Christin

October 30, 2002

Today was the big day. The day I would find out if I was going to be having a baby girl or boy. Secretly, I was hoping for a girl. I knew more about girls than boys simply because I was one. But boys—how would I would raise a boy on my own. A son would require something different, something more. I had the advantage of being a bit of a tom-boy my whole life. I would much rather watch a Seahawks game than go shopping, so I had that part covered—but what about the rest? How would I raise a man? But in the end all that really mattered was that the baby was going to be healthy—the rest I would figure out as I went along.

I hadn’t really even began to think of names. I knew whether it was a boy or a girl, I wanted it to be something different. I wanted something different than the traditional names like Emily or David. I went out and bought a book of names of different cultures and origins. There were so many different names! I had to remind myself that this would be a name that one day a 5 year old would be having to learn to write. In other words, it couldn’t be too crazy of a name.

So the day I found out what I was having finally came. As I laid on the table with my belly exposed, there was a part of me that wished I wasn’t alone. I wanted to share this experience with someone. I wanted someone to be just as excited as I was. I wanted someone to hold my hand and tell me it was all going to be okay. The sonographer squirted some of that jelly out on my stomach and placed the ultrasound instrument on my belly. First she was going to take a look at the baby’s spine. Everything looked fine from the angle she saw, but she cautiously advised me that it did not completely rule out spina bifida. She then began looking at the size of the baby. She said the baby was growing well and was at a good, healthy weight. I exhaled in relief. Any sign of a healthy baby, I grabbed a hold of. Good heart rate. I’ll take it. Baby is moving. Another one. No complications. Cross my fingers that it will last. She then asked if I would like to find out the sex of the baby. Of course! Up till now the baby stuff I had bought consisted of greens and yellows. I was excited to start buying a lot of blue or a lot pink. She placed the instrument below my belly button, using a slight amount of pressure. She moved it back and forth until she got the image that she wanted. Ok, Christin…it looks like you are having a GIRL! All at once an emotion that I had never experienced before hit me. I was going to have a daughter. A tear or two slipped out the corner of eyes. A daughter. I was going to have a precious baby girl. Birth defect or not, I was going to be the best mom I could be. No matter what disabilities she could be born with, physical, developmental or both—I was going to be the best mom to her. I would figure it out. At this point, nothing else mattered.

Ben’s absence was still in the back of my mind but I didn’t dwell on it. I didn’t need him and he didn’t deserve me or our daughter. I walked out of that appointment with more purpose than I had ever had. My daughter was depending on me to be strong– I had no other choice. A few days later, I came home from work with a big box on my doorstep. I hadn’t ordered anything. Maybe they dropped it off at the wrong address. I dragged the four foot tall box into the house. It appeared to be addressed to me. I didn’t even look who it was from before I opened the box. Inside was every kind of baby thing you could imagine. Diapers, soaps and shampoos, baby towels and washcloths—so much stuff. There was a letter in there too.

Shorty,

I have been thinking about you and the baby lately. I wanted to send some things to help you get ready for when the baby comes. I hope you know how much I miss you.

Take care.

Love always, Freddie

Jennifer

The summer of 1984 was pretty magical for me. It was then that I had my first crush. “Karate Kid” had made its way to the big screen, and I was instantly in love with him, there would never be any other. Daniel LaRusso – played by the one and only Ralph Macchio. I cannot tell you how many times I have seen this movie. I cannot tell you how many times I have made my children watch this movie-and for the record, the remake is a joke.

In a very memorable scene, Daniel and his love interest Ali, have their first date. Daniel and his mom pull up to Ali’s beautiful house. Daniel makes his way up to her front door, and just as he is about to knock, Ali comes out. There is an awkward exchange between Ali’s parents and Daniel, but no one really cares about that. Daniel and Ali are now off to “Golf N Stuff” for their date, a theme park sort of place. We are then treated to “Feel the Night” by Baxter Robertson while we watch Daniel and Ali enjoy their first date. It was magical, and I knew one day I wanted that. I wanted a Daniel.

October 2002.

I was getting ready for my date with Joe. I mean was it a date? It has to be a date, right, or no? I had no idea what the hell I was getting into. How does one dress when one does not even know if this was a date or not. Alphonso had my boys upstairs in his apartment, movies and pizza in hand. Jessica was off with Sean trying to figure out “where this relationship is going”, so I was left to my own devices, which is always a hit or miss with me. Joe was picking me up around four. He was taking me to The Ram, a lovely restaurant down by the Tacoma waterfront. This is totally a date, and I had never really officially been on a date. OMG!

The way my apartment was set up, there was no parking. Joe had to park his car down in our parking garage and make the walk up three flights of steps. I decided to “play it cool” and go sit on my landing while waiting for Joe. That lasted about three seconds before I needed to talk to someone to calm my nerves. I called my youngest sister, who at the time was going through her own stuff. We talked briefly, and then when I heard Joe coming up the last flight of steps, I quickly got off the phone.

We were both nervous. It was obvious. As we made the “long” walk back down the three flights of steps we did that awkward small talk that I despise. I really had no idea why I was so nervous. I see this guy every day at work, except now, we were not at work. As soon as we got to his car, he opened the door the passenger side for me. Well, that has never happened before, unless you count my father opening the door for me. Joe turns the car on and this song is blasting from the radio. It has a nice beat, and I am grateful for the distraction. Boo-Yaa-Tribe “Ballers Prayer.”

