I have always had issues with feeling good enough, feeling worthy enough, and well, just feeling enough. It is important to note that none of my issues stems from my childhood. I had a pretty close to perfect childhood as one could get. You see, I believe I was born with these issues. Sounds crazy, I know, but you guys have read the blog long enough to know that crazy is not too far off from me.
Many times I have felt, and to be honest, still do at certain times, that my siblings are the better version of me. Through the whole “being created” process, I got too much a dose of sensitivity, easily prone to weight gain, and the jury is still out on addiction. So, when my siblings were up, going through their “being created” process, someone saw where they went wrong with me, and did everything just about right with them.
No one will see it this way, but perhaps that is part of the problem. More on that later.
I had no boyfriends in school. None. I am sure this was a relief to my parents at the time. The boys that I was interested in, they were interested in my sister. This would set a very long pattern of what is to come. Many, of which you have been reading here on the blog.
When I was 10 years old taking ballet classes, my fellow ballerinas thought I was pregnant, because, well, I was chunky and chunky does not work in a leotard.
Growing up, my sister and I loved watching the show Laverne & Shirley. We especially loved the way both Laverne and Shirley looked in their jeans. Nice flat tummies. As young little girls when my sister and I would play Laverne and Shirley, I was always Shirley, and my sister would be Laverne. My sister and her jeans looked just like Laverne did in her jeans. Me, not so much. Want to know why? Well, because Shirley never had a muffin top, unlike “your’s truly” over here.
It is those little pictures in time from my childhood that in my opinion set the stage for the next few years. I married the first guy that showed any interest in me. I allowed the second guy who showed any interest in me to abuse me. I put my self-worth into the wrong kind of guys, and food, and maybe on occasion alcohol.
So, in October of 2002 when I was at another work function to “bring up team morale” I was blindsided.
Another bowling night. Still not sure why we had to do bowling, but whatever. I got there a little late, because it’s me we are talking about. I made my way to the bar, then I went to find our little group.
Joe, my boss, was the first person I saw. He was standing there, just watching “his team” bowl. I came up next to him with apologies for being late.
“Hey Jen, good to see ya, thanks for coming” and then I noticed him eyeing my cup.
“Don’t worry, it’s only diet coke! I learned from my mistakes.” and just like that, Joe and I fell into a nice conversation while we watched the others “bowl”…..and I use that term loosely.
Every now and then we were interrupted by the other guys who asked us if we wanted to join in. Of course I did not want to join in, it’s bowling, and my nails looked exceptionally well tonight. Joe also declined their offer to join a game. Most likely because based on the previous game from a month ago, Joe is not a good bowler either.
I took a sip of my diet coke and still in the mind frame of trying to keep the conversation going, I looked at Joe and asked him “So, do you have any plans tomorrow?” I figured with it being football season, and tomorrow was Sunday, he had a few games he wanted to watch.
“No, no plans tomorrow. Would you want to hang out and maybe go to lunch?”
Oh for the love of God I cannot handle any more work functions!
“Lunch, tomorrow? More work issues?”
He laughed, a nervous kind of laugh.
“Well, if you do not have any plans, I thought maybe you and I could just do lunch, I can show you the Tacoma waterfront if you have never been.”
And just like that, in a blink of an eye, those little pictures in time made their way to me, and I knew without a doubt, that I would most likely ruin this guys life.