Christin

There was a knock on the door one evening. It was Alphonso and all of his stuff. He looked defeated and tired. He came in and put his stuff down. I asked him what happened between him and Pat. He didn’t want to talk about it. So, I left it at that.

The apartment became super crowded. T, Jen and Vinnie in one room, me in another and Alphonso was on the couch. He wasn’t too happy about that but he also didn’t have a job at the moment, so his complaints were unfounded as far as I was concerned. With tension already in the apartment, Alphonso coming back just added fuel to the fire.

T and Alphonso didn’t like each other for obvious reasons. Alphonso had an attitude when he came back from Yakima which rubbed everyone the wrong way. Jen and I didn’t see eye to eye on anything related to T. So there it was. We were all living together but we all needed our own space.

Soon after Alphonso came back he got his job back at Wal-Mart. It was the 1st of the month and rent was due.

“Alphonso, we need to pay rent”

“I am not paying all of my part of rent because one of my cd’s is missing”

I don’t know what pissed me off more. Him insinuating that I stole his CD or him refusing to pay all of his rent. I had done nothing but help him out and he had the audacity to do this. And now I would have to pay whatever rent he didn’t want to pay. When the truth was he probably spent it on an expensive bag or make-up. I was done. This was the last straw.

My friend Shawn had asked me if I wanted to move into her house. It was just her and she needed to rent out a room to make the mortgage. This was my way out and I didn’t waste any time. I went down to the apartment office and took my name off the lease. That was a huge relief. I wasn’t going to be responsible for anything from here on out. If Alphonso didn’t want to pay rent then at least I wasn’t going to have to deal with it. If T was punching holes throughout the apartment, I wouldn’t have to worry about it.

I didn’t realize how stressful the situation had become until I was gone. I told Jen and Alphonso I was moving out. I think they sensed my frustration and understood why. It didn’t matter if they did or didn’t, I was leaving regardless of how they felt. Nobody had cared how I felt so why should I care. I packed my stuff and box by box I loaded it into my car. Everyone was gone while I moved each box. There was no goodbye. There was no see you later. Nothing. I couldn’t move my stuff out any faster. I couldn’t get away any faster. I drove away and never looked back. Too much was said and done to be taken back.

Fast forward three months… I hadn’t really talked to Jen and Alphonso. We would say Hi in passing at work. An occasional few minutes of small talk here and there at work. But that was it. I heard through the grapevine that T and Jen had broken up. I didn’t know the details and quite frankly I didn’t care about them. But when I did hear that they did break up, I felt a moment of relief. I knew that she wouldn’t have to deal with his crazy ass anymore.

After the breakup, I noticed a huge change in Jen. I almost didn’t recognize her. She wasn’t wearing make-up anymore. She looked like the walking dead with dark circles under her eyes. One day I overheard her talking to another coworker in the bathroom. She didn’t know I was listening to her conversation. She was crying.

“I can’t believe he left me…he left me with nothing. Now what am I supposed to do?!”

She was a mess. I wanted to reach out but didn’t know how. Even though I didn’t leave on the greatest terms with Jen and Alphonso, that didn’t mean that I didn’t wish them the best and want them to be happy. Because I did.

Sometimes pride gets in the way. And maybe that was it. I let my pride get in the way.

”So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits I hope you have found a friend.

Closing Time,

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.’’

Jennifer

Three months later.

I just wanted to be hugged. I wanted to feel safe and secure in someones arms. Not in a sexual way, not in a “family” way. I just needed to feel safe from someone who I did not owe anything to, someone who cared about me because of me. I craved to feel protected, from someone who was not going to blindside me.

It was an early Thursday morning. On this particular day, I was working the early shift. I am sitting on the edge of bed, while T is starting to get up. He was going to jump in the shower while I got the baby ready. We would drop Vinnie off at daycare. T would then drop me off at work, run his errands, and then pick me up at 4. Except, something was off.

As soon as he got up, I saw there was a  wad of cash laying on the bed. As if it had fallen out of his pocket. He is in the bathroom that is connected to the master bedroom. He could not see me, but I could see him. I looked at this stack of cash, all 100 dollar bills. My gut instinct was to take it. Take it and hide it and keep my mouth shut. Instead what happened was, he came out of the bathroom and I gave him the cash. “Oh, this must have fallen out of your pocket?”

