I decided to get a free Botox consultation today.

There really is no way for me set that up, and most of you who know me will not at all be surprised that I would be interested in Botox. So, while half of you are rolling your eyes, I am going to assume the other half of you are like “Botox, please, you do not need that!”

It is important to remember this was a free consultation. I just want to keep my options open. Also, the office was right next door to my doctor’s office so I took it as a sign.

A charming little office that offered an option of coffee, tea, water, and an assortment of freshly baked pastries. This was my kind of office. Since I kind of just showed up without an appointment, I had to wait around for a bit. No problem! I helped myself to some freshly brewed coffee and half of a croissant.

Even though this was just a consult, and no needles would be entering my skin, I was still nervous. I did what I always do when I am nervous, I pace. I am now pacing, while guzzling my coffee with one hand, and cramming half of a croissant in my mouth with the other. No an easy thing to do.

Hanging on the wall are about ten different “before and after” pictures of women of various ages and ethnicity. I could not help but notice how these women looked pretty pissed off in the “before” shot, yet in the after, they looked about five years younger. As I took another bite of my buttery croissant, I noticed a “before” picture that had no “after” picture. Hmmm. I wonder why that was? Upon closer inspection I realized I was looking at a reflection of myself. Immediately, I spit the croissant out, with my only goal being how to achieve the “after” with the most minimal cost possible.

As I was contemplating my “plan of action” (perhaps I could plug their business on my blog in exchange for a sample procedure) I realized that this place would not be interested in my blog, or the 10 followers I have. On to “Plan B!!”

There was no time for me to figure out a “Plan B”

As my name was called by a lovely young woman who spoke as if she knew me for years, I was ushered back to the consult room. Which looked more like an OR. She told me to lay back on the table, and under the harshness of the flourescent lights, this very nice young woman took some sort of baby wipes out and started wiping my makeup off. “Yeah, I am just here for a consult. You know, explore my options.”

She never stopped with the wipes. In her high pitch a little too cheery voice she exclaimed “The doctor needs to get a full clean look of your face without the makeup on.”

Great.

For some reason it took her eight wipes to completely remove my makeup. Honestly, I did not even have that much on, which makes me wonder exactly what was coming off of my face. She offered me something to drink, told me to relax, and the doctor would be in shortly.

This should have been the time where I took out my cell and captured some pictures of the room I was in. You know, if I did not make it out alive, but I once again got distracted by the “before and after” pictures displayed on the wall. This time, an entirely different set.

Shortly there after the doctor came in. A tall, beautiful blond, who looked to be in her mid 50’s. She looked good. Not full of plastic, Botox, or fillers. I must find out her secret!

We started chatting, and I explained to her that I was only there to explore my options, get an estimate, and see if she could do anything about my mouth. She reached in to her starch white jacket, pulled out some glasses, and got all up and personal with my face. And now…..I am uncomfortable. She took her hand, tilted my head in every direction imaginable and would just quietly mutter “I see” “Hmmmm”

As quickly as she put her glasses on, she took them off and told me to stand up. She took a few minutes, was looking me up and down and then said “You do not need Botox, what you need to do is smile more. You have muscles in your cheek and if you do not use them they will atrophy, that is what will form the lines around your mouth. Just smile more, use your cheek muscles. When you are in your car, smile. When you are in your day-to-day life, smile. Trust me. You will save 500.00 if you just smile more.”

Clearly this woman does not know me at all. I do not smile. I am the perfect example of “Resting Bitch Face.” I mean don’t get me wrong. I was a little giddy that this beautiful, classy well put together doctor did not think I needed Botox, but at this point I figured it would be easier to pay 500.00 instead of making an effort to smile more.

I made my way to the wall of the “before and after” pictures and explained to her that I want to look like the after.

And then, then she got all serious and pulled out another pair of glasses. This time I am assuming they are just the every day wear glasses.

“Have a seat.”

I took a seat.

“Do you have children?”

“Yes. Four.”

“Do you have a husband?”

“Yes. One”

( I thought that was funny, nothing from her.)

“How is your health?”

“Great!”

“Tell me a typical daily menu for you.”

“Huh?”

“Your eating habits. Breakfast lunch and dinner, what are they?”

“Well, first thing in the morning I have a cup of coffee. Then when I take my children to school I pick up another coffee. Then around noon or so I will have some chocolate (I could tell she was not happy with that one.) Dinner usually consist of whatever my children refused to eat, or some god awful chicken recipe I found online.”

“Do you exercise?”

“Well, no, but I always have every intention to.”

“When you consume coffee, do you do drip or go to a coffee shop?”

This was an easy one.

“I do both! Drip in the morning, coffee shop when I take my children to school.”

“How many times do you go to the coffee shop?”

It was at this point that I began to wonder if the room was bugged. My family, along with everyone else I know, are all in agreement that I go to the coffee shop too often.

“Oh, well, it just depends on the day, my stress level, the budget, you know the drill.

The beautiful doctor who seemed to be itimidating, but not really, then broke out her calculator and started to rattle numbers off to her self.

“This is what you need. You need goals, you need a plan. You do not need Botox. What you need to do is make the changes now, so when the time does come, you will have the money saved up. You need to write your goals so you have a visual, you need to put it in your car, in your bathroom, in a notebook. You need to slowly ween yourself off coffee, the coffee is not doing anything for you. It is a false hope. The sugar? That is no good. Sugar produces the same type of chemical that cocaine produces. There have been Harvard studies that say……..”

Did she just tell me to get rid of coffee?????

So to recap she wants me to smile more often and ween myself off of coffee. Does anyone else see the irony in that? To me, that just does not seem possible.

She was not finished yet.

“You see this, all of this (and she either pointed to some part on my body……or was referring to my entire body) all this can go away if you get rid of coffee and sugar.”

She then ordered me to follow her to her office. I took a seat as she reached for a scratch sheet of paper and started to write passionately. I mean if I wrote with this same kind of passion that she had, I may have been published by now.

Goals

Write goals on paper.
Decrease caffeine
1 in the am
1 in the pm
drip, cream, no sugar.

She also mentioned something about drinking chia seeds, saving my coffee money for Botox down the road, if that is what I decide to do, fresh veggies and exercise.

I was overwhelmed. Not going to lie. A needle piercing my skin ten times seemed less nerve-racking than this. I mean was I certain I was even the right office? Maybe I entered a wrong door, instead of the Botox office, I ended up in the office of a life coach?

“I want to see you back in four months. In four months we will reconnect, and if you made the proper changes, then I will be more than happy to go over the basics with you. For now, work on these goals. Feel free to make them your own. Do not say you want to lose 20 pounds, you say you want to release 20 pounds. It is all about being positive, and changing the way you think……”

Just then, the office door opened. “I am sorry to interrupt, your 10:30 is here.”

The doctor quicky said good-bye, made me promise to come back in four months, and handed me the scratch piece of paper that she wrote her notes on.

Before I knew it, I was back in my car. Some good ol Blue Oyster Cult playing on the radio while I was examineing my face in the rear view mirror, taking the last forty five minutes all in.

Hmmm.

I had the scratch piece of paper in my hands, “Burnin For You” blasting from the radio, and I thought, maybe, just maybe, she was right.

Maybe she is on to something, and perhaps, it really does begin with a smile.

(but this whole smiling thing will take some getting used to, so no one better give me a hard time over that!)