When we get to the restaurant Joe opened the door for me, while gently putting his hand on the small of my back to guide me in. This got to me. Side-note, if there are any single gentlemen out there who are completely bored, and you find yourself  reading this blog, please remember this. When you gently put your hand on the small of the back of your significant other, you get points for that. There is just something about that that makes most women melt. Trust me.

Now it’s time for the actual conversation to begin. He started off by asking me about T. Way to break the ice Joe! It was at this point that I knew I just had to put it all out there. The good, the bad, and the ugly and that is exactly what I did. I put it all out there. Everything. From my first joke of a marriage, to Vinnie’s kidnapping by his sperm donor, to my poor judgement in T, I put it all out there. I did not want any secrets, and I needed him to know what he was getting into by hanging out with someone like me, someone with a checkered past.

The only question he had for me was “Are the fathers of your boys in the picture?”

They were not, and I let him know that, while letting him know I did not need them to be. We had a nice time. Different but nice. On the drive home he told me he would like to see me again if I was okay with that, while letting me know that with him being my boss, he could get in trouble. So basically I had no idea where he was going with this. Is he letting me off the hook nicely, or what?

Joe walked me up to my front door, and shook my hand, while politely saying “I will see you at work tomorrow.” And, that was it. No hug, not trying to go in for a kiss, just a shake of my hand-which left me more confused then ever.

I walked into my apartment and was greeted with a crying Jessica. Apparently her and Sean decided that their relationship was going nowhere and Sean broke up with her. I called Alphonso to let him know I was back, I told him to bring the boys, some ice cream and a bottle of wine. The latter two were for Jessica.

Alphonso ushered my boys in, threw the ice cream and wine at Jessica and asked me “How was your date with your boss?” Because, well, that is Alphonso and he always likes to push my buttons.

I looked at him, wondering if it was a tad too soon, and told him

“I just may have found my Daniel.”

 

Christin

I am biting my nails while I sit in the chair across from her. A bad habit that I have been partaking in since I was about 8 years old. The lady is looking at me and then at her sheet of paper while she scribbles her notes. I want to get this over with as soon as possible. Apparently this is standard procedure when a baby is going to be born with any kind of birth defect or abnormality. The genetic counselor is asking me a million questions.

“How many brothers and sisters do you have?”

“Has anyone in your family been born with spina bifida or any other birth defect?”

“Can you give me your mothers and fathers family history?”

There were so many questions. Some I knew and some I didn’t. And then the question that I knew was going to be asked but was not prepared to answer.

“Can you give me the medical history of the father and the father’s family?”

What was I supposed to say?! In my head, I’m thinking my honest response would be–Umm lady, I only met him a few months ago at a bar and he asked me to dance and then I got pregnant soon after, therefore I know absolutely nothing about his or his family medical history–I couldn’t say that! What kind of person would she think I was? I’ll tell you what—she was going to think that I had no business having a child with no father. She was thinking that I couldn’t be both a mom and a dad to my baby. This is the exact moment that I realized that I was going to have to be both mom and dad. Ben wasn’t coming back. And if by chance he did, he probably wanted nothing to do with me or the baby. A moment of sadness washed over me. Not because Ben wasn’t coming back but because I knew the pain of having an absent father. I knew what it was like to grow up not knowing where the other half of me came from.

8—That’s how many pictures I have of the man known as my biological father.

0- the number of pictures of my father and I. He left when I was a week old.

A million. The times that I have pictured the man who ½ of my DNA came from. I made things up as I went along. Maybe I got my love for playing sports from him. Maybe that’s where I got my peculiar sense of humor. I know I got my height and my face from him because I look nothing like my mom and she is about 5’ tall.

Not having a father changes who you are inside. As a young girl, I never got the chance to be a daddy’s girl. I never got piggy back rides or the chance to ride on my dad’s shoulders. There was never a time where my dad told me I was beautiful or told me that I was good enough. I missed out on Father/Daughter dances and whatever else it is dad’s do with their daughters. I never experienced the protection that dad’s offer their daughters. I will never know the feeling of having my father walk me down the aisle at my wedding. Now, I was faced with my child not having a father. I was determined to not let my child feel the emptiness that I had felt growing up. How was I going to do this?? As my face grew red, I made up some BS answer about the father being deployed and that I didn’t know much family history. It got me out of the hot seat for now but I couldn’t shake the thought of my child not having a father.

I left that office feeling like a failure. I dialed Jen’s number.

“Jen! How did you handle the boys not having a father in their life?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, how did you get over the fact that the boys will not grow up with their father’s in their lives?”

“I never thought about it”, she said matter of factly.

“What do you mean you never thought about?!”

“It never even crossed my, Christin. Now calm down”

Easy for her to say. She never thought about it because she had a great dad. So, maybe this was more about me than my child. I knew the pain and heartache when a parent decides to walk away and never look back. I just couldn’t wrap my head around a person not wanting anything to do with their own flesh and blood. Who does that?! On top of this stressful meeting with the genetic counselor I just had to have another hard conversation the previous day. I had to tell Freddie I was pregnant. It went a little like this.

“Freddie, I have to tell you something”

“What?”

“I’m pregnant”

“Is the father black?”

Not exactly the response I thought I was going to get. He was more concerned about the race of the father? Really? No, the baby’s father isn’t black—he’s white. He sounded disappointed. Not sure if he wanted the father to be black (like him) or if he was disappointed in me and didn’t know what else to say. Either way, the conversation ended on a good note and at least he was still talking to me. The truth was I wanted him to say he would be on the next flight up. I wanted him to say he still loved me. I wanted him to beg me to come back to California. He didn’t. So for now, a friendship would have to be enough.

