Jennifer

There was never one specific moment of resolution.

Christin and Me went through all of the emotions of what just transpired. Anger, defeat, sadness, confusion. It just clicked with us. We had had the answer all along. We just never saw it because we were fighting our demons a long the way.

Pat used us individually. We would not let him,  in a brief chapter in our life, end us.

We would always be Christin, Alphonso and Jen. No matter what, it would be us three. Through thick and thin.

Until, one of us was taken away.

Christin

Then there were just the three of us.

Jen and I were standing face to face with Alphonso in the middle. Jen and I were both a mess. We looked at each other and I honestly didn’t know what was going to happen next, but I was ready for anything. If she was gonna come at me, I would be ready.
But that didn’t happen.
I think after a few moments passed, we realized how ludicrous it was to be fighting over Pat. Some guy that I didn’t even like more than just a friend. I didn’t have feelings for him nor did I want him. The person I wanted was 1,000 miles away and after many months, it was clear he didn’t want me anymore. So in that moment something became very obvious to me.
I was fighting myself. Not Jen, not Pat, just my insecurities and my broken heart.
Alphonso went to the kitchen to whip up some of our favorite cocktails. Jen and I sat down on separate couches. We were suddenly clear-headed and somewhat sober. I needed to get some answers.
“So what is going on with you and Pat?” I asked. She looked at me with defeat in her eyes. She shook her head, saying nothing. I began to tell her the whole story of what had transpired that evening with Pat and I. Alphonso brought me a fruity drink and Jen her rum and coke. We all just sat there sipping our drinks and looking at each other, while I filled them in on the events. After, I finished my rendition of “Christin and Pat’s night gone wild”, we all just looked at each other. Alphonso even looked defeated. Was I missing something?
It was Jen’s turn. She began with “It started out with flirting and then…” I understood how she could’ve gotten sucked into Pat’s web. After seeing what he was capable of, his true self began to emerge.
Nothing more had to be said. I understood her and she understood me. It was merely a case of 2 young ladies wanting nothing more than attention and affection at a desperate time in their lives. We were able to smooth things out, but the next few months would bring unforeseen changes to Apartment B303.

Jennifer

I reluctantly came out of the bathroom.

If I had my way, I would have continued to stay in there. Listening to my music, The Wallflowers, while smoking my cigarettes. In fact the only reason I did come out was because I was out of cigarettes.

While in there, I was trying to make sense of the events that just happened. Alphonso and I came home and the shit had already hit the fan. Christin is literally running after Pat with an object in hand. Pat ran past Alphonso and I as we were coming in the door, followed by Christin, chasing him outside.

Alphonso and I knew what we had to do. Go make a drink. As he was making his Cosmo, Christin came back inside, headed to her bedroom and slammed the door. Alphonso and I exchanged an all-knowing glance, we knew we would have to do some sort of damage control. We did rock, paper, scissors. He got Christin, and I got Pat. Alphonso went to Christin’s room while I attempted to go outside and find Pat. But not before I made my rum and coke.

I headed out side, cigarette in one hand, drink in the other. I spent about 30 whole seconds, and decided “screw it.” It was too dark, and I knew Pat. If he did not want to be found, he was not going to be found. He would come back when he was ready. He always did. Our house was the safe house.

As soon as I entered the apartment, I knew Alphonso and Christin were talking. I had faith he would have it under control. That is how we worked, that is what made us work. We always knew what needed to be said.

I was getting my clothes together so I could take a quick shower, and that is when I heard it. Christin was telling Alphonso what had happened between her and Pat. I could not believe what I was hearing. How could he do this? I thought Pat and I had something, or at least the very early stages of something.

I lost it. I felt broken. I felt I was not good enough. I wondered what was wrong with me. Surely I must not have done something right if he went to Christin. It was me. I suck. My life was a mess. I had two sons, who I was trying to get back, it was not an easy process. I found comfort in alcohol and Pat. When he would kiss me, I knew that I was pretty. When he hugged me, I felt it mattered. When he wanted to have sex with me, I felt in control. And….and now, I learn that none of that was the case. No one wanted me. No one should. I was a mess.

In that bathroom, closed off, yet, willing to fight Christin over Pat.

When I opened the bathroom door, I had no idea which way this was going to go.
I also did not care. There was not much more I could take.

Christin

Jen and Alphonso took one look at us. In that moment, I didn’t care what I looked like. Sure, I was wet, disheveled and had a ceramic object in my hand, but my main focus was on Pat.