He grabbed it, went to take his shower and shut the door. I assumed since it was the first of the month, it was for rent.

The morning went as planned. We dropped the baby off at daycare, he dropped me off at work. He gave me a hug and told me he would pick me up at 4.

At 3 o’clock, I was in the backroom working the freight. A co worker from the service desk came to the backroom and gave me the car keys. “T said to give these to you, something came up and he cannot pick up your son.”

Something was not right. I talked to my boss, got permission to get off early. I had an hour before I needed to pick up Vinnie . I drove home in the hopes that maybe T was just tired and taking a nap.

The apartment was trashed. All of my belongings were scattered everywhere. All of my cd’s were sprawled across the floor. My movies were gone. My clothes were at the bottom of the closet, and his clothes were gone.

There was no trace of T anywhere.

He left me.

I racked my brain trying to figure out why. I did everything right. I put up with his abuse, I put up with his cheating, I put up with so much, just to be loved in the way I thought I needed to be loved. It was all in vain, because at the end of the day, he left me.

And I never saw him again.

 

 

 

Christin

Big holes. Multiple holes in Jen and T’s bedroom.

They kept the door to their room closed all the time. But one day I caught a glimpse inside of it. There were holes on every wall. What was I missing? Yeah I knew T had a temper but to what extent I didn’t know. He was really careful when I was around. I would hear them arguing on occasion but I never saw him lay a hand on her. I never heard him punch holes in the wall. I saw the control he had over her and I swear I tried to talk to her.

Maybe I didn’t do enough. Maybe there was something more I could’ve done. That will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. I tried to tell her to leave him and that he was bad news. But even when he was in jail for a short stint for warrants, she was still under his control and manipulation.

“Do you want to go with me to Kent to visit T?” My first thought was “hell no, I hope he rots in there”, but being a good friend, I agreed to go. I had never been to a jail before. It was gritty and scary. The paint was falling off the walls and the bars slamming shut is a sound that will forever stay with me. I waited in the lobby while Jen went back to visit T. As I’m sitting there I am surrounded by people that look like they themselves should be behind bars. I felt vulnerable and out of place.

There was a creepy guy sitting next to me that kept trying to engage in conversation with me. “So, who are you here to see?” he asked. “Nobody. My friend is here to see someone.” I told him. No eye contact of course. He kept trying to ask me questions. “Do you stay around here?” “Do you have a man?” I sure don’t. But I’m pretty sure a jail lobby is the last place on earth I would go looking for a man. My standards weren’t extremely high but even I had my limits. Eventually, I had to move seats. This guy was persistent and probably a serial killer. I kept watching the clock, every minute felt like an hour. Finally, she came out. I had never felt so relieved.

“I have to put money on his books” Once again my first thought was “let him live on bread and water”, but I kept my thoughts to myself. Again. We stopped at the front where she put money on his books so he could have the “extras”. I had never been so happy to leave a place. That would be the first and last time I would ever see the inside of a jail. Where was Alphonso when I needed some back-up? Oh, that’s right. He was playing house with Pat.

Jen and Alphonso kept in contact. Me, not so much. Jen would keep me updated on the “Alphonso and Pat” saga. Alphonso was cooking dinners and being a housewife. I never once saw Alphonso cook anything but in the microwave. So this was all interesting news to hear. They were having their issues as couples sometimes do. But from what I heard, Alphonso was happy and that’s all that mattered. So when Jen told me she needed to talk, I was caught completely off-guard.

“Alphonso wants to move back” “Move back where? Here?” I asked. Still in shock. “DUH, where else would he go?” She replied. The truth was there was tension in the house. T didn’t like me and I didn’t like T. We tolerated each other and that was it. I didn’t like who Jen had become with T, therefore I began to feel a strain on our friendship. And now Alphonso coming back to the apartment. Alphonso, the person who had champagne taste on a beer budget. He loved his Prada, Gucci and MAC make-up, forgetting about rent and utilities. Someone had to pick up the slack, and that someone was mostly me because Jen had a baby to take care of now.

I was ready to leave.

I was at my breaking point.

I didn’t know when or how but I needed to leave soon.