Pregnant and alone. I didn’t have anyone to make a late night trip to the store when I had crazy cravings. I didn’t have anyone to rub my feet when they hurt after a long day at work. When my lower back was aching there was no one there to give me a massage. So as I sat in the tub that night soaking in Epsom salt to take away the aches and pains, I had never felt more alone than I did now. I was on my own and soon I would be on my own with my baby.

Jennifer
I have always had issues with feeling good enough, feeling worthy enough, and well, just feeling enough. It is important to note that none of my issues stems from my childhood. I had a pretty close to perfect childhood as one could get. You see, I believe I was born with these issues. Sounds crazy, I know, but you guys have read the blog long enough to know that crazy is not too far off from me.

Many times I have felt, and to be honest, still do at certain times, that my siblings are the better version of me. Through the whole “being created” process,  I got too much a dose of  sensitivity, easily prone to weight gain, and the jury is still out on addiction. So, when my siblings were up, going through their “being created” process, someone saw where they went wrong with me, and did everything just about right with them.

No one will see it this way, but perhaps that is part of the problem. More on that later.

I had no boyfriends in school. None. I am sure this was a relief to my parents at the time. The boys that I was interested in, they were interested in my sister. This would set a very long pattern of what is to come. Many, of which you have been reading here on the blog.

When I was 10 years old taking ballet classes, my fellow ballerinas thought I was pregnant, because, well, I was chunky and chunky does not work in a leotard.

Growing up, my sister and I loved watching the show Laverne & Shirley. We especially loved the way both Laverne and Shirley looked in their jeans. Nice flat tummies. As young little girls when my sister and I would play Laverne and Shirley, I was always Shirley, and my sister would be Laverne. My sister and her jeans looked just like Laverne did in her jeans. Me, not so much. Want to know why? Well, because Shirley never had a muffin top, unlike “your’s truly” over here.

It is those little pictures in time from my childhood that in my opinion set the stage for the next few years. I married the first guy that showed any interest in me. I allowed the second guy who showed any interest in me to abuse me. I put my self-worth into the wrong kind of guys, and food, and maybe on occasion alcohol.

So, in October of 2002 when I was at another work function to “bring up team morale” I was blindsided.

Another bowling night. Still not sure why we had to do bowling, but whatever. I got there a little late, because it’s me we are talking about. I made my way to the bar, then I went to find our little group.

Joe, my boss, was the first person I saw. He was standing there, just watching “his team” bowl. I came up next to him with apologies for being late.

“Hey Jen, good to see ya, thanks for coming” and then I noticed him eyeing my cup.

“Don’t worry, it’s only diet coke! I learned from my mistakes.” and just like that, Joe and I fell into a nice conversation while we watched the others “bowl”…..and I use that term loosely.

Every now and then we were interrupted by the other guys who asked us if we wanted to join in. Of course I did not want to join in, it’s bowling, and my nails looked exceptionally well tonight. Joe also declined their offer to join a game. Most likely because based on the previous game from a month ago, Joe is not a good bowler either.

I took a sip of my diet coke and still in the mind frame of trying to keep the conversation going, I looked at Joe and asked him “So, do you have any plans tomorrow?” I figured with it being football season, and tomorrow was Sunday, he had a few games he wanted to watch.

“No, no plans tomorrow. Would you want to hang out and maybe go to lunch?”

Oh for the love of God I cannot handle any more work functions!

“Lunch, tomorrow? More work issues?”

He laughed, a nervous kind of laugh.

“Well, if you do not have any plans, I thought maybe you and I could just do lunch, I can show you the Tacoma waterfront if you have never been.”

And just like that, in a blink of an eye, those little pictures in time made their way to me, and I knew without a doubt, that I would most likely ruin this guys life.

 

Christin

“Christin, didn’t you know he has a girlfriend?!” Jen said while ushering me to a quiet area in the store. “What??” I had no idea. Once again, always the last to know everything. “Yeah his girlfriend works with Jessica (Jen’s current roommate) in stationary” This could go one of two ways. Plan A- Go up to Karl and confront him about his lying and cheating ways or Plan B- Disregard him completely. Pretend that he didn’t exist. I was never one for confrontation so I went with plan B. In addition to not wanting a big blowout or he said/she said nonsense, I really didn’t care enough to do anything.

The news that Karl not only had a girlfriend but said girlfriend worked in the same store as us was unbelievable. I mean it wasn’t like I was in any way invested in him but the fact that he had the audacity to be flirtatious with me while his girlfriend worked in the same damn store – disgusting. That’s the word that comes to mind. I was disgusted by his actions but also with myself because once again I had let someone play me for a fool.

Things changed for me after I found out Karl’s secret. He would still swing by my department a lot but I just wouldn’t engage in the conversation like I used to. He would stop by my apartment and I just wouldn’t answer the door. I thought I made it clear that I didn’t want to be a part of his—I don’t know what it was but I wasn’t going to be in it. Maybe he had a fetish for pregnant women or maybe he did genuinely like me. I was never going to find out because once a cheater, always a cheater… Right? I didn’t have time to deal with Karl’s or anybody else’s lies or manipulation.