As Pat saw me coming around the corner, I began to scream at him. “Get the *expletive* out of here!” and “Who the *expletive* do you think you are?” I was angry at him. But more importantly, I was angry at myself for making a bad decision and putting myself in this precarious position.

I charged towards Pat and he opened the door to the apartment and fled. I ran after him and threw the toothbrush holder at him. I missed, unfortunately. I slowly walked back up the stairs, not wanting to open the door. I didn’t want to face Jen or Alphonso. I didn’t want to talk about what was done and what was said. I just wanted to forget any of this had happened and go back to the way it was before.
I opened the door, which felt like Pandora’s Box. I walked in and made a beeline to my room. I shut the door and just as I was going to lay down, I hear “knock, knock”. It was Alphonso. He wanted to know what had happened. I began explaining the evening’s events to him. I didn’t see Jen, but she happened to over hear what I was telling Alphonso.
All of sudden, she stomped down the hall and slammed the bathroom door. I had no idea what her issue was. So, I yelled through the door “What is the matter?” Jen responds “Well now that he has you, he doesn’t want me anymore!” I had no idea what she was talking about. Apparently, my naivety and obliviousness were in full effect. She began screaming through the door.

And then it clicked.
Pat and Jen had a thing. Or did they? I was confused. I had never seen anything between them. No flirting, no chemistry, not anything. But maybe I was wrong. I asked her through the locked bathroom door what she was talking about. Silence.
I looked at Alphonso and then I knew. She thought I was trying to steal Pat away from her. I don’t know if it was the alcohol or the day’s events but I became enraged. I pounded on the door and told her to come out. If she had something to say, she needed to come out and say it.

“Come out, let’s do this” I screamed. I banged on the door and she began screaming back. Now, I must preface this with I have never been in a physical altercation ever. I told Alphonso that I didn’t need this drama. Alphonso was just standing there with a blank look on his face, standing between me and the door. A few minutes passed.
I heard the click of the lock.
And then Jen opened the door and came out.

Jennifer

“What do you mean what happened? Nothing happened!”

Alphonso looked at me with his all-knowing smirk. Like he knew something I was not privy to.

“Oh, I am sorry, the fact that you had no clothes on led me to believe otherwise!”

I lit up a half of a day old cigarette, which I quickly regretted because, well, it was stale.

“It only looks like I do not have clothes on, look, see, I was a good girl.”

I opened up the blanket that was wrapped around me to reveal that I was indeed in a pair of shorts and a tank top.

“Okay, I mean I was not a total good girl, but I did not do what you clearly think I did.”

That is when I first noticed it. The look of disappointment. He was almost sad. Not for what I  did or did not do, because let’s face it, Alphonso had seen a lot worse than what I was showing him. There was something more to it. He was sad for a different reason.

A reason that I would not understand until just a few short weeks later.

______________

Shortly after the “Pat and I just messed around” incident, things went on as normal. Except “our” normal was anything but normal.

Alphonso and I came home from work one day to a scene straight out of Jerry Springer, and it would only get worse as the night went on.

Pat was in the living room, it looked as if he had just gotten off the phone, and Christin had just turned the corner with some sort of object in her hand. Alphonso looked at Pat, we looked at Christin, we looked at each other.

Little did we know the next five hours were going to be a game change for our little group.

Things would never be the same again.

 