Jennifer

“No one knows what its like
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind brown eyes
No one knows how to say
That they’re sorry and don’t worry
I’m not telling lies”

After Alphonso moved to Yakima, to live with Pat, everything slowly started to change.

I went through separation issues. You have got to understand, as soon as Alphonso and I met, we were inseparable. I became hugely dependent on him. For everything.

He would always do my makeup for me, spending hours teaching me his makeup tricks, and in the end, was never quite satisfied by my own results. He would pluck my eye brows and call me a “pussy” when I would tell him “IT HURTS!”

Whether I was going out or going to work, Alphonso would  help me with my outfit. On the occasion or two when I would pick my own outfit out, all it would take was one look from him and I knew I was not quite getting it. He claimed I was stuck in the 80’s.

We would watch our favorite movie together, Titanic. “You jump I jump” became our saying, our cath phrase to eachother when things were not-so-good. It was our own way of letting the other know, I got you!

When he moved, Alphonso and I quickly found ourselves in a new routine. We would call each other daily, multiple times. He took on his new role of being a housewife, and even though it was so not him, he seemed to enjoy it. Pat would leave for work in the early morning hours, and Alphonso would stay home, clean the house, call me to gossip and always made sure to have dinner on the table for when Pat got home from work.

This was an Alphonso I was not quite used to. I mean his idea of dinner was a cocktail and smoke.

Christin was branching off more, doing her own thing. We still hung out, just not quite as often. I knew things were changing, and it was only a matter of time before I knew what would happen. She would leave too.

One night after I hung up with Alphonso, T had one of his fits.

“Who were you talking to?”

“Alphonso”

“How do I know you were talking to Alphonso?”

“Because I am telling you that is who I was talking to.”

BOOM!

He pulled the phone out of the wall and threw it across the room. It hit the other wall, and left a nice size hole.

“You want to fuck him don’t you? Have you fucked him before? Why are you always talking to him?”

I knew I had one of two options on how to handle this latest outburst. I can sit there and not say anything at all, waiting it out until it passes, or I can stand up for myself for once.

Was I prepared for the consequences? It would not be good, Could  I sit there and let him go on about Alphonso and I sleeping together? That pissed me off. I missed my friend, and I just wanted to have support. T could not even give it to me. All he did was accuse me of sleeping with my best friend, who is gay!

I took the pony-tail holder I had off my wrist and slowly pulled my hair back. Time had taught me in the past that if T goes crazy when my hair is down, that is the first thing he goes for. I did a quick survey of the room, trying to locate any more open objects that he may throw at me,  I discreetly took off my dangling earrings, as that would be the second thing he would go for.

“I am not going to dignify your questions with a reply, if you think so little of me, why are you….”

That’s all it took. He rushed over to me, his face inches away from mine, yelling at me as loud as he could.

“What did you say Bitch? I can kill you right now, get that straight.”

I was shaking both inwardly and outwardly, I was letting my fear be shown and he knew it.

“Don’t you ever disrespect me like that again. You fucken whore.”

He spat in my face, and left, slamming the door so hard, that the few pictures we had hanging up fell off the wall.

I quickly got up, locked the door, washed my face, and called Alphonso.

“What do you want, I am cooking dinner!”

I could not say a word, I was crying, and he knew it.

“What happened? Talk to me, remember , you jump I jump.”

 

Christin

There are times in your life when you wish you could be anywhere but where you are at. This was one of those times.

I saw Scotty walk in the door. With tears falling down his face, he came over to me. I stood up. I didn’t know what to do. I was thinking of things I could say. “Sorry for your loss” (Lame) “Are you okay?” (Duh, his best friend and brother-in-law just died, how the hell do you think he’s feeling) I just wanted to say something helpful. Instead, he grabbed me and hugged me. He really hugged me. Here I am holding the man that had lied to me for months and had lead me on. He was a mess. He was crying, his body shaking and expecting me to comfort him. And guess what…I did. That is what a “fixer” does.

The next few days were spent helping Shawn, Scotty and the family. I spent some nights with Shawn because she didn’t want to be alone in her big, new house that her and husband had just bought. She needed someone there with her and that was me.