A relationship wasn’t in the cards for me. I had bigger, more important things to worry about. Ben was still MIA. My hope of him coming back was slowly beginning to turn to anger. I knew what I had to do but it would have to wait. My emotional health was more important right now—so my plan of revenge would have to be put on the back burner. My pregnancy was good other than the looming possible diagnosis of spina bifida. My weekly ultrasounds showed normal growth with the baby. I now began trading my late nights at work with reading pregnancy books. I especially liked the “What to Expect When You’re Expecting” book by Heidi Murkoff. I must have read this book 5 times—just in case I missed something. I wanted to be prepared. I just wanted to be a good mom.

One evening after a particularly long day at work, I walked in the door of my apartment. I just wanted to sit down. My feet were swollen—My doctor claimed that my addiction to pickle juice and Salt & Vinegar chips were not helping this situation. I needed an intervention but today was not going to be that day. I grabbed the bag of chips and sat down. I pressed play on the answering machine. “Hey, it’s me — call me back when you get a chance. My number is 408-***-****.” God, it was nice to hear that familiar voice. I had missed talking to him so much. I had missed so much about him—mostly just being in his presence.

A memory of just a short two years earlier when I had left him in my rear view mirror flashed through my mind. How he placed that ring on my finger that day. So much had changed since that day. So much I wanted to tell him. So much I didn’t want to tell him. But now I had to tell him the truth. It didn’t matter that so much time had gone by. I just didn’t want to disappoint him. I didn’t want him to think that I didn’t love him anymore because I still did. I didn’t want to face the reality that this would be the real end of us—even though we had been done for almost 2 years. Of course telling him that I was pregnant was going to make him never want to talk to me again. Hell, maybe he had a kid of his own by now. That would be a hard pill to swallow. I slowly dialed the number. It was rehearsing exactly what I was going to say. I didn’t know what his reaction would be so I was preparing for anything. Maybe he wouldn’t even care. Maybe he would never talk to me again. Maybe he would tell me it’s all going to be ok. That was my wishful thinking though. It’s ringing. I can hear my rapid heartbeat. My palms are sweaty. Wait maybe that was the greasy chips. I don’t know what it is but I am nervous. “Hello?” “Hey Freddie—it’s Christin”

Jennifer

There I was. In the middle of the bowling alley, long island iced tea in hand, courtesy of a fellow co-worker. It was now my job to pretend that I knew how to bowl. Actually, no, no it wasn’t. I am just going to sit down at this table, and watch everyone else bowl. Although from what it looks like, it was just Joe and one other co-worker bowling. Whatever.

It is at this point in my story that I feel the need to state a few important facts.

•This was the first time in my life I had ever had a long island iced tea.

•I do not like tea.

•Guess what, long island iced tea does not taste like tea, it taste like lemonade.

•I love lemonade.

•I do not usually make it a habit of drinking on an empty stomach out in public. The following post will not be a reflection of that.

I am sure  you can see where this is going. Before I knew it, I was on my second long island iced tea, that really just tasted like lemonade. I felt pretty good. We were all talking, and bowling, discussing the weekend plans. Pretty soon I knew I would have to get something in my stomach-but not just yet. I was good for one more long island iced tea.

The night was slowly starting to die down. A few of the co-workers had already said their good-byes, while a handful of us were finishing up. I was somehow on my 3rd or 4th long island iced tea, while everyone else was on their last game.

And then, suddenly out of nowhere, I felt sick, and dizzy, and hot. Holy crap I cannot walk much less drive home! Am I seriously drunk at a work related event with my freaking boss about 10 feet away? This is not good.

I had a plan! All I really needed to do was make my way to the restroom, splash some cold water on my face, wait until the guys leave, then call Jessica for a ride. Piece of cake. I am a genius. I will just hang out in the restroom until they leave, and no one will be the wiser. I cannot have the people I work with, much loss my boss see me in this condition.

As I am splashing my face with water, while trying to keep myself from falling over, I hear Joe outside the restroom talking to a unfamilair female.

“Excuse me Miss, I was wondering if you can go in and check on our friend. We are worried she had too much to drink.”

KILL ME NOW!!!!!

No no no no no, I am fine, I will just tell the very nice lady I am fine, I have a ride home, I am good…….and then I fell down.

The very nice lady helped  me stand up. She ushered me outside to Joe, and three other of my co-workers. She kinda pushed me into Joe’s arms while telling him “She is in no condition to drive.”

Of course not! I know this, but I have a plan, and now my plan is ruined because my boss is holding me up so I do not fall on my face. I cannot believe this.

As I am trying to figure out a way to get out of this drunken state I am in, I hear Joe tell his friend/co-worker. “I am going to drive her home in her car,you follow behind us with my car.”

Are you kidding me?!?! I cannot have my boss know where I live! I decided to blame the very nice lady who just had to come into the restroom. I did not blame myself for having 4 long island iced teas on an empty stomach. #JenLogic

All I wanted to do was sleep. Everything was spinning. Joe helped me to my car and I may have passed out while telling him he has nice arms. After what seemed to be an eternity, we arrived at my apartment. Joe helped me up the three flights of stairs, and gently knocked on the door.

Jessica opened the door, took one look at me, one look at Joe and asked what happened.

“Well, I am sure she will fill you in tomorrow,but she had a little too much to drink, so we drove her home.”

I stumbled inside, never being so happy to see Jessica, or the bathroom. One of the last thoughts I remember having is “Thanks goodness I am off tomorrow.”

