A lazy Saturday afternoon found Christin and I talking on the phone, coming up with one of our so-called “brilliant ideas.”  One of us thought, for the sake of the blog, that it would be “cute” for me to go to our old apartment, Apartment B-303 and get it on video, so the “readers” could have a visual. You see, Christin and I are looking for ways to expand the blog, get more readers, as we are building our social media platform. What better way to do it than to have your’s truly over here recruit my 15-year-old son, Vinnie, and go on an adventure, that would hopefully be comical enough to showcase on the blog.

Funny how things do not always work out as we plan. Now, Vinnie and I did get some good footage. Vinnie, being unable to properly get out of the car being one, me, out of breath while running up three flights of steps, another. Also, the fact that Vinnie is really not the best of getting a good angle left something to be desired. I know this because a good portion of the video is focussed on my behind. Thank you Vinnie.

Now a highlight. As Vinnie and I are running down the three flight of stairs, we run into a resident. Older gentleman. As soon as he sees us coming, he politely moves out-of-the-way before we tumble into him. He greets us with a “Hello” to which I say “Hi” back. As I am waiting for Vinnie to catch up to me, this lovely gentleman tells me “You are very attractive.” Being slightly caught off guard, I replied with “Oh, thank you.” As soon as Vinnie catches up, the very nice gentleman tells Vinnie “You have a very attractive mom.” I was waiting for Vinnie to burst out into a fit of hysterical laughter, because, well, it is Vinnie, but instead he looked at the very nice gentleman and simply said “thank you.”

As soon as Vinnie and I turn the corner, I turn to Vinnie “Please tell me you got that on video, please, please, please.” Vinnie did not get the image, because the camera was pointing down (of course) but the sound is clearly there. Granted, you may have to turn up the speakers to hear it, but it is there on video, of the very nice gentleman telling me I am attractive.Of course, now, I am in a good mood. A little stroke of the ol ego never hurt anyone. Vinnie and I come home, I upload the video and sit back and watch.

And now, well, now I want to slit my wrist. This video, the entire process from Vinnie and I sitting in the car, me “talking” to the camera, and everything in between was just horrible, and by horrible, I mean me. I could have not looked more unflattering if I had tried. Seriously. I am about 20 pounds overweight. I have no idea why it took a video to make me see this, but it is there, in all it’s glory. My light blue sweater that I was wearing, was not sitting well on me, just awful.

I call Christin, borderline in tears, not realizing that THIS is how I really look? Because I do not FEEL like I look the way I do. Christin does what anyone good friend does and offered to “edit” the video. Honestly, I do not even think editing will help at this point. And then, with a mix of gentleness and assertiveness, she explains to me how I am my own worst critic, and that I see things that no one else does, and no one cares about the 20 extra pounds of weight, or the fact that the back of my light blue sweater was hiked up. No one cares. Except me.

And then I had a moment. In this video, the very video that I want to burn and not allow anyone to see, a very nice gentleman complimented me. He gave me what I hope was a sincere compliment. I mean if I over think it long enough I could argue the fact that it was not a sincere compliment and he was probably thinking of ways to get me into his apartment so he could hold me for ransom, but I wont go there. I will try to accept the compliment for what it was. Kindness.

Yet, it is interesting to me, that while I do have that exchange on video, the only thing my mind is able to focus on, my ONLY take-a-way from this video of my old stomping grounds, is the fact that I look the worse I have ever looked…and well, that says a lot. Instead of enjoying a moment where a complete stranger compliments me, I am letting those voices, the demons, come back and show their ugly head. However, this time will be different. Those voices, those demons, I will not allow them to win this time. It will not be an easy battle, but really, nothing in life ever is.

Is there a point to this post? Most likely not. It was just an experience that I wanted to write about. However, if there is someone out there who is reading this, and you have the same demons I do, do not be like me. Push them away as quickly as you can, and continue on doing you.

~Jennifer