Vodka Calling Goes Stir-Crazy!

I have been cooped up in this apartment for five days. Sofia is recovering from a concussion, which means she needs to be monitored. “Brain Rest” is the name of the game. A name that I did not choose by the way. How does one rest their brain you may ask? I will tell you.

No t.v
No gaming
No bright lights
No running
No loud noises

Do you guys know how hard it is to keep a 10-year-old on “Brain Rest?” Imagine trying to put your cat on “Brain Rest.” One in the same.

Of course, I have left the apartment to take Gracie to school, run to the grocery store, and follow up Dr appointments, but those do not count. Something always comes up. Last night I had a meeting at school. Hell has apparently frozen over, and I am a “Parent Facilitator.” Like seriously, I cannot even facilitate my own life, but yeah, I got this! Sure enough, I get the call from Joe “Sofia woke up, she is crying because her head hurts. What do I do” It took me ten minutes on text to explain to him what he should do. That’s about nine minutes too long.

Jen~ “Give her 10 ml of Motrin”
Joe~ “What is ml?”
Jen~ “milliliter”
Joe~ “I do not know what that means”
Jen~ “It’s right there on the medicine cup!”
Joe~ “What is the medicine cup? I can’t use a spoon?”

Speaking of Joe. Perhaps it is because I have cabin fever, perhaps it is the vodka. I have noticed over these last five days, there are two sides to Joe. Now don’t get me wrong. Any long-time readers of this blog, you guys know I have about ten different sides to me. Some (most) of them not so pretty. (Insert link to my one post where I was threatened to be sued.) Thankfully, Joe has only seen one side of my “crazy.” (And we will keep it that way! Stewart, I am talking to you.)

On one hand, you have the amazing dad, the amazing husband, who will always do what needs to be done. He will sit up with Sofia and rub her head as she is dealing with excruciating headaches in the middle of the ER while I fight with the intake nurse on “What the hell is taking so long, my daughter is in pain?!”

At the end of his twelve-hour shift, Joe has no problem picking up cat food, waiting in a long line trying to avoid his boss, yet working off the clock if need be, all because I could not remember to pick up cat food.

Now, his “other” side is…how shall I say this? Annoying. Yes, that’s a good word. I mean I think he was seriously arguing with one of our cats about forty-five minutes ago. Apparently, the cat accidentally peed on something he should not have peed on, and I guess that “something” was Joe’s sleeping blanket. However, arguing with the cat? Really? I mean was he expecting a two-way conversation?

Joe~ “You bastard, the litter box is right fucking there!”
Cat~ “And?”
Joe~ “Asshole, now I have to do laundry!”
Cat~ “And?”

(Love you, Babe!)

I have no idea how this conversation ended. I stepped outside because I had an emergency, and by emergency I mean I had to help Christin pick out an outfit.

Oh, I am not even close to finishing. I pick Gracie up from school.

Gracie~ “What does it mean when your throat hurts?”
Me~ “Oh for the love of God, does your throat hurt?!”
Gracie~ “Yes.”
Me~ “Well, it probably means you are catching a cold.”

Gracie and I come home. Naturally, she has a fever. I break out the Motrin and the medicine cup (not a spoon). Give her a dose, plenty of liquids and send her to bed. Joe comes home.

Joe~ “Gracie looks bad, I think she is getting sick.”
Me~ “YOU THINK?”

You guys, I am losing it over here.

Joe is hardcore when the kids are sick. He is very adamant that the kids do not go to school if they even have a sniffle. When we were in the waiting room of the ER with Sofia, “Goodmorning America” did a news story on all the flu deaths this year, well, Joe just upped his hardcore-ness.

The other night, everyone was sleeping. Everyone except me. In the last five days, I probably had a total of eight hours of sleep. All of a sudden Joe’s phone notifications went off. Just like any good wife, I grabbed his phone to check out what was going on. Nothing exciting. Just email notifications. So I am sitting there, playing with his phone and thought I would have some fun. I changed my name in his phone from “Jen” to “Hot Wife” pretty confident he would not notice.

The following morning at 9:00am I get a text from him.

Joe~ “Hot Wife huh? I like it, and it’s true.”

I was laying on the sofa watching old episodes of “Friends” eating M&M’s for breakfast. I never even showered that night because….kids.

Crap. Now I need to get up, jump in the shower and try to play off that I am indeed a “Hot Wife.

I will let you know when I accomplish that.

If there is a plus side to me being cooped up in the apartment for five days straight, I believe I lost a few pounds. My “fat jeans” which were previously tight on me, are now a bit loose. However, it could very well be from me not washing them in, oh, I don’t know, five days?!

Also, if I am indeed losing weight, it is in my ass.  I do not want to lose weight in my ass! I want to lose weight everywhere else, but please for the love of God,  let me keep the boobs and ass. One of my biggest fears (unrational as it may be) is having a pancake ass. So now, I have to up my “squat game.” (Because I do not have enough to do.) Also, I cannot talk about my ass because my father reads this blog. (Shout out to Dad!)

On Monday, I lost a friend of mine. She passed away from what we think is the flu. (Another example of why Joe is so hardcore about the kids and school.) However, because I have too much damn time on my hands, I find myself questioning the events of her passing. In a brief moment of weakness, I actually contemplated calling the police today to see if they were going to investigate. I know, I know, don’t worry, it was just a very brief moment of weakness. I am telling you, I am losing it.

I was talking to my sister on the phone. Because my phone is possessed, the only place I can talk to her without losing connection is out on the balcony. We get off the phone, I slip my phone in my jacket pocket. I come inside and go to the restroom. I have no idea how this happened, but, as I was taking the phone out of my pocket to use the restroom I somehow video called my sister as I was in the process of, you know, using the restroom. Kill me now! Plus side, it was my sister and not any of the teachers at my daughter’s school.

My apartment has never been cleaner, I have binge-watched “Friends” and “Parenthood.” Most likely CSI is next because you know (refer to the previous paragraph.) I just have no idea what to do with the kids. I love having the flexibility of staying at home. I am grateful for the fact that I can be here for them, but it’s not always easy. I put so much into making sure my children are okay, as I should, but I am sorta kinda losing myself in the process.

Almost finished.

Tonight, I found myself on Petfinder. Not for me mind you, for my family…..in Texas…..who I feel desperately needs a dog. I found one too. Bella, an adorable special needs puppy who was born during Hurricane Harvey. And, because I am me, I am already attached to Bella. So, if my parents do not adopt her (Dad, I am talking to you!) I will be crushed. So, can we please make this happen. #DoItForBella

What has become of me?!?!?!

Cabin fever.

We will chalk it up to cabin fever.

Or….

Vodka.

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