_______________________

I spent the next 24 hours planning my next move. The way I see it, I had two options. The first being is to go in to work and request a transfer, being that I can never face these guys again. Or..patiently wait for Joe to fire me. Surely it had to be coming. Not only did I get drunk in front of my boss, but I may have hit on him too. This was not good at all. I messed up. I had no one else to blame, other than perhaps the very nice lady who would just not leave me be. I mean I did have a plan after all.

Making that long walk from the time clock to the back room felt like I was walking to my hanging. I had to apologize. I had to admit to my mistakes of drinking too much. I should have known better, yet, once again I messed up, and this time, my job was on the line.

As soon as I walked through the double doors, I saw him. Joe was standing there with a clipboard in hand. Most likely my termination papers. I gathered myself together, took a deep breath and just went in.

“Joe, I am so sorry for the other night. I acted unprofessional. I know you do not know me very well, but I do not typically get intoxicated in front of my boss. I am both embarrassed and grateful that you saw fit to make sure I got home safely. Thank you.”

He looked at me, while making  some notes on his clipboard.

“You have to be more careful. If we were not there, who knows what could have happened. It happens, let’s just forget about it and move on. For now, I need to put you in infants. Start off by checking the diaper wall.”

and just like that he walked away, leaving me there while I took the biggest sigh of relief I could. Then, I went to find Christin, who would be in infants. I had a lot to talk to her about, starting with, why she never warned me about those long island iced teas.

Christin

Spina Bifida. I had honestly never heard the term. It sounded bad though—really bad. After going to the library (this was a time before google) I found out babies that are born with Spina Bifida have a hole in their spinal cord. The baby could be paralyzed and could have developmental disabilities. My baby was going to be born with a hole in its spine. So now, I am trying to wrap my head around having a baby and now my baby was going to be born with a birth defect. How was I going to do this? I was too young and inexperienced to handle this. And then I heard the words “God will never give you more than you can handle.” I hung onto these words for dear life. It took everything I had in me to keep it together.

I went in for further testing. The results still indicated abnormalities. I was referred to a specialist at the Mary Bridge Children’s Hospital in Tacoma. Once a week I had to go and they would take an ultrasound; making sure the baby was growing and healthy. I began doing what any expectant parent does—buying baby stuff. I didn’t know what the sex of the baby was yet, so I began with gender neutral items.
Still no word from Ben. I was still hopeful though. I checked my messages in the evening hoping to hear that familiar accent. But nothing. One night, I did get a message on my answering machine it wasn’t Ben but it was Alphonso.

“Chrissy, it’s Alphonso. Jen and I wanted to do dinner sometime to celebrate your big news. Call me back!”

Honestly, I wasn’t in the mood for celebrating. I just wanted my baby to be ok and I wanted to hear from Ben. Nothing to celebrate here. But it was nice to hear from him and maybe we all could meet up soon. I did miss Jen and Alphonso—and the quiet that surrounded me was deafening.

I began to take one day at a time. I had some good days and some bad days. On the good days I would come home and work on the nursery. I was doing the “Raggedy Ann and Andy” theme for the baby. On the bad days I would work late. It was getting close to the holidays and overtime was allowed. I didn’t want to be alone at home, so instead I would work late; at least at work I wouldn’t be alone. One of the support managers, Karl, would ask me to help out with different things. Sometimes it would be putting a display up or figuring out what to put in action alley. He was outgoing and friendly, always had a smile on his face. One evening that I was working late, Karl came to my department as I was scanning my out-of-stocks.

“Hey Chris, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure. Ask away.”
“Why are you always working late—doesn’t your husband miss you?”

I had to laugh. My husband? Where did he get the idea I was married? I did wear a ring on my ring finger but I always had. So now I had to explain to him the whole Ben thing and pregnant thing. My Walmart vest had concealed my pregnancy pretty good up to this point. So I took it off and revealed my growing belly.
He had no idea. He looked at me differently. Maybe it was sympathy—maybe something else.

After this, Karl and I became friends. He was always so upbeat and happy. I needed someone like that around me. Several times a day he would stop my department and we would chat about work and life. He always wanted to “feel the baby”. It didn’t bother me. He was very endearing and showed a sincere interest in me and the baby. What could it hurt?

Karl began stopping by my apartment on his way home. He was commuting to and from Chehalis every day. I happened to live on his route home. Sometimes he would stop by in the evening and we would chat about work or whatever the latest work gossip was. I showed him the nursery I was working on, that was coming together nicely. He was impressed.

It was nice to have conversation in a time where I felt so alone. The pregnancy hormones were all over the place. Sometimes I wanted to cry and in the next instant all I wanted was a chalupa from Taco Bell. I told Karl all of this—he assured me that it was completely normal.

On one rainy November night, I was working late again. Karl came by my department and asked if I would help him gather carts outside and bring them in. No problem. Karl and I walked outside and began to hunt for carts in the parking lot. The rain began to come down in sheets. Both of us soaked and cold—Karl offered to warm his car up so we could warm up and dry off. So, we ran to his car and jumped in. He turned on his heated seats as I wrung my hair out.

We were laughing about how we must look. It wasn’t good. But it was funny. It was good to laugh. It had been awhile since I had laughed that hard. It felt really good.
Hypothermia was setting it and I decided it was time to go home.

“Its time for me to go home. I can’t feel my feet”
“Stay for just for a few more minutes and warm up”

I was hungry and cold. It was definitely time to go. As, I was getting ready to open the door, Karl placed his hand on my hand. Just for a second. It was unexpected but nice.
I had never looked at him in any other way than just a friend. But now there was something. Maybe a spark or maybe it was just these pregnancy hormones acting crazy again. I don’t know. All I know is that I liked his company and conversation.

