Joe is in his final days of Inventory Hell at work. It is completely insane. He works his ass off, twelve hours a day, for Inventory. Needless to say, we are on two completely different schedules.

The other night, he went to bed early while I was still up watching the Golden Girls and writing. One of Joe’s complaints is that I always fall asleep on the sofa, watching t.v and writing, which I do. Because, and there is a method to my madness, by the time I go to bed, his alarm will go off in an hour or so, at which point I always come to the living room anyway.

I felt guilty. I told myself no matter what time I get tired, I will go sleep in the bedroom with him.

So, there I am, laying in bed next to a very loud snoring Joe. Me and my bright ideas, right? I could not even watch t.v because Joe is such a light sleeper, but hey, at least I am in bed, right? Facebook it is! I grab my phone, start scrolling the news feed and quickly realize that all my friends must be asleep as well. I put the phone down, tried to play with my cat for a bit, however, the damn cat was trying to sleep as well. Am I the only night owl out there?

Tossing and turning I just cannot get comfortable. I cannot get comfortable because I am not tired! I rolled over, adjusted my pillows for the tenth time. There, with the soft glistening light from the hall, there it was, Joe’s phone.

Hmmm. This could be fun. Last time I took his phone without him knowing I changed my name in his contacts from “Jen” to “Hot Wife.” Well, somehow I just got distracted by his messages. I mean I needed something to help me sleep, so, ya know, why not go through his messages.

Boring.
Boring.
Boring.
Hmmmm.
Boring.
Boring.

I had to go back to one “questionable” message, but, this is one I cannot talk about because it involves his job, and the police, and a crazy person.

Well, somehow, as I was reading a message from his boss, I ended up accidentally calling the boss. Before I knew it, I hear “Joe, your up early, what’s up?”

HOLY MOTHER MARY OF GOD WHAT DID I JUST DO?!?!

So, I threw the phone down and ran to the bathroom, because you know, that’s what any normal person does.

As I am in the bathroom playing dumb, I hear the freakin phone ring! Like seriously, has his boss never heard of “butt dialing” even if it is at 2am?

On the fourth ring, I make my out of the bathroom, hop back in bed.

Joe rolls over, still have asleep. “Did my phone just ring?”

I look around and notice one of the cats sitting there, just ready to rat me out.

“Nope! I did not hear anything!”

and just like that, he rolled back over and went to sleep for the last 45 minutes.

Moral of the story: When you decide to be sneaky, turn the ringer off!