Christin

Since meeting Pat, I had to admit I was a bit in awe of him. More importantly, I liked how he could make you feel like you were the only one in a room, when you were surrounded by 20. His charismatic smile and deep blue eyes could be mesmerizing. I thought to myself on more than one occasion “I could never be with someone like that, he’s way out of my league.”
The four of us went to lunch one day as we often did. We went to this quaint little restaurant called “Village Inn”. The four of us sat in the big round booth. I remember looking over at Pat and before I could stop the words from coming out of my mouth, I said “You look like you could be on a soap opera”. Everybody stopped talking and looked at me. I felt my face get red and hot. What the hell did I just say? Jen gave me the “What the hell is going on” look. Alphonso looked like he wanted to scream “You are so dumb” and then there was Pat. I think Pat knew he was a good looking guy and his ego proceeded him. He gave me a million dollar smile. I wanted to crawl underneath the table and run out of the place. I didn’t. The awkward silence diminished and every resumed the normal conversation about Alphonso’s latest make-up purchase, Jen’s take on the latest drama at work and the plans for the upcoming weekend.
After my ridiculous outburst at lunch, I wished I could take it back. Sometimes my naivety was undeniable. I had limited experience with the opposite sex and still felt so awkward even talking to guys. I was self-conscious and my lack of self-esteem was transparent. Especially with Pat. He saw right through me.
So, when he asked me to go out with him one evening. I said yes.
Jen and Alphonso were working swing shift that night. I worked day shift and Pat happened to be home when I walked in from work.
“You want to go to the bar and shoot some pool” he asked. I was hesitant. We had never been anywhere alone, other than the time we all four went to the mall and somehow he and I ended up in Zumiez. Just the two of us.
I told him I would go. I jumped in the shower and got some clean jeans on and my old navy hoodie. I threw my hair up and did a quick make-up job. Who was I going to impress? It was just Pat.
We jumped into my car and headed to the bar up the street. As were walking in the bartender waved and with a smile said “hey, it’s you guys again”. I couldn’t help but think, do we really come here that often? The truth is we did. And they knew us by name.
I had forgotten my debit card at home and Pat only had a few bucks in cash so he ordered to two pitchers of beer. I hate beer. I really wanted my long island iced tea but didn’t feel like going back home. So nasty, bitter beer it was. We racked up the pool balls and I was the one to break. Unfortunately, my pool playing skills were as about as good as my social skills. Basically, they both sucked. So Pat, being the self-proclaimed professional pool player, he thought he would teach me a thing or two. He came up behind me as to teach me how to aim the stick. “Hit it like this” he said. The closeness was uncomfortable yet exciting. I could feel my face growing hot. I’m not sure if it was embarrassment or the alcohol. I looked over and we had already drank both pitchers of beer.
We had some conversation while shooting pool. At one point I realized that the room was spinning. I knew I wouldn’t be able to drive. Pat offered and I threw him the keys.
The next thing I know we are walking up the stairs to the apartment. The room was spinning and I needed to lay down. I went into my room and sat on the floor. Pat followed me asking if I was ok. I just needed the room to stop spinning and I would be ok. He brought me a glass of water and sat down next to me. I leaned on him for support and he put his arm around me. For the first time since I had been with Freddie, I hadn’t had an arm around me. An arm that I had longed for, even if it wasn’t the one I wanted. The next thing I know his lips touched mine. I reciprocated the best I could, with a spinning room and a pounding head. I don’t know how much time went by but I suddenly felt sick. I sprang up and ran to the bathroom. It must’ve been the beer. Pat came in asked if I was ok. I clearly wasn’t. He helped me get up and get into the bath tub, fully clothed. He turned the shower on and said it would make feel better. I closed my eyes and let the water fall on my face, wishing that everything would stop spinning. I turned the water off and could hear him in the next room talking to someone on the phone. I vaguely heard “I love you, Val…I want to be with you….let me come home…” Bits and pieces of this conversation are echoing through the apartment. I felt used in that moment. Even it was just a kiss, it made me so angry. The anger was fueled by the alcohol and I jumped out of the tub and grabbed the first thing I saw. It was a ceramic toothbrush holder off the sink. Pat had gotten off the phone as I rounded the corner to the living room. The front door opened. Jen and Alphonso took one look at me and one look at Pat.
The next moments would be straight out of a Jerry Springer episode.

Jennifer

The flirting began innocently enough.

A touch on the arm, an extra long glance, staying up later and hanging out after everyone else went to bed. Many talks about sex. Usually, alcohol was involved. It was our vice and we each needed it for our own reasons. At least at the time we thought we did.

One time the four of us went to the mall together. It was one of those fancier malls. The only thing I was able to afford was a cookie from the Mrs. Fields stand, outside of the mall. Coach, Gucci, Michael Kors. Christin, Pat and I were so out of our element. Alphonso was in heaven.

Alphonso and a reluctant Christin headed into a store while Pat and I hung back, talking about our kids. I feel we really opened up,we were able to understand each other in a way that one only could if you had children of your own, and then, did not. I felt closer to him. I felt we had a special bond, because we “got it.”

During this same trip to the mall, there was a period where Pat and Christin just took off and did their own thing. I was jealous. I was an insecure jealous girl and wondered to myself “How could he go and talk with her after the conversation we just had?”