A few days later, I saw Jen pass by my department. I was feeling especially emotional and vulnerable. I just needed to vent. As I began telling her about my feet swelling and my uncontrollable cravings for Salt and Vinegar chips, I let it slip that Karl had been stopping by on his way home.

“Jen, so you know Support Manager Karl?”
“Yeah,” she said looking curiously at me.
“So, we have been hanging out at work and sometimes he stops by on his way home to chat.”
And then I saw it. The look she gets when she’s ready to tell me something bad but doesn’t want to.
“Christin, you know he has a girlfriend, right?!”

________

The Wedding Planner

Steve: Do you ever think about that night at the park?

Mary: What?

Steve: I barely know you. I don’t know your dad’s first name, I don’t know if you ever wore braces, or contacts, or glasses and I have no idea how you came to be a wedding planner, Mary. But I do know the curves of your face. And I know every fleck of gold in your eyes. I know that the night at the park was the best time I’ve ever had. Pl-please say something.

Mary: I’m a magnet for unavailable men, and I’m sick of it. It’s simple, I love Fran, I respect her, and she loves you. So besides your tux measurements, that’s all I need to know. Please go away.

Jennifer

I rushed home, checked on Jessica and the boys, and as quickly as I could, made a mad dash upstairs to Alphonso’s apartment. The time of day told me he would be locked away in his room, working on his sketches. I would have to do my now infamous acrobatic act where I lean myself over the outside railing as far as I could while I pounded on his bedroom window.

A mere three minutes later, he opens the front door, looking like death.

“Jeez, you look terrible.” I said, as I made my way in his apartment. “I have news, huge news, so pull yourself together!”

Maybe he was actually asleep this time.

“How many times have I told you to ring the doorbell and not pound on my window like we live in the ghetto or something.”

I threw my purse down, sat down on his sofa, while I waited for him to take his cue and sit next to me.

“You never answer when I ring the doorbell!”

He made his was to the sofa directly across from me.

“Then perhaps you should take a hint!”

I did not have time for this.

“Guess what!”

“No.”

“C’mon, just guess!”

“Jennifer, you just woke me up out of a dead sleep I will not play these….”

“CHRISTIN IS PREGNANT! I just saw her in the store, and we were trying to avoid each other, but there was really no way, so we had like a hot second of awkward conversation and then she told me she was pregnant, and OF COURSE the douche of a guy is not around. We should do something!”

It took Alphonso a good few minutes to register what I was saying. Perhaps it could have been because I was talking incredibly fast, or perhaps he felt like I did. It is time to reconnect, let bygones be bygones and be there for her while she is getting ready to go through the most hardest time of her life.

“She is pregnant? Christin is going to have a baby? Should we have a dinner or something in her honor, I can have it catered!”

I got up from the sofa in search of a snack.

“We are not having a dinner in her honor. This is not like a coming out Debutante party or something. We will call her, and maybe take her to lunch, or invite her over. We will be supportive. Also…..I have some dumb work bowling thing I have to go to tomorrow after work, can you do my makeup?”

__________________________

Saturday night found Alphonso in my apartment trying to work his magic on me. I honestly do not know why I even cared at this point. I would think jeans and some sort of flannel would be sufficient to spend a few hours of bowling in. And those shoes, those horrible shoes. I did not have an outfit that in any way could make those shoes work.

There had been a slight change of plans. Alphonso would watch my boys in my apartment. Jessica had to work late, and Sean, a long with myself, was expected to show up at this “Let’s bring back team morale!” bowling event.

I would meet Sean at his house and he would then drive us both to the bowling alley. I had no idea where it was, and being that I am a horrible driver at night, this just made the most sense. Until, it quickly did not.

Sean still lived with his mother. He lived near Wild Waves which is a pretty cool water/amusement park here in Federal Way. The only problem, I was not that familiar with the area, and I had never been to his house before.

My nerves were getting the best of me. It was dark, there waere all these side roads in his particular neighbourhood, I was feeling light-headed due to the fact that I was on another one of my famous”diets” and the last thing I had to eat was around 9am in the morning. An apple! I figured I would grab something from the bar at the bowling alley, because really, the bar food was the only thing I was looking forward to.

As I pull up to his house, I saw Sean and Jessica standing outside in what looked to be a pretty heated argument. I know this because she was throwing his cd’s out of the car. Great. This was the last thing I needed. I did not want to be late since this was a work related thing, but I was counting on Sean to be the driver. I get out of the car.

“Hi guys? What’s going on?”

And then I was blindsided.

“What are you doing here?”
“Umm, Jen, you’re probably going to have to go without me.”
“Are you sleeping with him?”
“I just forgot to tell you.”

Holy crap I just entered the world of crazy, and usually, that is a world I am all too acquainted with. I was out of my comfort zone on this one.

This was the gist of it. Jessica wanted to hang out with Sean tonight, Sean, being the idiot that he is, somehow neglected to tell Jessica that he was committed to this ridiculous bowling night “to bring up team morale!” When Jessica saw me pull up, she figured I was the reason Sean lied to her. Which I wasn’t. As I previously stated, he is just an idiot.