Scotty wanted me to help him put together picture collages of his beloved brother-in-law. I did everything he needed. I did it because I wanted to but also because there was a small glimmer of hope that maybe we could work things out. I had seen another side of him; a side I wanted to see more of.

Soon after the memorial, Scotty called me. He wanted to talk. I knew from the tone of his voice this wouldn’t be a “good” talk. But I obliged anyways and met him at the Starbucks down the street. He was sitting at the table in the corner. I sat down across from him. He grabbed my hands. I remember looking down at my nails and thinking “it’s a good thing I just got my nails done”. Welcome to my random and sometimes ridiculous thoughts.

“I’m really sorry about everything” I felt my guard go up. I wasn’t going to let him see any emotion. “It’s ok” I said, void of any feeling. “I know I’ve been a real asshole. You are a really great girl. Maybe in the future we can see what happens, but not now. I am trying to get my shit together.” I wanted to scream” WHY NOT NOW? WHY NOT ME?” But I didn’t. Instead I mumbled something about understanding where he is coming from and I hope he finds what he is looking for. “I’m moving to Tennessee” And that was that. We hugged and said goodbye. We parted ways and that would be the last time I ever saw him.

I will always be somewhat grateful for the lessons that Scotty taught me when I was 21. He put me in situations that I will never witness again in my lifetime. He also made me realize that just because people have potential to be something better, this does not always guarantee that will happen. Lesson learned. Maybe. “Life’s about changing, nothing ever stays the same” Those lyrics from one of my all-time favorite songs couldn’t be truer.

Alphonso told us he was leaving. He told us he was going to live with Pat. What did I miss? I am always the last to know everything! All I really heard was “ride” “Yakima” “Pat” “relationship” Once again, I guess that was that.

Jen was emotional when saying good-bye to Alphonso. That’s an understatement. She was balling her eyes out, holding on to him for dear life. I held it together a little bit better. It would just be me and Alphonso making the trip to Yakima. We would deal with the emotions later. After ripping Jen off of Alphonso, we were off.

Alphonso was pretty quiet. I was too. Memories of all the adventures Alphonso and I had begun to flood my thoughts. Like the time we were at Barnes and Noble at 10pm on a Saturday night a couple years ago. “Chrissy, let’s go to Hollywood” “Hollywood?! “ “Yeah let’s go now.” “Ok, lets go. “ Talk about spontaneous. 15 minutes later and a tank full of gas we were on the highway headed south. We drove all night and in the morning as the sun came up, we hit Santa Monica Blvd. We went to the Santa Monica Pier and walked on the beach. We went and saw the stars on the Hollywood walk of fame. But the highlight of the trip was seeing The Beverly Wilshire Hotel where the movie “Pretty Woman” was filmed. My life was complete seeing this.

Alphonso and I definitely had the same taste in adventures. Alphonso was with me when I went to a club for the first time. The music was so loud. I remember thinking to myself “is it possible for ears to bleed” because it felt like they were. Definitely not my kind of club. Alphonso and I got matching tattoos by a world renowned tattoo artist named “Pinky” Unfortunately by the time we got our tattoos by Pinky, he was 90 years old and blind. But that’s okay. I loved our matching Chinese writing tattoos we got on the seedy side of San Francisco. Most importantly, Alphonso had been there when no one else was.

We pulled up to the grey mobile home in the middle of nowhere. “Is this it” I asked. “This is it” Alphonso replied. I sensed some hesitation in his voice. We got out and I helped him get his stuff out of the car. “You can call me anytime and I will come get you” I had to put that out there. “Ok” he said with some sadness in his eyes. He was trying to hide it but I saw a glimpse. We hugged and said our goodbyes.

I knew that wouldn’t the last of Alphonso. I knew that we would see him again. I just didn’t know when.

 

Jennifer

Believe it or not, things were, dare I say normal at the apartment. I mean of course T and I had our share of issues, but there was no physical abuse in front of the baby.

I do not really know what exactly it was about T that kept me from kicking him out. Other than being afraid for my safety. A part of me felt so loyal to him, because he was such a big part in getting the baby back. Then, in his own way, he loved me. At least I thought he did, and I just wanted to be loved. My brokenness and all. I over looked a lot when it came to him, and just went on with life with a baby.

