Turning a negative into a positive

March 8 2004.
It was official. I had lost the baby. Not only had I lost the baby but I was currently walking around with a dead baby inside me because the good ole docs wanted me to “pass” it on my own.

I was devastated.
I was depressed.
I could not see beyond the baby I had lost. The baby I had already named Isabella because I just knew it was a girl. The baby that would have been my firs daughter and Joe’s first biological child.

I did not want to go on. It was only a matter of time before Joe would leave me? Here I was, two perfectly healthy boys from a previous relationship, and I could not even carry his baby to term.

Joe could do so much better than me, someone that could give him a baby. My sons could do better than me for a mom. All I did was spend my days in bed, crying over the loss.

How can I be so connected to someone I have never met,and now,will never meet?

I am a failure,I failed Joe,I failed my sons,and now,I failed my baby.

Life will never be the same.

June 2004
Holy crap I am pregnant again! How can this happen? Well, okay I know how it can happen but why? What about the baby I just lost just three months ago? I am betraying her. How did this happen? What do I do? I want to have a healthy pregnancy, I want this baby to make it, but I am scared.

I cannot get too attached. What if I lose this baby. I cannot go through it again.

I am not strong enough.

Why did I have to lose my first baby if I was just going to end up pregnant again anyway?

Something is not right about this,something is very very wrong.

September 2004

The baby is sick. Really sick. So sick that I now have to go see a specialist every week.

So sick that we run the risk of losing her too,yes, another girl.

I still feel like I am betraying Isabella.

What is wrong with me? Why can’t I carry healthy babies? Yes,I know I have two healthy boys, but they are not Joe’s. Well,they are,Joe loves them and raises them as if they were his, but I want to give Joe a baby that is biologically his. Why can’t I do that?

Am I being punished for past mistakes?

Of course I am.

March 8,2005
I knew something would go wrong. I just knew it. Here am one month shy of my due date,and I am back in the hospital,the baby,I still have to refer to her as “the baby” so I do not get too attached,even though we already picked out a name,”the baby” is not moving,not only is she sick,not only does she have gastroschesis,some weird condition where the intestines grow outside of the body,but she is not moving. I did this to her. Once again,it is all my fault.

Can’t I do anything right?

The doctors tell me they have to do an emergency c-section.

I am scared.

I am scared that I will die.

I am scared that my baby, who I tried so hard not to get attached to will die.

I am scared my sons will grow up without a mother.

Why can’t I do anything right?

Joe and I are in the maternity ward,I am getting prepped for surgery,he is changing into scrubs,wait,can this be right,am I missing something,wait,wait,one year ago to the day I lost Isabella.

I can look at this one of two ways,

1. March 8 will be a date that I will come to dread in the following years. March 8 is possessed, bad luck, whatever you want to call it,nothing good and everything bad will happen on March 8.

or

2. Even though my baby is sick,we have an amazing NICU team on hand,they will take my baby and make her better. Joe and I will be able to take her home,show the boys their new baby sister,and life will go on.

Because,time never stops.

Even though I was praying for time to stop when I lost Isabella,

it never does

and sometimes

when we are not looking

God will use that negative

and ask us to trust him

and have faith in him

and turn it into a positive.

Even in our deepest despair, he will do it,

Just ask Gracie,

my 6 yr old daughter,who made it through her sickness,who made it through her first few weeks of life with her intestines outside of her body,who never crawled because her stomach was too scarred up,who to this day still has to go through therapy,who is as stubborn as can be,who can listen to a song on the radio and remember the entire song,who wishes her hair was as long as Rapunzel from Tangled.

Just ask Gracie.

Turning a negative into a positive does happen

She is living proof

because

by the GRACE of God, she was saved.

and for Isabella. I know she is being looked after by my grandparents in heaven.

In fact,God probably has his hands full,mediating between each set.

Grandma, Grandpa, Nanna and Pappa,please watch over Isabella,Keep her safe till I get there,and thank you,thank you for sending us Gracie.


This post was a writing prompt from The Red Dress Club
Turning a negative into a positive

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21 thoughts on “Turning a negative into a positive

  1. So sorry for your loss. I just had a miscarriage a few weeks ago, and there are days when I feel like I did everything wrong, and it makes me feel a little better to see the success after yours.

  2. This was so heartfelt and touching. I know the loss of a child, I know that waiting. And I know that terror that creeps in with each pregnancy.

    And what a beautiful and meaningful name you have given her. She is a blessing!

  3. Oh, Jennifer, this was so beautiful. Beauty for ashes, hope out of tragedy. He is a good God and I love what you named your daughter. Oh, this brought tears to my eyes.

  4. oh I'm mush, literally. I love the name Grace (if our twins had been girls they would have been Rachael and Gracie) and so reading this and knowing that you can hold your Grace, you can rock her and love her here in this life, well that is a blessing and a gift.
    Plus my husband's birthday is March 8th, so nothing bad can happen on that day for sure. 😉

  5. I never knew you had lost a baby. I'm so sorry. But you're right… the grandparents are watching over her up in heaven. And what a prize package Gracie turned out to be!

  6. As usual… beautifully written with honest emotion…. well, well,,, done. Most importnatly, you now understand God's Grace in a way many probably do not.You also understand that feelings of guilt and worthlessness are lies from hell itself. how can anyone feel worthless or guilty when Christ died for them? He paid a dear cost to prove to all of us we are worth something in His eyes.. worth so much He would die. “Amazing Grace, how can it be, that You, my King, would die for me?”

  7. The strength of a woman never ceases to amaze me.

    The strength of a mother.

    The strength of you.

    So much love to you, babe.

    So much love and so much gratitude that you wrote this story and shared it.

    You are amazing.

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