The Sound of Silence

I have been in a funk lately. I am not sure why, although I am sure Dr. Phil would have a field day analyzing why.

I mean, yeah, I am sure the fact that we had to fork over eleven hundred dollars to fix our car did not help, but it is more than that.

I called my sister today. It’s like close to impossible to ever get her on the phone, and when I do, it’s short. “Well, let me go, I am cooking dinner.” Or… “Well, I need to go sleep, early day tomorrow!” I found myself wondering if we would ever talk if not for me calling her. So, today, I called her. Just as I was ready to hang up, she answers the phone.

“Hello.”
“Hi! What are you doing?”
“What’s wrong?”

She knew. Just by those five words, she knew something was wrong. So we talked.

I am still not exactly sure what this funk I am in is all about, but my sister helped me to realize that sometimes it is not about anyone else, just me.

Everything is changing. I do not do well with change. We are about seventeen days out before the end of summer. The end of my presence at a school who has been a huge part of my identity over the last seven years. And yes, even though I have put in my application to work in the district, everything is still changing.

I am the type of person who values quality over quantity. Know what I mean? I do not have many friends, but the ones I do have, they are pretty amazing. I am not able to talk to certain members of my family as much as I would like. Hell, I am not able to see them as often as I would like, but when I do, it’s amazing. I guess, I just wish for more.

More heartfelt conversations.

“Jen, how did you do on your test?”
“Jen, I am not going to be available for the next week, let’s talk, how are you?”

But, I do not know, it’s weird now. It’s different, and I knew it would be. Hell, if I had the damn energy I would link the post where I predicted that things would be different, and no one wanted to listen to me.

It could just be simple dynamics and all. One thing for certain, I know it is my issue, not anyone else’s. We all have so much going on. I need to be mindful of that. What may be important to me, may not be on anyone’s radar. I have to learn to not take it personally….and I am, it’s a slow work in progress, but I am getting better at it.

……

Vinnie woke Joe and me up at 5:30 this morning.

“My check was deposited, I got paid, I got eight hundred dollars!”

Aside from the fact that I wanted to kill him before my alarm went off, it was very humbling to see him so excited over a paycheck. Let me tell you, he works his ass off. And, after he works his ass off he has to take the bus home, and after he takes the bus to the transit center, he has to walk about two miles home. Vinnie is killing it. He is my diamond in a rough. He “Ubered It” home today because he wanted me to rest. I could have picked him up, I wanted to pick him up, but instead, he pays twenty dollars for a ten-minute cab ride.

……

Vinnie has been waiting for some Air Force One shoes he ordered online. Every day he checks his phone notifications hoping that this will be the day the shoes are delivered. He paid good money, money he worked his ass for, to buy these shoes. They came in yesterday. You guys, he was so excited. Like a little kid on Christmas morning. Aside from the fact that his shoe habits excel that of a female, he wanted these shoes to wear on a very important field trip he had today to the Courthouse. I found myself wishing I was the one who was able to afford to buy these shoes for him. I mean, do you guys remember the Nelly song “Air Force Ones?” Here, take a look!

They were a thing “back in the day” and apparently, still are.

However, I put my big girl pants on and realized “Screw That!” First of all, the song is stupid. This is where I failed as a mother, Vinnie and his taste in music, and apparently shoes. Through lessons learned, I know by Vinnie paying a stupid amount of money for these shoes, well, he will appreciate them more. He will take care of them and respect them because he worked his ass off for those, and that kind of lesson, well, you only learn that by living it. So, you good for you Vinnie! You wear your Air Force Ones and take pride in the fact that you worked your ass for them. I am proud of you kid!

…….

Me~ “Vinnie, your shoes look so good! Are you going to wear them tomorrow for court?”

Vinie~ “Can you please word that better?”

Joe ~ “Ummmm, what the hell is going on? Court?”

Me~ “It’s a field trip!!”

Vinnie’s field trip is to the Kent courthouse, where they will be following a domestic violence dispute.

