We Gotta Get Out of This Place : The Vodka Calling Road Trip

Allow me to paint the picture for you. I am now being sent to a dark, candle lit room. The wanna be Stevie Nicks has to have about seven different incense’s burning, and I have to say, I do believe they were all different. The scent was pretty over powering in the “living room”, back in this room, I just cannot do it. “Gypsy” moves her arm in a way to where I know she wants me to take a seat. Reluctantly I obliged.

With only a small round cafe sort of table separating us, she brings out crystals, cards, and something that I am guessing is sage. Although at this point, who is to say? Maybe it is sage. She is “cleansing” the cards, as I am trying to take in my surroundings. I see nothing. Between the smoke from the sage, the burning incense, and the faint smell of curry, I could not see a damn thing, other than Gypsy eyeing me a little too closely.

“What is you name?”

And so it begins. This woman is about to do some weird reading for me, because she can predict the future and what-not. Why is she asking me my name? Shouldn’t she already know my name?


“What questions do you have for me?”

I make myself comfortable. I have a feeling this may take a while.

“Before you start doing whatever it is you are about to do, do you mind if I ask a question?”

I may have seen her roll her eyes, but I cannot be certain.

“Go ahead.”

“Well, I would like to know of you have any reviews, or perhaps credentials handy?”

With a perfect rolling of the tongue, Miss Gypsy looks at me as if I may be her next victim she has displayed on her kitchen entry wall.

“Credentials? I do not understand what you ask?”

She is going to make me work for it.

“You know, like is there some sort of certificate or diploma of sorts? Something that states you are legitimately what you say you are and not some sort of scammer. Or even some reviews by some of your, what do you call them, customers, clients, you know what I mean.”

Gypsy starts laying about 4-5 cards on the table.

“I not understand what you mean? This is free reading.”

“Oh, is it free because you need the practice?”

She looks up at me while flipping a card over. I mean is this her personal version of solitaire or something?

“Elizabeth, you insult Gypsy.”

“No no, not trying to insult. All I am trying to do is get a feel for who you are. I mean if you are about to give me a reading, then I would at least like to know you have something to back up what you are saying. You know, proof.”

Now she flipped a second card over.

“Proof?” Life is not about proof. Life is about purpose.”

Christin is going to owe me big for this one.

“Of course everyone has a purpose. I believe that, I also believe that we are not meant to know our purpose from some stranger that is sitting across a table from us.”

She flips a third card over.

“Why you here wasting my time.”

“I do not know why I am here, Christin made me come here!”

I motion to the room where I had left Christin.

She flips a fourth card.

“I see, this card, this explains everything. Eight of cups you see. Sadness and sense of solitude. This is why, how you say, this is why you a bitch.”

“Excuse me??”

“Ah yes. You have a sense of relentlessness and unhappiness. The other part not matter, this explains so much.”

“Did you just do a reading on me without my permission?”

She looks up and smiles. This would be the first and last time I see her smile.

“I did.”

“You cannot do that. I was not ready, I did not even see your credentials!”

“Again with the credentials.”

She starts packing up her cards.

“Wait a minute. What are you doing? Now you’re packing up, you read these card things when I was not even ready, you mention something about unhappiness, and now you are finished?”

Gypsy stops what she is doing. Stands up from her chair and motions me to the beaded curtain.

“We are finished.”

“Uh, you may be finished, I am not finished!”

I followed her out while listening to her mutter something about credentials. Funny how she magically looses the accent, right?

“That’s fine. I am good. It’s not like you are legit anyways!”

Finally. There’s Christin. Why the hell was she outside? I could have used some backup here.

Gypsy is now ignoring me, while going to give Christin a hug.

“Your friend, Elizabeth, she on spiritual journey, Elizabeth have no satisfaction with world,or things that she familiar with.”

Christin give me “the look” while I ignore both of them while spotting Nicks.

“Whatever, can we go now, and I would like to take your cat with me.”

Gypsy makes her way back into her dungeon, while turning back.

“Take him, he not belong to me.”

That’s all I needed to hear. I made my way to the car, with Nicks in tow and Christin closely following. Nicks sprawled out in the backseat, most likely aware of the fact that I just saved him from this crazy broad. Christin got situated behind the wheel, and I knew what was coming.

“Jen, why was she calling you Elizabeth? And before you go into some long explanation, I need you to find the closest Wal-Mart.”

“Wal-Mart? Why are we going to Wal-Mart, you owe me a drink!”


One thought on “We Gotta Get Out of This Place : The Vodka Calling Road Trip

  1. Gotta admit, I’m with Gypsy here ( LOL) … it was a free reading, you didn’t have to be there…. did you expect her to produce a diploma saying that she has a doctorate in fortunetelling!? Hilarious.

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