Now I am annoyed. Like really annoyed. It was wrong of Sean to put me in this position because Jessica and I were not only good friends, but roommates. I told Jessica there was no way I would ever be interested in Sean, because he is an idiot. I told Sean he needed to fix this and make it right. I told both of them to just calm down and talk it out, and I would let Joe know that Sean had an emergency come up, and he would be unable to make it to the ridiculous bowling night. Lucky bastard.

I left those two standing on the front lawn and I made my way to the bowling alley, without quite knowing exactly how to get there.

I was about twenty minutes late, but I made it. My nerves were gone and to be honest, all I wanted to do was make a quick appearance, get something to eat and leave.

As soon as I walked in to the bowling alley, I saw all the familiar faces of work. They took up two tables, everyone looked like they were in a pretty good mood. Who knew? Perhaps there was something to this “Bring up team morale” thing.

Joe made his way over to me, as I was finding a spot to put my purse down.

“Good to see you Jen, glad you were able to make it. Is Sean with you?”

I gave him a look.

“Sean had an emergency come up. He will not be able to make it tonight…….so…..am I allowed to have a drink? I mean this wont go against me if I have a quick drink will it?”

He looked at me, gave me a quick little laugh and said “We are off the clock, you’re good.”

And with that, before I knew it, I had a long island iced-tea in my hand.

Christin

I didn’t know the right way to tell him. I didn’t know what to say. After a few minutes of silence I had to say something. “So, I took a pregnancy test today (actually 4– but he didn’t need to know that) and it is positive” Nothing. Silence. More silence. Uncomfortable silence. “Are you there, Ben?” “Yeah, I’m here. Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m sure. I am going to the doctor tomorrow to confirm but I am almost 100% positive. Silence. “Well ok then. Can we meet up tomorrow and talk about it” “Sure” But I could tell he was scared. Just as scared as I was. Suddenly things changed between us. I felt a shift and I didn’t like it.

The doctor’s appointment came and went. He confirmed my thoughts with a blood test and sure enough I was 6 weeks pregnant. Ben and I met up at small diner. We sat across from each other, neither of us saying much. He asked me if I was going to keep it. I told him I didn’t know. I hadn’t had the time to think that far ahead. I asked him what he was going to do. He said he had some news of his own. “I got orders today to go to Kentucky for 3 months for training.” Now timing had never been in my favor. So, I had to laugh. Really God, you couldn’t have just gave me this one. Just one. “Well, just keep in touch and we will figure it all out when you get back” “Ok, sounds good” And we left it at that. He would leave for a few months to go to Kentucky for training. I would stay here and be pregnant. We would figure it all out later. Wish it was that easy.

He left a few days later. It was time to make some changes of my own. I got my own apartment. A cute little apartment all by myself. No roommates, no expectations, no compromise. Just me and my cats. Oh yeah, and a baby I still hadn’t decided what I was going to do. I wasn’t ready to give up my life as I had known it. I had dreams of college, aspirations of becoming something more. I loved to travel and still had so many more places to see. I didn’t know how to take care of a baby. I was barely managing to take care of myself. I made the very hard decision to make an appointment with Planned Parenthood.

I thought I knew what next step I needed to take. It was a choice that wasn’t easily made. In fact, it was made with a lot of thought, tears and mostly fear. I needed to have an abortion. The appointment was made. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t be a single parent if Ben chose not to be a part of the baby’s life. I grew up watching my mom struggle as a single parent and I refused to do this. There was no other choice, I was convinced.

The day before my appointment I ran into a friend and co-worker, Sonja. Up to this point I hadn’t told many people. I felt so alone. I felt like a failure. I knew Sonja was a mom herself but also had a close relationship with God. I grew up in church but God and I hadn’t talked in a long time. For some reason that day, I felt that I needed some guidance. And there was Sonja. “Sonja, can I talk to you?” “Sure” “I have a situation… I am pregnant and not sure what to do” “Chris, you need to pray about it” “Sonja, I CAN’T DO IT! I can’t do this on my own. My life will be over.” And then she gave me some of the best advice I have ever received in my life. “Chris, God will never give you more than you can handle. You can do this. Whether you think so or not, you can make it through. I know you are scared but God’s got you.” These words gave me a new perspective. I felt like I could do it. I could be a mom. Would it be hard? Of course. But damn it, I was going to give it my best—alone or not. I called and cancelled that appointment to Planned Parenthood. I tried to call Ben but his phone was disconnected. What the hell? And so it was.

I was going to have a baby. It was still sinking in. The morning sickness made it more real. Every morning was a nightmare. I couldn’t eat anything. The smell of everything made it worse. I told my family and they were supportive. Surprised but supportive nonetheless. I had only told 1 or 2 people at work. And then one day a week or so later I am leaving the store and there is Jen. I can’t avoid her. It’s too late to walk a different way. We meet up in the purse department. “Hey how are you?” She said with hesitation. “Good, how are you?” I replied. I didn’t know where this conversation was going. I left the apartment on bad terms but since then T was out of her life,  maybe we could salvage our friendship. That was a big “maybe” “Good”, she replied while she gave me a look. She was looking at me like she was trying to figure something out about me. Did she know my secret? Who told her? She couldn’t possibly know? Was I showing already? And before I could stop myself, I blurted out “I’m pregnant” And there it was. I told her everything. And just like that we were talking like no time had passed. She asked me about the dad and I told her how he left and now his number was disconnected. I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. She understood what I was going through–hell, she’d been through it herself.

A few weeks went by and still no word from Ben. I was still hopeful that he would call and eventually come back. He just had to. I would hold onto this hope for as long as I could. We would work it out and be a family. I just knew it. Until then I would do my best on my own– all alone.