……

Apparently, Vinnie and Joe are going to work on a comic book together. Joe will do the sketches, Vinnie will write the story.

Some sort of story that involves a realm, and armor, but not your typical armor. Joe and Vinnie are equally excited. They feel that their creative “spark” has been ignited. Vinnie is at the kitchen counter, notepad in hand, writing. Joe is on the sofa, sketch pad in hand, and he is, well, sketching.

Joe ~ “This is great Vinnie, I am so excited, I know we can do this!”

Vinie~ “Me too, I just do not know how to draw, but I think I can write, if not then I can ask my teacher for help with the plot.”

Me~ “Ummmm, HELLO!!!! Allow me to introduce myself, I am your mother, I am your wife, I have ten years experience writing this thing called Vodka Calling, it’s called a blog!

Joe~ “Huh?”

Vinnie~ “Mom, this is different.”

……

I have a busy day tomorrow. As I am closing in on my last days at the school, I have “Cookie Day” and a fundraiser delivery. I asked Vinnie…

“Vinnie, who is your friend, the Mexican one, what is his name?”

“Why do you want to know his name?”

“Well, because you get mad at me when I refer to him as “your Mexican friend.”

“Axel. Mom, his name is Axel.”

“Oh! That’s a cool name, like Axel Rose, from Guns N Roses.”

“Who???”

“Axel Rose. Guns N Roses. “Welcome to the Jungle.” “Sweet Child of Mine.” Axel Rose, the front man to one of the greatest groups of all time.”

Vinnie looked at me with a “deer in headlights” look.

“Never mind, go listen to your music. Drake, Kendrick, whoever it is.”

……

I picked Sofia up from school. I secretly hid in the small brush making sure no one else would see me other than Sofia. It had been a long day. I had yet to take a shower, I was wearing a cat-hair skirt, no makeup, I was tore up. It was very important for me to not be seen. Naturally, of course, Sofia did not see me.

I had to get out of the car, trying to make my cat hair skirt look appropriate for the schoolyard. I am literally yelling “SOFIA” across the parking lot, trying with all my might to get her attention.

Finally, one of her friends, okay, her only friend, saw me before Sofia did.

“Sofia, look there is your Mom, she looks weird.”

Sofia sees me, makes a mad dash across the carpool line without looking for cars. I mean I am lucky she did not get hit by a car because I was in no position to be on the evening news in my cat hair skirt.

“How was school?”

“Good! Why do you look weird?”

“I do not look weird, this is how I usually look!”

“Whatever. Do you know who Jackie Robinson is?”

“I do, why?”

“We are learning about him in school, who is he?”

“He was a baseball player!”

“Oh Mom, you are smarter than I thought.”

“Thanks?”

“So tell me, what do you know about him?”

“Ummm. Okay. So he played baseball, and Oh!!! I think there was a song written about him. Hmmm. Let me think…”

(I start humming)

Heres to you Jackie Robinson, no one loves you more than I do….woo-hooo– hoo.

So I start telling Sofia about the Jackie Robinson song. She is impressed. I am all like “Well, yeah, I am the cool mom. Tell your teacher about the song, I bet he does not know……”

“SHIT!!!!”

“Wait!!!!!”

“I Suck!!!”

“Sofia, do not listen to me.”

“What did you do now Mom?”

“It’s the wrong song!!!”

Do you guys see what I did? I totally messed up Simon and Garfunkel’s “Mrs. Robinson” and put my own “Jackie Robinson” spin on it.

God help me.

……

So, I am going to close on this note. Simon and Garfunkel’s “The Sound of Silence”

Which seems to fit with this entire blog post.

Hello darkness, my old friend
I’ve come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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One thought on “The Sound of Silence

  1. Interesting post, to say the least!
    A good part of the funk could be the big changes….. end of school year….. end of your time at that school..especially for someone who doesn’t like change…. this could be tough.
    I’m funny about changes too…. they give me a strange anxiety. The change of the seasons even works that way with me… odd. The “ end” of anything has this affect…

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