Doing Better.

I got word that my son landed safely. Apparently, it was a very sweet reunion that brought on tears from the biological father. I am going to try very hard to not be snarky here, so just insert your own sarcastic comment.

My son’s, stepmother, upon meeting him for the very first time, asses that he is indeed not a drug addict. Cool! I feel SO MUCH better now.

This is going to be harder than I thought, trying not to be a smart ass. Just know, that many times I do use humor to deflect, and no matter what I feel, I am sincerely thankful that my son is alive and seems to be happy. That is all that matters right now, and hopefully, when the time is right for him, everything else will fall into place.

Last night my son’s ex-girlfriend reached out to me. Now, she does read this blog, so as to not embarrass her, I will use an alias for her. Mia is my favorite of all the exes. Not that there were many, but I truly enjoyed Mia. I have a few pictures of just Mia and me, and at one point she even met my family. I do not know the details of why they broke up, but I do know my son seemed very happy with her. He was at his best, at least from an outside perspective. I do not know went on behind closed doors and have nothing but respect for Mia. After all, she owes me nothing, and yet assured me that she had heard from my son and said he seems happy.

Last night was a hard one for me. Today is better. I worry about the quiet hours at night when my kids and husband are asleep. Insomnia kicks in and my mind goes to places of guilt. I believe that is just part of the process though. In my opinion, I am going through a form of grief. Grief has many different stages to it, and right now I am at the guilt stage. That’s okay though. It will eventually pass.

This is a public blog and I have no idea if this will get back to the biological dad, stepmother, or even my son. I have no idea if people will feel a certain kind of victory, or empathy. It does not matter.

I am going to breakdown, I will cry all sorts of tears, I will question everything and then I will rise, filled with even more strength than I had before. Because it is right after the Breakdown, that we will soon see the Breakthrough.

Stay tuned, and as always, thank you for listening and allowing me to “talk” this out.

~Jennifer

 

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