Jennifer

There was never any huge discussion on what our living circumstances would be. How long would we each be there. We talked about rent and decided rent split four ways was too good to pass up. . Although each of us four were fighting our own demons, we made it work.

The next few weeks I would categorize as a “Ghetto Friends” episode or two. Pat was your “Joey”, Alphonso was your “Chandler”, Christin was your “Phoebe” (You will understand this as time goes on.) and I was your “Monica” (only because I had fancy guest towels that no one was allowed to use and everyone use to torment with that.)

I would spend my mornings making phone calls after phone calls trying to figure out exactly what it was I needed to do legally to get my baby back. Every single door continued to close in my face. It was only a matter of time before I would have to take the law into my hands.

The four of us were inseparable. We did everything together. Coffee before work, lunch at work and dinner afterwards. Whether we out to Tony Roma’s or Christin attempted to cook chicken, we did it all together. There was an old school dive bar within walking distance from out apartment. We would hang out there, listening to the current top 40 hits while playing pool and drinking cheap drinks. It was a nice escape from our private reality.

On one occasion , that we called “Our Roommate Bonding Time” we went to get a tattoo. Actually, I got the tattoo but they came with me. I have always been a cat person. I decided on five little paw prints near my collar-bone. It was and still is adorable. Christin came back with me, because I was a nervous wreck. The guy wanted me to take my shirt off, and I declined, telling him that I am too shy. He gave me a cover up. Christin was by my side as I dealt with the worst amount of pain I had ever felt. Important to note, I had given birth to two children, I can deal with pain. Tattoo pain, not so much. This sucker hurt more than giving birth.

I may have almost passed out after it was complete. Perhaps Pat, Christin and Alphonso will tell you that. I will just say it was low blood sugar.

The dynamic between all of was great. No one ever felt left out. If we were in the mall and Christin and Alphonso saw a great sale, Pat and I would hang back and let them do their thing. If Alphonso and I wanted to hit the makeup counter, Pat and Christin would hang back and do their thing. If one of us was short on money, the other’s always covered them, it was a great arrangement, until it wasn’t.

Insecurities are evil. They are the spawn of Satan, and  will come in to cause trouble just when you least expect it. Much like an unwelcomed guest. A shift had taken place. There was no one specific incident. Just four people dealing with their own insecurities, and trying to deal with them the best they could.
And sometimes not in the best way.

I was still young. A young mother with two children who I currently did not have. I felt worthless. If I were to be honest, I always felt that way,  even before meeting Pat, Christin and Alphonso. As a young girl I never felt good enough, I never felt pretty enough, I never felt smart enough. I spent way too much time comparing myself to others. This makes no sense to me because I really did have the best childhood ever, insecurities and all.

This new change in my life just messed with me. It got into my head and was eating away and what little confidence I may have had. I needed to feel I was something more. I needed to feel pretty. I needed to feel wanted.

So, when Pat started to flirt with me, I went with it.

I went with it against my better judgement.