I could not leave my apartment today. All day, in 80 degree weather, the children and I were held captive by our ghetto apartment complex. My complex had the genius idea of installing “green” toilets, and because of that, we had stay home between the hours of 9-6 while waiting for these “green” toilets.

What am I missing here? Sure, my complex has new management. Sure, they are trying to make the property better. Call me crazy but I think instead of worrying about “green” toilets, perhaps they should get the drug problem under control? Even the vandalism could use some work. Or, how about the mold problem? Nope! Green toilets it is.

My children need a step stool to reach the toilet. My children are 11 and 9. I thank my lucky stars I do not have a toddler who I am potty training, because this would just not work. My children hate this toilet so bad they have asked me when the day will come that they will no longer have to poop.

Somewhere along this journey of motherhood, I may have told my children then when you reach a certain age, you no longer poop. Yes, I am ashamed. Yes, I will relinquish my mother-of-the-year crown. It had to have been in a moment of potty training desperation when I may have told my children “It’s okay, just go poop in the potty now…..and one day you wont have to poop again.” I have no idea what I was thinking other than I just needed my kids to be potty-trained six years ago. Who would have known these little suckers would have remembered word for word what I said.

I hate bathroom humor. It’s so gross to me. I do not want to visualize anyone on the toilet. That is why God blessed me with a daughter who refuses to flush the toilet, and now I am blessed with a 5 foot toilet. Thank you Apartment Complex!

Even my husband, who knows how I am, and knows how much I hate bathroom humor could not resist making a joke about “Geez, now it really is the size of a throne.” Again, do I really need a visual?

This is why I do not feel bad for hiding two of his “lounge around” shirts. My husband has these two hideous shirts. They are about three sizes too big, and just do not flatter him at all. They are falling apart, worn and torn, and to make matters even worse, one of them is a Philadelphia Eagles shirt. Yuck.

The other day as I was folding laundry, why my husband was safely at work, I decided to accidentally misplace these shirts. They are clean, they are folded, they are just in a place I know he will never find them. In the laundry basket. The way I see it, I am actually doing him a favor. This is what is known as “Jen Logic.” You see, my husband has no idea how nice he looks in just a basic black t-shirt, that is his size. So…once he sees that I am complimenting him on his black t-shirt that he is now forced to wear, he will thank me, or, he will quickly forget about the two hideous shirts. Don’t judge me, this is to benefit the marriage!

Also, important to note, my husband does do social media, so if you were thinking about ratting me out, then think again!