The morning sickness began to taper off. I had my 3 month doctor’s appointment where they do the routine blood tests to make sure the baby was healthy. The next day I received a phone call that would require me to be stronger than I ever could have imagined. “Ms. Crider we need you to come in for another blood test. Your tests show that there is too much protein indicating possible Spina Bifida.”

Travelin’ Soilder

Jennifer

I could not stand my new boss.

Joe was so “by-the-book” it drove me crazy. He never gave his team a break, and he would watch us like a hawk. I mean really? All we are doing is putting Febreeze and Friskies cat food on the shelf. How can we possibly mess it up?

The ICS team took breaks together. Joe would literally be outside with us, on a 15 minute break, talking about work, while looking at his watch. Call me crazy, but this was not a break! I cannot take a 15 minute break, if on said 15 minute break, I have to talk about which pallet I would stock next.

He would never give us any playing room. I missed the days (like last week) when he was on vacation in Florida, and I was able to have my breakdowns, and the ICS guys were there to tell me “You will be fine,it will be okay.” None of this was happening on Joe’s watch.

Annoying.

I will say, that when my boys had a doctor appointment, or school function, Joe gave me the day off, or worked around my schedule. That was a nice change of pace from my previous boss’. In the past, I would pretty much have to offer up my kidney if I needed an unscheduled day off. Still. He was just so professional, and by-the book, it drove me crazy. I started to question if this guy ever laughed.

One day in particular, Sean and I were working in “Chemicals” which is just a fancy word for the cleaning supply aisle. We had a pallet of freight we needed to stock within the hour. Sean and I always worked well together, we would talk, and gossip, while getting the job done……or so I thought. I will never forget it, Sean and I are literally on the floor, making sure the UPC code on the shelf matches that of the Windex we are supposed to put on the shelf. The UPC did not match up, and at the very moment Joe walks up.

“Does it really take two of you to do this? It’s very simple. If the code matches, you put it on the shelf, if it does not match, it is overstock and you take it to the bin.”

And just like that…..I am pissed. Like really? Does he have to talk to me like I am a 5-year-old.If the blasted code did not match then we would get in trouble for “plugging.” I took the box of Windex that I had, and threw it in Sean’s arms.

“I am done, I do not get paid to be talked to like a child.”

And in an Oscar worthy moment,reminiscent of Joan Crawford I walked off, leaving both Sean and Joe in the dust. I went to the back room and started to set it up for the unloaders, who were due in within the hour. Joe  eventually comes to the back room. “Do you have a minute?”

“Nope! I am setting up the dock! Maybe you should go make sure the cat food is in its proper place.”

I know, I was a bitch, but trust me, he was like the Wal-Mart Nazi.

Days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and I was finally doing better. I dealt with the break-up. I dealt with being stood up by a vendor (actually, I am still kind of bitter about that one) and I was on my way to working on my confidence issues. Dr. Phil would be proud. Jessica and I had a good roommate situation going on. There was always one of us home to watch the boys, which saved both of us on daycare expenses. Sean would come over for dinner, and we would talk work stuff, while him and Jess talked relationship stuff. They were becoming more serious, and it would not surprise me to hear that sooner or later, they would be moving in together. Damn fools.

I was doing quite well at work. Honestly, I was. You could not find more of a girly girl than I was, yet you stick me in a back room with a bunch of guys, and through divine intervention or some kind of paranormal activity, I was kicking butt!

On “Bring Your Kid to Work Day.” I was able to bring AJ in. He was in the fourth grade at this time, and it was a nice experience to see him in my “environment.” Of course he excelled and made me proud. Joe had all the kids with him on the sales floor. At that time, we could not have the kids in the backroom. This was probably the first time I saw Joe smile. He enjoyed working with these kids. Which was only AJ and Sean’s three kids. Joe put them to work, but made it fun. I made the comment to Sean “Oh look at that, he enjoys working with the kids better than he does us.” It was weird, but nice.

A few weeks later, Joe called an informal meeting in the backroom for all of us on ICS. I knew as soon as he made his way to the middle of our inner circle, and did the “clearing of the throat,” He was about to drop something on us.

“I feel like team morale is down. We are not working to our potential. People at other stores are talking about how bad we are doing. To build team morale, I had a thought. How would you guys feel about a bowling night? Just our team, we get together outside of work, and get back to where we are supposed to be.”

Are you kidding me? A bowling night? I do not know how to bowl. And, what about a babysitter? The thing is, I felt we all had great team morale. It was Joe who did not know how to relax. Many of us would hangout with each other outside of work. Everyone except Joe. He would come to work punch in the time clock, work his nine hours and punch out. I mean for all I knew he had no life outside of Wal-Mart, or, he wanted to keep Wal-Mart separate from his outside life? I do not know what it was, but it was annoying.

We all left the meeting and went to our respective departments. As I was walking out with Sean, he told me not to worry about it,  Jess would watch the kids. Fine. Whatever. I mean why couldn’t we do dinner or something? Bowling? I mean what does one even wear to bowl in?

As I left the back room, and made my way down the action alley aisle. There she was. I saw her, but was uncertain if she saw me…..Okay, who was I kidding, of course she saw me. We were the only two on the aisle, and quite frankly, it did not look like there was a way for me to get out of this. She was walking straight towards me, although it looked like she was also looking for her out.

Christin. There was Christin.