Christin was hanging out more with her work friends. It was a nice change for her. We still had our time. We still lived together, and on occasion she would attempt to cook us all dinner. It got to the point where once we knew she was cooking, one of us had to discretely disable the smoke detector, because, it was that bad.

Alphonso and I were closer than ever. We still worked the same shift, we still had our lunch and breaks together, he still gave me crap on my fashion choices,and I still gave him crap on everything else. After work, we would come home, put the baby to bed, and then play cards and have a cocktail.

T always made his feelings known for Alphonso. He did not like Alphonso and was jealous I spent so much time with him. I made it know in the very beginning of T and I, that Alphonso and I were a packaged deal. You take one, you take both of us. There was always some sort of tension going on between those two, yet, they made it work for the most part.

Because of me.

There was a good mix between us all. Different, but good.

Then there was the night that changed everything.

Christin was in the kitchen cooking dinner. T dismantled the smoke detector, while I was putting the baby to bed. Alphonso was on his way home and already gave us all the “heads up” that he needed to have a “Roommate Meeting.” We all figured he would be short on rent, and needed one of us to cover him. It was a pattern that we all (except T) happily adapted to.

An hour after Christin’s concoction of “chicken” was consumed, Alphonso came home. As soon as he walked into the door, I knew something was up. He did not look like he needed money. When he needed money, he was more hesitant, and for once in his life would beat around the bush, this time was different.

T came over to sit by me on the sofa, and Christin made her way, leftover chicken and all, to the love-seat. Alphonso kind of took his place in the center of the room and asked Christin “Hey, can I catch a ride with you tomorrow to Yakima?”

This was nothing new. Christin would go visit her family about once a month in Yakima. Alphonso knew her family. A time or two he would go with her to Yakima. Christin agreed, and that was that. The good news was T and I would have the apartment to ourselves this weekend, and the bad news was T and I would have the apartment to ourselves this weekend.

Alphonso made his way to the kitchen to make himself a Cosmo, and me a rum and coke. I did not ask for it, he just knew. As he hands me my drink, and orders me to “drink up!” He told us all. “Also, I am moving to Yakima and will not be coming back.”

I was caught so off guard I spat out the little bit of rum and coke that was in my mouth, Christin looked at me, and of course T looked like he had just heard the best news ever. After that, everything happened so fast.

“What do you mean you are moving there and not coming back? Are you messing with me?”

“Nope! It is time for a change, I am moving in with Pat, we are in a relationship, God, you are so blind at times.”

Back the hell up? Did I just hear that right? Alphonso is moving to Yakima to live with Pat? The same Pat who was our roommate? The same pat who tried to get into the pants of both Christin and I? What?

Christin and I needed answers, while T was pretty much patting himself on the back, as if he saw this coming a mile a way.

T did not see it coming. No one saw it coming.

“I mean there is not much to tell. We have corresponded since he left, and we decided to give it a shot.”

I was speechless. I did not know what was happening and Christin could read it on my face. My eyes told her she needed to take over, because although I was in shock, I was also on the verge of tears.

“But Pat is not gay!”

Alphonso took a sip of his Cosmo while looking at me, then looking at Christin. He avoided  the  Cheshire grin on T’s face.

“Well maybe you bitches turned him gay.”

I had had enough. I needed answers. I needed to know something more than Alphonso’s sarcastic replies to Christins questions.

And then it happened. The flashbacks.

Pat would walk Alphonso to work.

Pat would bring Alphonso lunch to work.

Pat and Alphonso had a lot of late night talks.

The look on Alphonso’s face when he thought I had slept with Pat.

The look on Alphonso’s face when Christin and I were fighting over Pat.

It was all starting to make sense. Right in front of our eyes, yet we were too blind to see it. Alphonso was falling hard for Pat. (No pun intended.)

And then just what I always do, when my emotions get the best of me, I cried. I cried the big kind of ugly cry and I broke down. I begged and pleaded with him to stay. I needed him. Alphonso was not only a great friend, he was family. He was my wing man, and he knew how to fix me when I was broken.

As I am in tears, letting it all out, Christin and T are looking at me as if I had lost what was left of my mind. After everything, it cannot end this way.

I cannot lose my friend.

“For the first time in a long time
Everyone was ready
No one said a word and that simply said it all”