Alphonso picked up on what I was feeling. He told me not to worry about it. “Pat is just being Pat.” Alphonso was right.  I thought I could come in and be that one girl who could fix everything for him, and by fixing him, it would help me to fix myself.

I had no idea just how stupid that line of reasoning was.

We came home from our little dive bar, which would be the equivalent of “Central Perk” from “Friends.” We all had our usual too many drinks. Mine was a rum and coke. Alphonso always drank cosmos’ (reminiscent of Sex and the City.)  It only took us going there two times before he had enough and taught the bartender how to make them. Christin enjoyed her long island’s  Pat enjoyed his beer.

All of us were gone. On the quick walk home, Alphonso was getting in a verbal argument with a parked car, Christin fell on the sidewalk, Pat was trying to sing “With Arms Wide Open” and I may have thrown up. It was bad. We had each hit our low, we just didn’t realize it yet.

I honestly do not remember how we made it up the two flights of stairs. We were all loud, clumsy, and sloppy. As soon as Christin’s keys opened the door, a task that took twenty minutes. She informed us “I am going to bed you bunch of drunks, I have to be up in three hours.”

Alphonso was ready for more drinks. Pat and I obliged.

Once we took our second shot, Alphonso was gone. He stumbled to his room, pissed off that he was not going to be able to do his usual facial routine tonight. He collapsed. Did not even make it to the bed. I do have a picture to prove this.

Pat and I were alone. The lights were off, we were sitting, talking, smoking, and still drinking. I felt dizzy, my words were slurred, but I did not want to sleep. I wanted to see if he would make a move on me. I clearly remember that. I was hoping, praying, that he would do something. In my mind physical touch meant I was pretty, I was good enough, I was wanted.

He came in for the kiss. The smell of beer. All I could taste was beer, despite what I thought was a passionate kiss. Clearly I mistook passionate for sloppy. Yet, it felt good. Prior to this, I had only been kissed by two others in my life. I craved the experience while I was also afraid of it.

The music was going,

“Lifehouse.” Hanging on by a Moment. How fitting.

Christin and Alphonso were passed out.

A line had now been crossed with Pat and I. We were both willing participants.

And in the morning, when Alphonso found us, half dressed. Sleeping together, and not on our respectives sofa’s. He woke me up and summoned me to his room.

“Jen, what the hell happened?”

Christin

From the outside looking in, someone would think we had an ideal situation. Four,single twenty-somethings going out, having a good time and not a care in the world. This was all a facade.

We were all going through our own personal struggles, including Pat. Pat had a young daughter named Mariah. On more than one occasion, usually after a night of drinking, he would talk about his daughter. From what he told us, he and the ex-wife had a falling out and he was no longer allowed to see his baby girl. Jen, Alphonso and I always knew when he was thinking about her because he would insist on playing the song by Creed “Arms Wide Open”. We knew it was going to be one of those nights when the juke box began playing this song. Pat would become emotional and go on and on about how he missed Mariah. I didn’t have kids at that time so there was no way I could comprehend the pain he was going through, but I know Jen did. I think this is one thing that Pat and Jen bonded over. They both desperately wanted to be with their kids and the current circumstances wouldn’t allow it.

Slowly, the four of us were falling apart. The drinking, the partying were catching up to all of us. We were all fighting our demons and the demons were winning. The times we were together were fun but it was those quiet times that were deafening. Those fleeting moments alone where you are reminded that you aren’t good enough and nobody will ever want you. Those thoughts that had been with me since I could remember. The insecurities that haunt you when grow up not knowing who your father is and then they follow you into adulthood. I was always trying to fill that void with someone or something. Those insecurities would be the catalyst to the events that were about to change everything between the four of us.

So when Pat invited me out one evening while Alphonso and Jen were at work, I said yes.

Jennifer

There was never any huge discussion on what our living circumstances would be. How long would we each be there. We talked about rent and decided rent split four ways was too good to pass up. . Although each of us four were fighting our own demons, we made it work.

The next few weeks I would categorize as a “Ghetto Friends” episode or two. Pat was your “Joey”, Alphonso was your “Chandler”, Christin was your “Phoebe” (You will understand this as time goes on.) and I was your “Monica” (only because I had fancy guest towels that no one was allowed to use and everyone use to torment with that.)

I would spend my mornings making phone calls after phone calls trying to figure out exactly what it was I needed to do legally to get my baby back. Every single door continued to close in my face. It was only a matter of time before I would have to take the law into my hands.

