Death by shower curtain….

My brother has been on deployment for a whopping three days. I mean he probably is just barely out of California, and yet I am in a funk…still. Everything that happens, or does not happen, will always come back to “Well, my brother is on deployment!”

Did not do the dishes ~ My brother is on deployment, I am depressed!

Forget to pay the car payment ~ My brother is on deployment, what more do you want from me?!

Drop the wrong kid off at school ~ Hello, deployment, I can only do so much!

Roots showing on my hair ~ What’s the point, my brother is on deployment!

Well, I finally got things in order. I paid the car payment and colored my hair. As far as the dishes and the kid goes, we will work on that tomorrow.

Now, I need to paint a picture for you. I have Nice & Easy, soft black, in my hair. The kids think I am coloring my hair purple, that is how dark of a color this is. But, I needed to do something. Who knew grey roots aged you? Even though my brother is on deployment, he would kick my ass if he knew I was allowing my roots to show.

I am now in the shower, rinsing out the Nice & Easy “soft black.” I am now standing in five inches of blue-black water.

I am now standing in five inches of blue-black water.

Crap, the drain is clogged.

I have two options.

Option 1. Continue to rinse out the color and pray that my legs do not get stained from the “soft black” that looks like purple in the standing water.

Or…..

Unclog the damn drain, because if I do not do it who else will. And, my brother is on deployment.

And, my brother is on deployment.

So there I am. Hair color in my hair, standing in inches of cancer-causing chemicals, completely naked. Naturally.

I decided it is just too much trouble for me to get dressed only to unclog a drain and then get back in the shower. So…I went to work. Naked, and with hair color in my hair.

I knelt down, being very careful not to immerse my entire lower body in the cancer-causing chemicals. I worked hard on that drain. I was determined. I can do this because my brother is on deployment!

Twenty minutes later the drain is unclogged. I mean my hair may be ready to fall out because I should have rinsed the color out about 10 minutes ago, but that’s okay. I totally got this.

Slowly, I rise, from the dirty cancer chemical infested water. My legs start to wobble. Wait….something does not feel right. I am losing my balance.

I have no idea if my legs were asleep, or the Nice & Easy slowly dripping into my eyes was throwing me off, or just plain clumsiness on my part, but I knew I was going down. I was going down hard, naked, with purple/blackish hair color, and still somewhat standing in three inches of colored water.

Quick! What do I do?!?!

I reach for the shower curtain. My Frosty, the Snowman shower curtain is staring back at me, with his corncob pipe and button nose. I reached for it like I was reaching for Jack in the freezing waters that the Titanic met its fate in.

Well, just like the Titanic, I crashed…..as did my Frosty the Snowman shower curtain.

There I am. Naked, laying in now two inches of blue-black water. My Frosty the Snowman shower curtain inches away from my face, yet somehow not covering the important areas.

This is how I am going to die. In cancer-causing infested water with Frosty the freakin Snowman looking back at me.

Ya know, if I was Sandra Bullock and Joe was Matt Damon, Matt, after hearing a loud “THUD!” would have rushed into the bathroom, scooped me up in his arms and saved me from my demise.

However, I am not Sandra and Joe is not Matt.

Instead, as I am laying there, trying to find the strength to get my ass out of the cancer-causing chemical infested water, I notice a paw under the bathroom door. My cat! One of the smart ones. It’s like he is trying to talk to me. He knows what happened. He is coming to save me.

“Mango, go, go get Joe, you can do it!”

Perhaps I watched one too many episodes of Lassie when I was a little girl.

Mango did not budge. His little paw stayed firmly in place right under the crack of the bathroom door.

Do you want to know why…….because my brother is on deployment!

Once I finally realized no one was coming to save me, I decided to reach into my inner Wonder Woman. I can do this, I can save myself. Not only can I save myself but I can save the world, however first I should start by saving myself.

I wrapped myself in my Frosty the Freakin Snowman shower curtain, made my way to the bathroom door. At the very least, I had to let Mango in. Surely the little guy was worried about me.

“It’s okay Mango, I am fine, just a little sore, but I am okay.”

Mango rushes in the bathroom, makes his way to the toilet, not giving me a second glance, and drinks the water.

Of course, he does……

because my brother is on deployment.

~Jennifer

frosty-the-snowman

 

 

 

 

 

 

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