try to wait awhile but I just can’t. I need to know if he’s okay NOW. I call my mom but I know she’s busy at work and wont answer. Then I call Sean’s school. They probably thought I was crazy as I asked to talk to Sean’s teacher to see if he’s there and if he’s okay. I finally calm down as she tells me he’s perfectly fine and sitting at his desk…This is anxiety.
I have struggled with anxiety for a long time and to make matters worse I also deal with depression. I have been on a lot of meds but I am still trying to find the right one for me. Sadly, I get most of the side effects that come with the meds so its hard for me to take it. I am currently on med #9 to see if it will work. Anxiety has taken over my life. Being worried about every single thing is no fun.. especially when you want to go out and have fun with friends but you’re just too nervous. Going out in public and being around people I think that a shooting will happen. I try to tell myself “It’s just the anxiety” but it always defeats me. Last year I was on the news. I was so nervous and didn’t want to do it but knew I had to. As I watched myself on tv I could tell how scared I looked and was.. I then read the comments and one person said I looked like I was being held hostage. LOL! When I read that I could not stop laughing because its true but it was also sad because someone I don’t even know could tell something was wrong.
Dealing with anxiety and depression at the same time is pure hell. With depression you feel sad, uninterested, tired, don’t care about anything but with anxiety you care about everything, feel nervous all the time, and your heart feels like its going to jump out your chest at any moment. My depression was so bad at one point that I had thoughts of hurting myself. That’s when I knew I had to tell my parents. I had to save myself but I needed their help.
I now see a therapist who I love and she has helped me so much. I still struggle with anxiety and depression but still trying to figure out a good medicine that will help. I want everyone to know that if you struggle with the same thing I understand. It’s very challenging but I promise you that you are not alone!