Adventures of Apt. B-303 A New Normal


Now there was a baby in the apartment.

Alphonso, T, Jen and I stood in the kitchen looking down at the baby in the baby seat. Three out of the four of us had no experience with kids, let alone a baby. We were way out of our league on this one. Then we realized, we didn’t have one thing for the baby. This was a bachelor pad for 20-somethings, not a place for a baby. Not one bottle (only vodka), not one diaper, not one baby “thing” was in that apartment. Now what. So as the four of us stood in the kitchen with a BABY, we realized someone was going to have to go the store as soon as possible.

We (Jen) made a list for the baby.
1. Bottles
2. Diapers
3. Formula
4. Couple changes of clothes
5. Pacifier

Somehow, Alphonso and I got roped into doing the shopping. Alphonso, the make-up artist that knows everything about concealers and eyebrows but not a damn thing about babies. Me, the self-proclaimed “never going to have kids” girl that can tell you more about football and cars than I can about kids. We found ourselves at…yeah, I bet you can guess—Wal-Mart. The Wal-Mart where the ex had been earlier that day. The Wal-Mart where everybody knew us. What were Alphonso and Christin doing shopping in the Infants department? That is what everyone was thinking, I’m sure.

With our list in hand, we entered the land of babies and baby things. It was more like the twilight zone. So many gidgets and gadgets that babies needed. Who knew babies needed so many things? I sure didn’t. “What’s this for? Does the baby need this?” Alphonso held up a box. Upon closer inspections, I assured him the baby didn’t need a breast pump and Jen didn’t either. Bottles were #1 on the list. But what kind of bottles do we need. Round nipple. Flat nipple. Bottles with those plastic inserts or bottles with no plastic inserts. A little of each. That works. “Alphonso, what size diapers do we get.” “How am I supposed to know?” “Size 3 is for 3 year olds right? Vinnie’s not 3” “Get size 2 then” Alphonso says in between telling me he needs to go the make-up aisle to get some cotton balls.

Down the formula aisle we go. What kind of formula do we need? Soy free, lactose free, whole milk, cow’s milk? Who would have known that milk came in so many varieties? This was getting to be like putting together a puzzle when you are blind. IMPOSSIBLE.

While we were shopping, it donned on me that the crazy ex might come to Wal-Mart looking for one of us. He saw us at Denny’s and knew what we looked like. “Alphonso, make sure you keep an eye out for the ex” Who was I kidding? The only thing Alphonso was going to protect me from was wrinkles and bad eyebrows. Not the big, fat, psycho ex. We should’ve went to Target across the street instead. Too late now.

After what felt like forever, we made our way up to the register. “That will be $89.67.” What?! Babies were expensive! (Note to self: Don’t have kids ever) Alphonso and I split the bill since Jen spent her last dime paying the ex to see Vinnie. After listening to Alphonso complain for 10 minutes about how he would not be able to afford the MAC face powder this week because he spent his money on baby stuff, we carried 6 bags full of stuff up to the apartment. We walked in and the reality of a baby in the apartment was much too real.

So, our new normal had begun.
Three friends and a baby.
Oh yeah, and T too.

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