I almost died today…

Today I almost died. I think I saw the white light or maybe it was just the reflection of the blazing hot sun, either way, death was near.

Between the heat, doing the low-carb diet, or not having chocolate for almost a week, I knew this was the end for me.

I contemplated calling my mom or 911, even maybe writing a quick memo on how my cats needed to be tended to once I was at the pearly gates.

For a moment, I took a quick inventory on how clean my house was just in case the paramedics needed to scoop me up out of here.

 Is the kitchen mopped?

How many dishes are in the sink?

Shit, I forgot to clean out the litter box yesterday, so now I can’t call 911!

All of these thoughts flying through my head like a ping-pong ball.

 The room is spinning, while my cat lays next to me, looking at me like “Why did you stop scratching my ears?”

Enter my teenage daughter.

“Mom, can you take me to Wal-Mart?”

“Umm, No, I am dying!”

“No, you aren’t mom. You are so dramatic.”

“Can you get me a wet washcloth?”

“Do I look like your maid?”

She leaves the room, just as the cat decides to depart as well.

Lying on my bed, thinking about all the things I didn’t get to do in my short 38 years of life.

Swim with the dolphins

Go to Jamaica

See the Northern Lights


There are more but you get the gist.

Enter my son.

“Mom, my Xbox Gold ran out! You need to renew it!”

“ I can’t right now! I think I’m dying.”

“Whatever, mom.”

As reality set in, I would die here alone, no kids, no cats, no beach in Jamaica…

I contemplated a call to Jen.

“Hey what are you doing?”

“I am dying.”

“What happened? Did you try to run around the block again?”


At which point she would recap the story of the time we tried to “run” around the apartment building back in Apt B303, 17 years ago, because we were trying to get into shape. We ended up half-way around before she started coughing her lungs out and as my knee-caps were about to fall off.

Calling Jen was a no-go.

Instead, I called another friend of mine, who is very Zen and centered, everything Jen is not.

“Hey, I think I’m dying.”

“Hold on, let see, did you try, A, B, C, D, E?

“I am working on it. It could be the heat, or maybe I ate something bad. The chicken I cooked last did look a little pink.”

“You are going to be fine. Probably just dehydrated. Here are some meditation videos to help relax you.”

After having some sugar and a few meditation sessions, I was feeling better.

The good news I didn’t die today.

The bad news is there are still floors to be mopped, dishes to do, and a litter box to clean out.

I will most likely have a trip to Wal-Mart in the near future and I will pull out my debit card and “renew” this game thing.

Come to think about it, maybe the other option wasn’t so bad after all.



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