The four of us were inseparable. We did everything together. Coffee before work, lunch at work and dinner afterwards. Whether we out to Tony Roma’s or Christin attempted to cook chicken, we did it all together. There was an old school dive bar within walking distance from out apartment. We would hang out there, listening to the current top 40 hits while playing pool and drinking cheap drinks. It was a nice escape from our private reality.

On one occasion , that we called “Our Roommate Bonding Time” we went to get a tattoo. Actually, I got the tattoo but they came with me. I have always been a cat person. I decided on five little paw prints near my collar-bone. It was and still is adorable. Christin came back with me, because I was a nervous wreck. The guy wanted me to take my shirt off, and I declined, telling him that I am too shy. He gave me a cover up. Christin was by my side as I dealt with the worst amount of pain I had ever felt. Important to note, I had given birth to two children, I can deal with pain. Tattoo pain, not so much. This sucker hurt more than giving birth.

I may have almost passed out after it was complete. Perhaps Pat, Christin and Alphonso will tell you that. I will just say it was low blood sugar.

The dynamic between all of was great. No one ever felt left out. If we were in the mall and Christin and Alphonso saw a great sale, Pat and I would hang back and let them do their thing. If Alphonso and I wanted to hit the makeup counter, Pat and Christin would hang back and do their thing. If one of us was short on money, the other’s always covered them, it was a great arrangement, until it wasn’t.

Insecurities are evil. They are the spawn of Satan, and  will come in to cause trouble just when you least expect it. Much like an unwelcomed guest. A shift had taken place. There was no one specific incident. Just four people dealing with their own insecurities, and trying to deal with them the best they could.
And sometimes not in the best way.

I was still young. A young mother with two children who I currently did not have. I felt worthless. If I were to be honest, I always felt that way,  even before meeting Pat, Christin and Alphonso. As a young girl I never felt good enough, I never felt pretty enough, I never felt smart enough. I spent way too much time comparing myself to others. This makes no sense to me because I really did have the best childhood ever, insecurities and all.

This new change in my life just messed with me. It got into my head and was eating away and what little confidence I may have had. I needed to feel I was something more. I needed to feel pretty. I needed to feel wanted.

So, when Pat started to flirt with me, I went with it.

I went with it against my better judgement.

 

 

Christin

Apartment B303 would never be the same after that awkward first meeting with myself, Jen and Pat.

Although I was still feeling things out with Jen and Pat, we all began to spend a lot of time together. That very first day, all four of us, Alphonso, Jen, Pat and myself ran a few errands and went to the mall. I felt like I was in the “cool” crowd. They all were a little older than me with more life experience. Jen and Pat appeared to have their stuff together, something that I desperately wanted.

However, over the next few weeks I would learn that everything is not always as it seems to be.

I learned that Pat was having relationship issues with his on and off again girlfriend. He was very open about the situation and seemed to be dealing with it better than most. Although I did notice that he was a big drinker.

Jen was a little different. I had learned bits and pieces of what she was going through but had to piece it all together myself. I learned that she had 2 boys and had recently left an abusive relationship. I ran across a picture one day, it must have been taken after one of the incidents with her ex. She had bruises on her. At this moment, my heart broke for her. I don’t think I fully understood the implications of her situation at that time. However, there would be a time in the future that Alphonso and I would be pivotal to helping her in a way that was beyond the scope of all our imaginations.

Slowly, over the weeks I began to open up to Jen and Pat. Although I am sure Alphonso had already filled them in on all the details, I was still reeling from the slow demise of my long distance relationship. They were all a good distraction from my situation and I am sure they all felt the same way.

The next weeks were spent with the four of us going to lunch or hanging out at the mall. The 2nd time I had ever been to the bar was with this crew. I remember being so nervous while all of us were getting ready to go. Little did they know that I had been exactly 1 time before. I’m not sure why I was nervous, most likely because I didn’t know what to expect.

So we went to this little bar down the street from our apartment. It was a cute little bar, it actually reminded me of the bar on “Cheers”. So there we were playing pool, drinking and having a good time. Something that would be repeated many times over the next few weeks.

Everyone at work began to talk about our roommate situation. Somebody always had some opinion about what was going on in apartment B303. Some good, some bad and some just ridiculous. It didn’t matter to us, we knew what the truth was and up to that point we all had each other’s back.

As I said before, things are not always what they seem to be. There was something that was going on behind the scenes that would shake things up a bit.